114. Dial 'M' for Marriage (Part 4) - The first 'arranged' call

As a participant observer to several steps of this process(the 'arranged marriage' process), I've been privileged enough to witness/experience this ritual called the first 'arranged' call.

Background

Now what is an 'arranged' call you may ask. Well, its pretty much like a 'before the blind date' call, only with an extra dash of religion and astrology to it. Since technology has leapfrogged ahead with religion left gasping to come to terms with it, we're seeing new rituals being incorporated as a part of the entire 'arranged' process. This 'arranged' call is one such ritual which has come into being(created by the elders to this generation) where the elders find it within religious and spiritual limits to let the prospects(prospective guy and girl) talk to each other over the phone before the final 'go-ahead' decision is to-be taken by both the parties.

But before letting technology bridge the compatibility gap between the two prospects(prospective guy and girl, to reiterate), the elders use far more superior techniques to conclusively determine compatibility between the prospects. They seek guidance from the stars, the planets, the gods in heaven and the astrologer/pujari/yogi/shaman living across the street to understand the prospective future of the prospects living together. Only after the stars, the planets, the neighborhood temple priest and the local cop give their approval, can technology be introduced to find out if at all there is any compatibility. Pretty much like the 'License Raj' system during colonial times.

Before the call - The preparation(or the lack of it)

Once all the approvals from the heavens and the god-men are in place, the guy is given the go ahead to call the girl (Why is it that the guy has to take the initiative always? Is this not a generation which believes that men and women are equal ? Anyways....) The guy is clueless(as usual). Probably the first time that he has been asked to call a stranger where the stranger also knows that he would be calling her up. He calls up his friends who are either engaged or married for some tips on how to negotiate the first few minutes of conversation. The guys who got 'love married' prove to be of no use(since they never had to do this) while the ones who got 'arranged married' spoke very little or did not get a chance to speak at all(only smile from a distance).

So the guy now back at square one, thinks of ways to get through the first few minutes trying not to be a complete jackass. Says to himself - This is like answering the 'Tell me about yourself' question which you had prepared for during your MBA placements. Only need to change the last sentence. Replace 'Which is why I feel I can be a valuable asset to your company' with 'Which is why I feel I can be a dependable life-partner'. 

Since he's very confident that he'll go blank right after saying 'Hi', he writes down a list of things to talk about.

1. Weather in all the major cities

2. The India-England Test match series

3. Pani Puri

4.  Bats hiding behind the Air Conditioner in the gym

Before making the call, he ensures that there's no one eavesdropping on the conversation(except the wall lizard on the right corner).

The call

The call itself is like a cryptic telephonic interview where both sides are interviewing each other for the same job position(that of a life-partner). It starts of with a 'Hello' instead of a 'Hi' as the guy imagined it to be. 

Guy - Hi...

Girl - Hello...

Guy - Hello...

Girl  - Hi...

<<Awkward Pause>>

Guy - How are things at your end ?

Girl  - Fine. How are things at your end ?

Guy - Fine.

<<Awkward Pause>>

<<Awkward Pause>>

Guy - So, I hear its pleasant weather in Bangalore now.

Girl - Yaa, it is. Soporific weather.

Guy - Oh great!

<<Awkward Pause>>

<<Awkward Pause>>

<<Awkward Pause>>

       |

       |

       |

<<Continues>>

After the call

Once the call is over, the guy is supposed to report back to his elders with either a confirmation or the rejection. He asks for time and for a few more phone calls but all his requests fall to deaf ears. And so, due to reasonable doubt, he answers with a rejection. To add fuel to fire, the elders later get to know from the girl's parents that the girl has also rejected this guy.

After 10 years

While playing with his brother's kids, he recalls the rejection and of all the brilliant vibrant topics he could have thought of during that one potentially-life-altering phone call. And then one of the kids playfully kicks him in the nuts. He screams.

113. Simply Dial M for Marriage

I bring to you the third part of the 'Dial M for Marriage' continuum. 
Part 1 - Dial M for Marriage
Part 2 - Dial M for Marriage 2 - Direct Attack

In the previous post (Dial M for Marriage 2), I made a brief mention of how peer pressure can play havoc with our minds. This post is an attempt to capture the craziness arising out of all the ways in which a friend can confuse your perceptions about arranged marriage.

The good friend
This guy has it all and has done it all. And now he's getting married. Now when a facebook kinda friend gets married,you do not fret or break a sweat. But when a real-world friend, whom with you have shared some quality time in the past announces his marriage, that does kind of bring a million questions in your head. 

Is it time already ? 

Do I want to 'settle' ? (oh that term 'settle' sounds so early-man-ish...hunters and settlers...my ass!)

Oh wait, I don't know what I want. Or do I ?

Questions galore, no one around to give sane enough answers to them.

The dork friend
You made fun of this guy all through high school. He dint do too well at his job either. And then suddenly, the guy has a trophy wife he shows off at every opportune occasion. 
You start screaming(mentally) - What's he got that I aint got! (fading away tune) - akin to the VIP brief advertisement of the 90s. 

The unlucky friend
This guy has it all. Great education, greater job, greatest pay. Humble demeanor, brilliant credentials. But when it comes to searching for a bride, he's been luck-less. Makes you wonder if the gods up there are playing a wicked joke to have some fun at his expense. What you also realize is that this is not a game where credentials necessarily work. Its a game of demand and supply where the better networked people get ahead of the better qualified(if 'getting married' is equivalent to 'getting ahead' ie). 

The douche friend
This guy was your friend a long time ago. You don't even remember why you were friends in the first place. You do know that he's a total douchebag now. What's even worse. He's married his high-school sweetheart. Not that its a gr8 choice made, for either of the two, but still, you (mentally) crib - Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di? 

The girl who's a friend (yes, a girl can be a friend, not the girlfriend necessarily)
This friend is totally bindaas about the M issue. She doesn't give two hoots about it. She says that she'll find a guy when the time is right. She's positive that it'll all work out. Although the arranged marriage spouse selection process gives women more options than men, its still a risky predicament to play with that equation by waiting it out. You wonder as to how she can be so positive about finding Mr.Right from among this huge pool of un-marry-able prospects(read: suspects) out there in the market.

The sane friend
Now here is the guy who has always echoed your thoughts about this M issue for a long time. You've always been in agreement with his views on how it has become necessary to get married and the social obligation it has been turned into.
And boom! He tells you that he is gonna take the plunge. Pulls the rug from under your feet. You take some time to come to your senses before you start humming - Munni Badnaam hui, darling tere liye...(well, you're so distraught that you just hum any tune that comes to mind) 

The hyper friend
Now we all have this one friend who is obsessed with the idea of marriage and its the only topic that's on his mind at all times (ever since puberty). For the sake of anonymity, lets call our protagonist 'Simply'(a la 'Soapy' from the short-story 'The Cop and the Anthem'). 

The thing about Simply is that he over-thinks about the M word. He over-thinks so much that he puts over-thinking to shame. Below are some of his thoughts.

If you don't get married now, you will not get married until you are 33-34 years.

That girl rejected me. She must be having an affair with someone for sure.

I have rejected so many girls even before they got a chance to reject me. 

I liked that girl but because my mother did not like her, I rejected her.

Generally, people marry when they are 26 years old...I mean in India...I mean in Hyderabad...I mean in our caste...I mean in my gender...Oh I don't know what I mean.

When a good friend recently announced that he was going to get married in December, Simply simply lost it. He's gone been on over-drive ever since. He wants to go one-up on his friend by marrying in November itself(if possible, in October itself) 

Well, that sums up this part. Shall come up with another one pretty soon. Until then, please comment on this one :)

112. Dial 'M' for Marriage 2 - Direct attack

Well, its been more than a year since I wrote my first take on the M word 'Marriage' - Dial M for Marriage

Its been more than a year but the situation still remains the same. The awkward situations that this M word generates is manifold. In the previous post (Dial M for Marriage), the emphasis was on the awkward situations which one may endure as an observer or a participatory third party in any phase of the 'arranged marriage' process.

In this post, I'll list down some of the direct attacks/confrontations which a gonna-be-groom-bachelor experiences during this pre-arranged marriage process.

The unsolicited advice 

Anyone who has ever been married starts giving you advice at really awkward times. It can be a good friend or a nosy neighbor or a totally random stranger who is in the middle of a quarrel with his wife on the phone(halts to give you advice and then goes back to quarreling).

Peer pressure

Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. This could not be truer when it comes to the 'getting married' and 'having a baby' actions. Its turned into a race of who will complete these actions first. And such actions cause a subliminal influence, a damaging one safe-to-say.

The internet matrimony profiles

You are asked to take a look at your mom's third degree cousin's family friend's second degree cousin's daughter's matrimony profile...and many other such profiles gathered from sources far and near - I like to call this network 'the pakkathu veetu maami' network(the aunt-next-door peer group). 

The thing with these matrimony profiles is that they are generally not written by the person whose profile it is. (unlike other social networking sites where the person himself/herself creates his/her own profile) It could be the girl's mom/dad/uncle/elder-brother/grandmother or even her boy-best-friend(the one with the ulterior motives).

And boy! The demands made in the 'Partner Preferences' section in these profiles range from weird to downright absurd. They demand all qualities that would combine to create a hypothetical Indian alpha-male. You know, the 'Tall-Fair-Handsome(T.F.H) IIT-MIT-Silicon Valley-Tech guru' variety or the 'T.F.H AIIMS-Post Doc-Plastic Surgeon for Aishwariya Rai' variety or the 'T.F.H NDA-Fighter pilot turned commercial pilot for Virgin airlines' variety.

With such steep requirements(irrespective of whether they're worth it or not), you wonder if any of these women will ever find their knight in shining armor. 

The road-show

You're paraded around in all public gatherings, be it a wedding or reception or a 'Gruha pravesham' or a 'Poonal'(thread ceremony) or a random distant relative's kid's first birthday. You get to hear many funny one-liners from elders at all these gatherings. 

You've grown so much. You were so little when I last saw you. (you'd be called 'retarded' if you hadn't grown since)

It is your turn next, be prepared.  (They make it sound like an IIT-JEE exam)

You don't have any girlfriends rite. You're so smart, its hard to believe. (A lame attempt at humor)

Oh, you work for Outfosys! Even my sister's daughter works there. She sings very well. (everyone who's anyone knows someone in Outfosys. #facepalm)

A marriage within the family
When there is a marriage within the family(of a near and dear person), you just cannot hide from the proceedings can you. You're asked to chip in with all the marriage chores ranging from buying a pH balanced shampoo from a specific boutique store which is 15 kms away(for the groom), to searching for Kittu mama's grandson(whom you eventually find on the street, blissfully playing with stray dogs), to dropping Meena mami and her entourage at the railway station afterwards. While you're trying to keep a low profile and get all these things done, you are subject to those weird quirky one-liners mentioned in the above segment. Its like a non-stop barrage of these incessant comments all through the whole wedding event(which spans a couple of days at least, unfortunately).

I don't know if I should call this providence, but just stumbled upon this pic on FB which is so in tune to what I've been saying in this post. So flicking it off and pasting it here.

A newspaper ad -

Also adding a rage comic I'd worked on sometime back. Pretty relevant here.

Well, there's more parts of this post which I shall post soon. This M saga does not seem to end anytime soon. #sigh

111. A true fan

Who is a true fan ? What does it take for one to be a true fan ?

Well, based on what the media tells us, a true fan needs to dedicate one's entire life religiously to follow one's idol, and if need be, give up many other common real world joys/pleasures when in the pursuit of the same.

For instance, a true Iron Maiden fan is supposed to have listened to all of their albums, to have been present in all their concerts, know everything about their lifestyle and emulate their lifestyle as much as possible(the tattoos and the rock band lifestyle).

A true Manchester United fan is supposed to watch all their matches hoping they win and also watch the main rival team matches praying that their rivals lose. All this while, the fan is supposed to be as vociferous as possible on all social media platforms about the success of one's idol team(Man Utd in this case). The fan is also supposed to keep track of all the transfers made by the club and the fees they pay to each player and to the coach.

A true Shah Rukh Khan fan is supposed to have watched all his movies, know all about how he struggled to get to the top, know about his family and his smoking habit and should be ready with any new news regarding any new films that SRK signs.

Well, from the looks of it, being a true fan seems too much work. The media has made it that way. And peer pressure has added an unnecessary dimension to this as well. If you're not anyone's fan, then you're not taken seriously in discussions. You're forced to take sides even when you don't want to be on any of them. So you give in eventually. You sport an exorbitantly expensive football club jersey even though you would have preferred to have bought new sneakers with the same money.

I thought being a fan was all about enjoying someone's work to a 'more than average' extent. And since you do enjoy that person/club/band's work more than others in that sector/work-area. you tend to follow that person/club/band's work more religiously. Is that not the purpose of following someone? Getting more bang for your buck because you are sure that your senses would be pleased when embracing your idol's work.

My two cents. A true fan is one who truly enjoys his/her idol's work. Period! A true fan needn't know much about one's idol. A true fan needn't spend every frikkin hour of his/her day thinking about one's idol. A true fan will never change his/her stance about one's idol based on peer pressure. In fact, a true fan will never form a stance on one's idol based on peer pressure. And finally, a true fan stays a true fan for life. 

110. My hand at rage comics

Well, since I'm out of ideas to write something interesting, I figured I should share some of my attempts at creating rage comics. So here goes.

Learning German

The Job Interview

After the Job Appraisal

Thought-timings

The Lunch call at work

Over the weekend

Mr. OK

109. Fleeting glimpses

You know the feeling when you feel that time is rushing by and you are desperate to cling on to those moments of effervescence which you experience along the way. Well, this aint that. Quite the opposite actually. Literally opposite. I'm in the state where I want time to rush by faster than it already is. Have I gone nuts? Why would anyone be desperate to get old quicker? Isn't it against all the 'look\feel younger' ad campaigns which we are fed 24*7 on the idiot box?

This state of mind has been superbly captured in this one classic phrase from Mr.OK - 'Khatam karo saala, jaldi khatam karo sab'. It's the cry of impatience. Of the inability to cope with all the garbage that the world is dishing out at you. Of the transition from calling everyone uncle to being called uncle by everyone. Of the societal pressures to tie the knot, play the slot and have babies that glot. Of the innumerable number of expectations that you have to meet on both the personal and professional front. Of the inability to juggle between two modes of existence: One - being treated like a kid and Two - being expected to behave like an adult.

Naturally, escaping to a new environment is the only solution that one sees when one is subjected to such a multitude of conflicts. Or the alternative is to rationalize oneself into believing that a better time is yet to come. And it is in this scenario that one wants time to fly by for the better times to come by quicker. Well, having an irrational expectation like this without any action backing it is surely bound to bomb(as a wise guy once said - 'where is the action?'). However, letting the fleeting glimpses go past you at light speed seems the only elixir to come out alive(mentally) and so you take that route.

Note - This is just mental masturbation on paper. Don't try to read between the lines. The lines seem self-explanatory I suppose.

108. Nick names

One very innocuous yet effective way to form a connect with someone is by giving him/her a nick-name. Since there's invariably something unusual about them, nick names have an amazing recall power embedded in them. The nicks may be born out of a situation or out of a personality trait or just out of the wicked genius of an idle mind. Some nicks connect so well that the actual name takes a back seat in memory. The person is forever remembered by that nick.

Well, here's some of the nicks I've had in the past. Some mild, some funny and some downright weird. 

Chachi 420

Lets say that this was the first serious long-lasting nick that I was bestowed with. Dates way back to high school. This nick evolved from a very lame initial nick called Abdul. I was called Abdul based on the WWF wrestler Abdullah(coz I was very roly poly like him). Slowly, Abdul gave way to Abdul Chacha. And then along came Kamal Hasan with the Bollywood remake of Mrs.Doubtfire. And I've been called Chachi by my school folks ever since.

Bai babu

The credit for this one goes solely to Pope. Its brutal coz its a gult slang word for a 'boob'. Rhymed with my first name and that's all it took. What made it even worse was Pope's fascination with the word 'bai'. Of the few things that he did like during the 4 years in college, using the word 'bai' in every other sentence ranks right among the top things in the list. And so this name caught on like anything. Its only 'Annayya' who gave it a twist by calling me 'bhai', sort of like 'little brother' to the big brother(Annayya). A little brother who got everything in OC, right from his T-shirts to his toothpaste.

Sad face 

A lady at the workplace gave me this name. She'd say that I always had this perennially sad/knocked-out expression whenever she'd come over to talk about work. It took me some time and convincing to tell her that it was the work that made me sad and not her presence. I feel she never bought it #Facepalm

George Bussss

A classic case of a gaming name gone bad. George Bussss was so unusual a nick that it caught on like wildfire. It had this snake-hiss kinda sound to it. I was doomed the day it was coined.

aK

A gaming name that went well with every1 in the computer lab. aK was second only to '56' and 'CoL.Fr0D' (and 'Pasta' and 'Phoenix' and 'CMToTo' and 'Necksmasher'...but not 'Fakeshadow' :p). I miss CS. Those were fun times.

A.Raja

Got this name at the workplace last year. When expanded, has to be read as 'Anubhavinchu Raja'. Its based on this song from the 70s which urges you to experience life and live it to the fullest. Why I got this name was coz I was pretty much living the dream all day everyday last year.Nice phase it was. Here's the song link - Anubhavinchu Raja

Shaani munji

Translates to 'shit face' or 'dung face'. It so happened that when I was a really small kid, I'd called an uncle with the same name. Mom and dad were red-faced and were all set to gimme the blasting of my life. But the thoughtful uncle took it sportingly and made light weather out of it. However, since then, he started addressing me with the same nick. Small price to pay when compared to getting hammered at home for bad behavior.

Naarad Muni 

During my 2 b-skool years, had this notorious reputation of being the inter and intra-batch gossip library(I shared this reputation with another great 'man'). Had also been tagged as a 'gossip queen' in an fb pic(I think the tag still exists). And who better than 'Naarad Muni' to signify my word-of-mouth marketing prowess. I consider this as an achievement no second to being the class/batch topper :p

Shree Krishna ki Vijay

More of a slogan than a nick name. But this one was brutal coz it tried to link me to a girl in the batch. Wanna know how.Just say it aloud a couple of times. And if you still don't get it, call me and I'll tell you :)

Its been a bumpy yet funny ride until now. Am positive that there are many more colorful nick names yet to be created and added to this impressive list. Fingers crossed.

107. Summer in the 90s

Some trivia to begin with. The word 'summer' actually comes from combining the Latin terms 'sum' meaning total and 'mer' meaning light.


Its actually been quite a while since I spent an entire summer in Hyderabad. I'd lived the first 16 years of my life in Hyd(school and Intermediate here only). Ever since, I've had a  vagabond-ish existence (over the last 8 to 9 years). Its been quite an experience living in so many different places. Now that I've moved back to Hyd (courtesy an amazing job change that was initially frowned upon by all and sundry), it almost feels like I've gone back in time. 


The last time I'd spent a summer in Hyderabad was in 2003. Cruel heat, cruel-er engineering college entrance examinations and relentless peer-pressure. Anyone who has prepared for IIT-JEE in AP knows what I am talking about. 


However, sans that particular summer, the ones prior to that one were totally memorable. Summer meant morning schools, exams, vacations, gully cricket, holiday homework, movies, swimming, Monopoly, tennis, and wearing total-ventilation-garments(the banian-chaddi existence) all day. Summer meant two months of carefree existence coupled with aeons of time to kill. 


The beginning of summer was always marked by the bright morning light right from 6 AM. Being a light-sleeper, I'd wake up with the first jolt of bright light. The morning air would feel different. The TV shows would change. The drinking water timings would change(filling water was my chore, coz i was pretty useless otherwise). Morning school would start off courtesy board examinations for class X.


Morning school was like the unofficial end of the year. We all knew it. We just had the exams in our way. In our way to two months of bliss. Exams also meant exam-pad cricket after an exam got over(if the next day was a holiday). 


It was that anticipation that made life interesting back then. The sign of good things to come. And the best part about the summer break was that it never disappointed. It always arrived on time. And always got along with it, loads of time to chill and while away. Summer camp, swimming classes, plastic-ball cricket, board games, WWF on TV, Video Games,Hollywood flicks, novels and relative visits - summarized a typical summer. 


Having a source of anticipation makes living easier. And although I don't have the summer break to look forward to, I'll have to figure out ways to enjoy the summer to come. Here's to another Hyderabadi summer that I shall conquer. Three cheers.

106. One handed on Valentine's eve

After having a great January, it was but natural that Feb would bring me back to the ground. Fell off my vehicle for the 1st time. No one's fault, it was just pure unadulterated shitty luck. My right side(right palm to right toe) is writhing in pain, my right palm has a red sun in it as I speak. Have been living one handed for the last couple of days now. This experience is teaching me to appreciate my erstwhile two handed life. With bruises on the right hand and a tetanus injection after-effect on the left, life's been amazing off late. Having a one handed bath dodging all the lacerated areas is like climbing the Everest upside down. Super tough and taxing :s

And all this happening on the eve of Valentine's. I couldn't have timed the fall better I feel.  Not that I had gr8 chances of getting a date this Valentine's(or on any Valentine's as a matter of fact). But I wish to believe that miracles can happen, even with me.

This is my first (and maybe only) one-handed post. Yea, typed all this with my left. Dedicating this to an old one-sided valentine who herself was/is a furious one-handed typer.

And to all my fellow readers(me, the mosquito on the monitor and the lizard near the fan), here's wishing you all a very happy Valentine's day in advance.

ps: Beware of Shiv Sainiks. Or better yet, dress up as one so that they don't trouble you :p

pps : Had written one post on Valentine's day back in 2006 (a bit amateurish must say). Here it is - http://abbchris.blogspot.in/2006/02/heart-shaped-wonders.html

105. The last week of Jan 2012

The last week of Jan 2012 has been one with a lot movement, both physically and professionally.

On the personal front, have finished 10k kilometers on my TVS Wego in the last 1 year(started driving it on Jan 1st 2011). For someone who dint know how to drive a vehicle, doing 10,000 kms in a year is kind of commendable(am doing self-dabba here :P)

I've lost 5 kilos in 1 month courtesy a change in diet and lots of exercise.

Professionally, 27th Jan marks my 1 year anniversary in the company I am currently working in. This is the first time that I've stayed in a firm for 1 whole year. The previous attempts were 6 and 8 months(not even close). So I am giving myself a pat on the back for this. Cracking interviews is one thing, staying put in the company is another.

Was given my first appraisal ever. Was given a gr8 job rating at my workplace(CRR 1), which was unexpected but I shall take it as a good sign for the things to look for in future.

Additionally, I've also been promoted. So now I have a new job title to boast about.

After weeks and months of relative inactivity, the last week of Jan has been a refreshing one with only positive happenings all over.

Am hoping that February follows suit. Fingers crossed.

104. 26*

Well, its been 365 days since I wrote this - 25*

Contrary to the year before, this year was more about doing the basics right. Not much in terms of exploring uncharted territories or doing different things or doing things differently. It was in more ways than one, an effort to 'settle' down ('settle' does sound cliche but am using it for the lack of being able to find a better word)

Had had a nomadic existence for the last 8 years(2003 to 2010) (not counting this one). When I say nomadic, I mean staying away from home and doing the 'lets go home' routine at regular time intervals. And apart from the usual 'home and back' travel, have also had the chance to go visit so many places with different sets of people(mostly friends & co-workers). This was a progression from nomadic existence to settlement living(following the footsteps of the 'Early man' about whom we read in our Social Studies books)

This year was more about re-discovering HYDERABAD, my hometown. Yes, I'd lived my first 15-16 years here (before leaving for my educational pilgrimage to Gujju land) but had not done as much loafing around during that time. It was all about going to school daily and studying hard and taking extra coaching classes and playing gully cricket for some respite from all the educational brouhaha. Have done a whole lot of 'in the city' travel in the last one year(8400 kms on my TVS Wego :D) and am absolutely loving every minute/kilometer of it.

It was also about shifting from a high-pressure job which promised the elusive 'career growth' to a low/no pressure one which promised a decent lifestyle from day 1.

Its also been a year when I have not had to plan my trips to home(coz I m already there). Its been a double bonanza of sorts, because I'm earning more than ever before and spending lesser on travel than ever before.

Its also been a year full of activity on the personal front. Have donated good amounts to charity, invested in cosmetics(and used 'em), caught up with a lot of old friends and relatives, investing my money(yea hav enuf of it to invest), making many new acquaintances and establishing a work-life balance by living healthy(morning walks, diets and meditation). These were things I'd forgotten about when I was a part of the 'career growth' race. I realized how dumb I was to forgo so many simple pleasures in exchange for something which I may or may not get eventually.

I would have loved to have shed a few pounds though, which I haven't been able to do.  But there's always time to make a new beginning. And today seems as good a day as any other. Let the pound shedding begin(once the cake+chocolates+sweets inventory is exhausted :p)  

103. Superstitions and Westernization

When our forefathers(and mothers) thought and decided on a certain set of rules & regulations that have to be followed for harmonious living, they could only think within the boundaries of what they could observe. While some of the rules they made stood the test of time, the others started losing relevance(like people who don't age gracefully, rapidly lose importance, like Britney Spears) as societies progressed and people evolved(at least they think they evolved). We started calling these rules as 'superstitions'.

Now up until the prev. generation, people were all OK with following these superstitions. They kinda took it in their stride and dint find it too taxing or troublesome to ever raise a strong voice against it. And then along came 1991(just like in every other MBA presentation) and changed the way Gen X, Gen Y and Gen Next do things. Things changed rapidly. Westernization was the order of the day.

We started to ape the West in every which way possible. I remember, when the 'show the middle-finger' phenomenon was relatively new, I'd seen a  few people show the 'ring' finger too (maybe they thought that they could raise any one of those three longer fingers between the thumb and the little one, two fingers which already had symbolic Indian meanings, namely 'the urge to drink water' and 'the urge to go take a piss')

While so much was going on, our superstitions remained as they were, unable to tide the 'crossover' effect. And this is where many of them took a funny turn as well. A supposedly western way of living juxtaposed with the age-old Indian way brings up many hilarious/awkward situations. Wondering how ? Here's how.

Superstition #1 Don't step on the vermillion-garnished lemon-chill-strung-together combo(meant to ward off demons) when you go out. Just walk past it without stepping on it.

Now this can be done when someone is walking at a speed of 3-4 kmph. (Walking must've been the only mode of transport when this superstition was coined. And no one likes stepping on lemon+chilly when one is walking bare foot because it burns like crazy.) Try avoiding a lemon-chilli on the road when you're in your Ducati/Pulsar/watever zipping through at a speed of 100+ kmph. You can't. You do step on it. At least I can't avoid it even on my TVS Wego (yea its got 'body balance', but still). And if you are one of those who doesn't want to take the risk of the "ire of the superstition", you will go and tell this at home. And an elaborate set of rituals and poojas(on your foot) will ensue. And your feet will never look or feel or smell the same ever again.

Superstition #2 Once you've attended a funeral, you should enter your house from behind and not from the front

This may have had relevance back in the pre-historic era where the 'well'(source of water) was generally in the backyard. But asking me to enter my flat (which only has one entrance) from behind whenever I come back after attending a funeral basically translates to asking me to do a Spider-man (enters his room from the window each time he slips out to fight crime) each time.

Superstition #3 Hang a pumpkin outside the house before you move into it for the first time.

Now, my landlord is a Roman Catholic who had fixed a cross above the entry door when he was living in that apartment. If I go ahead and hang a pumpkin in front of the cross, I'm afraid that the Christ figurine on that cross may re-use the famous dialogue from the movie 'Vennela' - "Pumpkin akka, jara pakkaki jarugutaava. Prapancham kanipistaledu" (Please move, I am not able to see the universe)

Superstition #4 Cutting/Trimming the finger nails

Well, this rage comic(my creation only) manages to capture the gist of the 'timing the nail cutting' phenomenon. (its the same for hair cutting also)

Superstition 5# If a black cat crosses your path, your task will not be completed and bad luck will befall on you

Well, it must have taken millions of black cats to cross so many people's paths with the way the economic recession has spread bad luck the world over. There's so much talk of bad lucka round nowadays. Its come to a point where if a human crosses a black cat's path, its task will not be completed coz it will be jinxed by the human (and not the other way around).

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And the list goes on and on. All contributions to this list are welcome. I am sure there are many more interesting superstitions out there which have to be captured :)

PS: Have written this on a lighter note. Please don't get offended. Just having some fun at the superstition's expense(as it has had at my expense all my life).

102. Banality

When banality and triteness are the predominantly experienced feelings, then its a clear indicator that you're on the other side of life, the drearier side. Yea, ppl might come up and say "You're just 25, your whole life is ahead of you." Well to be frank, its the other way round. I'm of the firm opinion that mankind goes in pursuit of elusive things like happiness and 'true love' companionship only after it realizes that there's nothing else left to do in this lifetime. Hunting for ways and means to fill the void, all in the pursuit of the elusive emotion 'happy-ness'.

And coupled with banality and triteness comes sarcasm, their evil half-brother counterpart. Everything seems funny, albeit due to anger over the prevailing irrationality in and around you.

The urge to set things right, to scream and shake things up is long gone. There's a prevailing calm. Withdrawal from everything materialistic is the probable forecast for the near future. Naturally, this gets supplemented with an aggressive interest in religion and abstract topics like time and evolution.

ps : Just wrote what came to mind. No event trigger for this one. This aint exactly a rant either. Its more of a transient state of mind. One you get when you're nearing another b'day :s

101. The Braggable List

Preparing bucket lists has become a fad nowadays (thanks partially to Jack Nicholson in the movie 'The Bucket  List' and its sadly remade Hindi version as well.) I for one am not endowed with the ability to think so far and think so much either. What I do wanna do in response to these bucket lists is prepare an own list of mine. I call it the 'Braggable List'.

The idea is pretty simple. Do anything that can be bragged about in front of your friends or family or even random ppl on the street. It can range from using up an entire bottle of Iodex spray on an imaginary sprain that you thought you had(but actually did not according to the doc) to flirting with an old flame (who is married now) to wearing a  different sock on each foot when u're headed to give a presentation to reusing a Domino's discount coupon for the 138th time to peeing on a Harley Davidson when the owner is not around.It can be banal, value-less and gibberish in every way. But its gotto be braggable, that's all.

When you make your Bucket List, if you intend to add a banal activity to it and you happen to tell ppl about it, you risk the chance of being perceived as shallow(coz its ur final list, one for this lifetime), which you don't want to be perceived as, so you'll strike that banal activity off your list, which you should not, coz its you frikkin list, but you will, coz you're a scared timid society-conforming creature.

The best thing about this list is you don't need to have any inhibitions when you prepare the list. You can add whatever you like to brag about. And you can have many lists. Unlike the 'Bucket List' which has to be just the one list and has to be thoughtful and full of meaning and groovy too, the 'Braggable List' is much more chilled out and does not require you to rack your brains as much. Life is too short to spend a half of it to create a thoughtful list and the other half to edit it so that it looks socially acceptable in every sense. The best thing about bragging is that anything can be made to sound cool and groovy as long as its bragged about in the right way. The people around you are as insecure about their shallow lives and as scared of death as you are, but its your brag tales that makes them think that you have it all figured out(which you have not but creating a confident impression always works.)

So people, go ahead and make your Braggable Lists and start working on them. If you change your mind on a list after sometime, make another and work on that one. Or just brag about the one you already made, coz creating this list is a braggable activity in itself :)

100. Proust questionnaire

The Proust Questionnaire is a questionnaire about one's personality. Its name and modern popularity as a form of interview is owed to the responses given by the French writer Marcel Proust - source Wikipedia


I figured that I'd do at 25 what Proust did at 13 and 20, which is answer this questionnaire. Not a bad way to commemorate 6 years of blogging(credit goes to a special someone who asked me to start writing in the first place)


Your most marked characteristic?
Easy-going fun lover, Clumsy and humorous


The quality you most like in a man?
Composure, sense of purpose


The quality you most like in a woman?
Effervescence, Enchantment


What do you most value in your friends?
They add greatly to my understanding of the universe.


What is your principle defect?
I build castles in the air. All planning and no execution.


What is your favorite occupation?
I like to read snippets about random anythings. 


What is your dream of happiness?
Happiness for me is momentary. And I can conjure up many such moments which would be equally delightful. But in the spirit of the question, I shall say that I dream to do something substantial for underprivileged kids and dream of attaining happiness once I've done that (which I may or may not attain)


What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
Losing your loved ones. 


What would you like to be?
Thin


In what country would you like to live?
From all that I've seen, I think Germany


What is your favorite color?
Turquoise. I'll fall for any girl wearing anything turquoise. Its that a brilliant color


What is your favorite flower?
Cauliflower


What is your favorite bird?
The Bat. Its such a fragile yet scary mammal


Who are your favorite prose writers?
John Grisham, Khaled Hosseini, Nicholas Nassim Taleb 


Who are your favorite poets?
Kabirdas, Vemana, Alfred Lord Tennyson 


Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Spiderman. Kudos to Stan Lee for creating an amazing character


Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Abby Mcdeere from 'The Firm' and Reggie Love from 'The Client'


Who are your favorite composers?
A.R.Rahman, Hans Zimmer, Illayaraja, Eric Clapton, Rammstein


Who are your favorite painters?
Don't really follow art. But the two Karthik(s) I know are brilliant. (Karthik Talloju and PSK Kartheek)


Who are your heroes in real life?
All the lone crusaders behind lost causes - Irom Sharmila for instance


Who are your favorite heroines of history?
Golda Meir 


What are your favorite names?
Recently, I've been given the name A.Raja, which is an abbreviated form for 'Anubhavinchu Raja' (a classic song title from the 70s)


What is it you most dislike?
high handedness


What historical figures do you most despise?
Aurangazeb, Cornvallis 


What event in military history do you most admire?
Little Boy and Fat man


What reform do you most admire?
The RTI Act 2005 


What natural gift would you most like to possess?
To never age :p I need more time to see the world


How would you like to die?
I wouldn't like it any which way


What is your present state of mind?
Pensive


To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Gluttony. I eat like there's no tomorrow sometimes. I think every man should have two stomachs, one internal and one external (pluggable like an external HDD)


What is your motto?
Live within limited means

99. My vehicle, yen vandi, meri gaadi, naa bandi

Riding a vehicle was always a very big deal for me. Simply because I'd never done it ever before. You may argue its not a big deal anymore since most of you would have learnt how to ride a bike when you were in high school(some even in primary school). But for me, it was. Up until high school, the APSRTC was good enuf to get me to school and back home. And after that, staying in a hostel pretty much dint require me to learn the art of driving since there were many others who knew how to. I belonged to the urban minority who dint know how to drive anything(even a bullock cart).

And our gender-bender society is such that it only expects all its men folk to have this skill. Women folk are exempted. They have their boyfriends or 'just friends' who are ever ready to take them out on their vehicles. Talk about gender equality, no equality in this case.

Anyways, Abhay Krishna did not know how to drive a vehicle, especially a 2 wheeler for the first 25 years of his existence. Nothing to be proud of, but that is how it was. A notion that I would never ever learn to ride a bike was getting deep-rooted in my head. One's inability to do something feeds on itself, grows in size in the mind until it eventually becomes so gigantic that it cannot be uprooted at all.

When I told this to my zonal head in Idea Cellular, he laughed. How was I supposed to work as a sales guy without owning a vehicle. It was insane. Well, certain things change for the better, however late. Lemme put it in question answer form to be convenient.

Q. After so many years, how did you suddenly get the motivation to learn driving ?
Ans: It was as sudden as the increase in the pressure from my zonal head, asking me to get more and more sales numbers from my territory. My boss wanted numbers. I wanted to hear lesser gaalis. This was the only way out. Sad but true.

Q. When did you learn how to drive a 2 wheeler ?
Ans: New Year's Eve. Dec 31st 2010. Wanted to start off the new year with a bang. While the whole city was busy consuming alcohol and puking all over public spaces, I for one was driving my 2 wheeler in the lanes and by lanes of a fairly quiet colony. Now I drive pretty well. Almost 6k kms done. Am a reformed man.

Q. Why TVS Wego ? Why not an Activa or a Pulsar or a Yamaha ?
Ans: Good question. Having never driven one before, I wanted to go for a more hassle free and quick to learn kind of vehicle. And I was told by my sales colleagues that scooters were better when it came to driving thru narrow lanes in villages during the sales call. The Activa was on top of my mind but that was the case with hundreds of others as well. It had a lead time of 8 months (festival season, so many bookings had been done at that time). The sales guy told me that he could only get me this vehicle in 2 weeks. And it was 9k lesser than Activa. I said yes. By the time I got my vehicle, I had quit the sales job. So that is the story in short.

Q. How was the first ride on the main road ?
Ans: Scary, downright scary. I was driving at 20-25 kmph and even cycle fellows overtook me. (I still don't go over 50 kmph :p)

Its been 8 months since I started driving the Wego. And its been 8 scary and cautious but eventful and glorious months. From not knowing how to ride a bike to getting a recent compliment from a friend that I am a safe bet when it comes to driving, I have come a long way :)

I don't leave the house 2 hours in advance to get to a far out place anymore. I don't carry change in my pocket for the bus ticket anymore. I make it to many more events now and I make it on time as well. Agreed that driving is no pleasant experience in Hyderabad, but I'm having fun. I still enjoy the cool breeze that hits my balding forehead whenever I hit the accelerator on my Wego. Little joys, I'm still a kid.

There are two morals to be imbibed from this short story (especially for those of you who are yet to learn the two wheeler)


1. Don't wait until its too late. This is true for anything in life. Its better to take the 'leap of faith' early. (Otherwise you'd have to do it under pressure later, like I had to learn the vehicle)


2. Look for motivations to complete a task(learning to drive in this case), rather than waiting for the motivation to come and look for you (the boss in my case). Hell, if someone as paranoid as me could do it, you surely can do it.

ps : That's how my vehicle looks. Nothing too fancy but it does the job. And keeps me happy :)

98. Cubicles and ogre chicks

This post is an extension of the basic idea presented in an older post of mine - Cubicles and cute chicks

Well, this is my second stint in the world of cubicles. It feels good being back. The plush offices, the food courts, the pretty ppl, the carpeted floors...am loving it all. Although, there were some things that dint go well with me during my first stint in this arena (its been 4 years since). One of 'em was the constant annoyance created by the men folk who'd crowd around a semi-cute looking girl's desk(yes, she was a girl, barely a major) who happened to sit right next to me in the cubicle.

If you've read the earlier post(which I think you shud), you would know that the person I was referring to as 'Phoolan' was the semi-cute chick who used to sit to my right in the office cubicle. My current cubicle situation is not very different. I'm the only member of the stronger sex in that cube. To my right is the team lead, vastly experienced, married and has the answers to all your questions(ahem...I mean technical questions). To her right is another senior team member who is so busy coding and scheduling meetings that she hardly ever stares outside of the 14' screen in front of her. To her right(and to my immediate left) is the apple of my eye, the bump of my nose, the shit remains of my slippers: the ogre chick 'Fiona', the new joinee fresh out of college.

Now if I tell you that Phoolan was a fairy-tale version of what Fiona is, you'd think that I am exaggerating. But that is so not the case. Here are the reasons.

The male entourage

On the one hand, Phoolan did have her male entourage, but they were just a regular bunch of despo guys salivating at the sight of a semi cute chick. On the other hand, Fiona has her male posse which comprises of the retarded yo-man-i-dont-know-why-i-show-up-like-a-dick dude, the guy with the my-chest-has-to-be-1 meter-ahead-of-the-rest-of-my-body-at-all-times kind of walking style, the giggle-o who always giggles screechingly no matter what and the boil-faced fellow ogre who gives guest appearances at times. So there we have it - Retarded Dude (RD), Chest Man(CM), Giggle-o (GG) and Boil face (BF)...this is Fiona's posse. Its a noisy, filthy and uncouth collection of uncivil neanderthals. Imagine a Skeletor or a Gollum trying to flirt with a creature who is equally as bizarre(say an Ursula or a Cruella)  in an even more bizarre manner. Welcome to my world :( 

The chick

Phoolan was pretty, at least semi-cute. She had a rising smile and she knew how to carry herself around the salivating mongrels. And I haven't told this ever before, but she also had a sweet voice. Now Fiona is like Phoolan's mirror image(only if the mirror is dipped in dirt and taken out of Retarded Dude's ass). Ok, she's not pretty. Nowhere close to that even. She's got a pigmented face, pigmented teeth and mutant body odor. She doesn't talk, she brays. She doesn't whisper, she brays. She doesn't gesture to call someone, she brays. Her voice box is a cross between MTV's Udham Singh and Times Now's Arnab Goswami (sad that this voice box had to be given to a woman). Guys at the other end of the floor have asked me about the donkey-like brays being heard from near my cube(It's Fiona on the desk phone talking sweet-nothings to one of her entourage members). I've told them that it must be the faulty electrical wiring that's making the funny noises.(But I know sooner or later that they'll find out and make fun of my pathetic condition)

Work Load
Phoolan used to remain engrossed in her work and she knew how to use her work as a weapon to ward off unnecessary advances from the despo kings. But Fiona has no work. Nor does any of her irritating posse members. And from the looks of it, she doesn't even want any work. She seems pretty content braying on her desk phone all day picking calls from her group of followers.

The support

There used to be times when the older guys in the cube would take a harsh stand and ward off the despo guys away from Phoolan's desk. This used to happen once in a while, but it was a very important sanity check for all of us to remain normal. But over here, the other women folk of the cube have not done their bit to try and stop this animal. That is because they themselves engage in excessive low-volume banter from time to time. And I'm like the only silent sufferer bearing all this on a daily basis. 

Presence of mind
At times, Phoolan would get the negative vibe from the cube and she'd then decide to shift the action to the cafeteria or any other place far away from the cube. But Fiona, being the new and un-groomed ogre that she is, is yet to learn the tricks of the trade. And we're all hoping that she learns 'em soon, so that we all can be spared of the daily harassment that she and her entourage are putting us through nowadays.

I need a raise because I am working in such exceptional work conditions :)