73. Online protocols

The rules of the game of  a 'normal conversation' are different when it comes to the online versions of all the interactions we have with everyone around us. Yes, the email, the messenger, skype and other audio/video chat devices have a different set  of protocols to adhere to, which may not apply(cannot be applied) to the normal person-to-person conversation.

What spurred me to write this piece is a small but irritatingly idiotic norm that has gained acceptance in a group that I have to forcibly be a part of. I'm a part of a 60 member class in a b-school. I became a member of a yahoo group that represents the class. The idea of having an online group  primarily was for the CR(class rep) to mail the important announcements to the whole class at once. Some people also exercised the liberty of forwarding "important" (read : shit-piece) articles to the whole group once in a while. But idle time coupled with the ability and power to bug 60 people at once has changed the whole scenario. The people use group mails mostly to have frivolous discussions, to pull one another's leg(like it was done in primary school), to chat about liquor as if its something exotic and out of the world and to vote for the hottest slut in class(there r none btw). And now, there's an addition to the already existing chaotic nonsense. People have started wishing their classmates on their birthdays on the group mail id. Doesn't sound so bad does it. But imagine, you getting 60 mails saying the same "happy b'day XYZ" on every birthday(60 days a year).....won't that bug you ? I don't know, but it bugs the hell out of me. If its someone's birthday, wish him on his id, why do you want the whole fuckin group to know that you're wishing him/her. I've no interest whatsoever in knowing that.

Am I being anti-social here, YES. But am I being pragmatic, double YES!

But its not just this one instance. People abuse the online platform to a great deal just because its a relatively new way of talking and the rules and norms haven't been established yet(they actually have, but we just aren't aware enuf).

People type 'brb' on their messenger windows, never to return back. If a person who types 'brb' doesn't return in 2 minutes flat, 25 GB of gay porn should automatically get downloaded onto his/her PC.

People who say 'gtg' abruptly, with no care for the guy at the other end should have nightmares about having a  date with Himesh Reshammiya, their 'knight in shining armor'.

The number of insane "fraandhsip" requests on orkut and facebook is a testimony to the fact that for every one non-despo, there are a million despos in this country (a blaring example for 'unity in diversity' in our country).

I realize that chatting online does reduce inhibitions, doesn't mean that you go full throttle and flirt like there's no tomorrow. I've seen break-ups happening online(in my hostel), and it isn't a pretty sight....People slamming the mouse pads, kicking the dust bins close to the table and screaming at their room-mates just coz the girl has gone offline and won't take their calls no more.

People use fake profiles on social networking sites to bug their childhood crushes and to stalk their current crushes online(voyeurs or Peeping Toms). I've seen profiles with names like 'Shakila ki maa Tequila', 'Lola kutty in my mutthi' with status messages like 'I want a hasina with pasina', 'Faad ke panty, c*** de aunty' etc etc. For the record, creating a profile with all censored pics and raunchy stuff filled in it is  a very cheap and lame idea to create humor, although it works sometimes :p

People uploading their photos(standing in front of a stupid rock or just posing for the heck of it) and forcing everyone in the colony to view their online albums should be castrated, to say the least(or atleast given 100 lashes with a leather whip).

Proposing online is not  a good way to go about doing it. You never really know if you're proposing to the girl or to her brother (the girl went out to buy some lipstick...the bro, with his group of friends, has been chatting with you all through your flirtatious build-up to the proposal question...how embarrassing).

The 'Busy' status message is by far the most abused one in today's messengers. When someone is 'busy', don't ping them unless your life depends on it. Seriously, its really bugging. Its almost like knocking on a door with a 'do not disturb' sign on it. And there's the other side of the coin where we find people who have the 'Busy' status msg whenever they're online. People just like to look busy, most of them are never busy. Just for the record, if you're taking time off to dig your nose or to eat your ear-wax or scratch your sweaty ass or to refresh the 'orkut' main page or to scroll up and down on your messenger list, you are NOT busy.

And when you've gotto end a conversation, just say 'bye' and end it. Don't prolong it with all those unnecessary words and abbreviations like bbbye, gn, tc, cya, ciao, haffun, gnite and gud luck, cheers, alvida, shabba khair, khuda haafis, boy boy, sheeyaa....all typed one after the other...its mighty irritating for the person at the other end to think of one other thing or to retype the same thing that you've just typed, just out of courtesy.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Most of us just don't get it. So many more protocols get formed and broken online, all it needs is some common sense to  see this nonsense and go senile.

72. Of gifts and gate-crashes

When all is it appropriate to gate-crash at a party or a gathering ? On the same lines, when all is it ok to not give a gift to the people whose party you've come to ? Any purist would say 'never'. But we aren't purists, are we ? We live in the real and messy world where all the boundaries are blurred. So we chalk out our own interpretations for such situations and spread them to one and all like its the gospel truth.

For instance, I'd recently been to a friend's elder brother's marriage. My friend had invited me and a couple of other school friends to the gathering. Now while we were driving to the party, I was a bit uncomfy coz we were going there empty-handed. Till a few years back, when I was  a minor(in every sense of the word), I wasn't expected to bring a gift to the party. That was mom and dad's headache. I just had to be there in my best outfit and gorge on all the delicacies and ice-creams. But now, things are different. In 2 yrs, am gonna hit a quarter century (and most probably, have a quarter-life crisis too). So, its expected of me to behave as a responsible 'major' social animal and buying a gift for the bride and groom is part and parcel of this behavioral pattern.

But the rest of my gang were adamant that we need not buy a gift. They say that we need to buy a gift if it is our friend's wedding, but if its his brother's or sister's wedding, we needn't buy anything. They say that the friend should not bother about gifts & presents from us and would be happy just coz we have graced the gathering with our presence  :O.....I don't seem to get the reasoning behind this social norm. I mean, I'm being invited, offered free food (and drinks) and in return, I'm expected to wish the bride and groom accompanied with a material offering. Its that simple. Whether its my friend or his brother or a complete stranger. As long as I am invited and I am present at the function, I am supposed to do the needful.

This is just one incident. It becomes worse when one is tagged along to a birthday party or a farewell or a freshers or a completely unrelated party. The place is new, no one knows you, you get a lot of "who the fuck is he ?" stares & you seem to be the only one with no gift in your hand.

A booze party is all the more tricky. Everyone is there for the liquor. And you need to be in a group to get a table to sit and drink. If you're alone, you won't enjoy the liquor and you'll get the stares from the bartender & waiters. Even a guy who's had 15 vodka shots will make out that you're a gate-crasher.

The trade-off is simple. Its the level of uncomfy-ness versus the quality of food and drink that's gonna be available. If the uncomfy-ness is on the lower side, take the risk and go gate crash, no matter how remotely you know the person whose party it is. If its a bit high, then weight the pros and cons and take the plunge :)