81. Facebook

Nut 1 : Did you hear what 'pretty-but-shy-and-low-profile' girl has done ?

Nut 2 : Did she come out of the closet ?

Nut 1 : Nah...I'd hate to see that happen though. Can't lose the very few pretty single-and-ready-to-mingle women to lesbianism. It'd be grossly unfair for us 'Aam aadmi' Indian men.

Nut 2 : So what did she do ?

Nut 1 : She updated her relationship status on Facebook. It now reads that she's in a relationship with 'popular-but-dimwit-and-asinine' guy.

Nut 2 : Lemme guess. That update would've been followed by a 100 'likes' and another 250 'congratulations' comments.

Nut 1 : Yea. I read most of 'em, all different variants of the same word. 'congrats','congu','congo', congos','congs','grats'....

Nut 2 : Each wanting to make his/her greeting look different with an irritating overuse and abuse of dots, smileys and exclamations. Retards !

Nut 1 : Don't be so harsh. They're just expressing their emotions.

Nut 2 : Yea right ! That's the new way to show that you're hep and cool. Gone are the good old days when being cool just meant having streaked hair and walking like a punk. With the onset of Facebook, things have changed.Anyways, you seemed to have had a thing for this chick right ?

Nut 1 : Yea I did....sigh...And was quite surprised to hear that she fell for that dumbass. What do girls look for ? I'm really confused.

Nut 2 : They look for 'cool' men.

Nut 1 : I am cool !

Nut 2 : Well, lets see. How often do you update your status on FB ?

Nut 1 : eerrmm....twice a week.

Nut 2 : Way off the mark. Do you have more than 400 ppl whom you don't know as 'friends' on your Friend list ?

Nut 1 : No

Nut 2 : Do you 'Like' every other cool dude/cute chick's status message or photo upload as soon as it happens ?

Nut 1 : No

Nut 2 : Do you take amazingly random and blurry pictures and upload 'em in an album with an even more random name, making it visible and possible for everyone on FB  to comment and 'Like' ?

Nut 1 : No

Nut 2 : Does your 'Religious  views' column have either 'Atheist' or 'Agnostic'.

Nut 1 : No, I'm a regular run-of-the-mill religion follower.

Nut 2 : Well, that aint good enuf. You need to show that you're a 'rebel in quietism'. (The one shitty thing that the movie RDB has done is taught the phrase 'be a rebel' to the masses, but hardly any of us know how, when, why and for what to rebel.)

Nut 1 : Anything else ?

Nut 2 : Well yea. You need to join at least a 100 groups which your fellow dude-mates have joined. For instance, some have joined groups with highly intellectual names like 'Yes wind, thats fine. Mess up my hair. I didn't plan on looking good today', ' It's okay Pluto, I still think you're a planet', ' Insulting people on levels they can't comprehend.' and the likes...

Nut 1 : Wtf !!!

Nut 2 : It gets even better. Install at least 50 applications like 'Who likes you', 'How much does she like you', 'Horoscope of the day', 'Lover of the day', 'Your favorite color of the day', 'Mystic Meg', 'Psychic leg', 'I went to Winnipeg'....Whatever your actual hometown is, update it to Bombay or Delhi, coz that increases the cool quotient of your profile.

Nut 1 : staring blank

Nut 2 : And lastly, update your 'Music' column with some heavy metal and psychedelic bands. Throw in some 'Ingmar Bergman' directed movies in your 'Movies' column. Garnish your 'Books' column with an Arundhati Roy and a Paulo Coelho written-book....and voila....here we have a totally 'cool' FB profile page. Of course, you need to keep googling for intelligent status messages that you'll need to update your profile with, once every 2 hours.

Nut 1 : Balls! I'd rather not look cool that do all this crap. If I've to make a fool out of myself on FB  to have a chance at a girl, I'd rather remain single. I'm alright being single. All this is coz of the demand-supply gap. Screw you Adam Smith.

Nut 2 : Why don't we encourage male-infanticide in villages. That'd be super-cool and balance the demand-supply gap!

Nut 1 : Screw you Adam Smith.....screw you Facebook....sob sob...sob sob...