26. Quandaries of an exam-giver

If you think I am gonna be talkin about the pre-exam blues which each one of us face, or our futile attempts at guessing the supposed paper pattern/expected questions, nopes, I aint gonna bore your brains with such stuff. There are more pressing matters which for some reasons have always remained unmentioned. This post is an attempt to put forth some of the unusually regular quandaries which an exam-given runs into on the D-day.

‘The diet’ - Very very crucial. Most of us, aware, that eating some junk before the big day can only but ruin the already slim chances of succeeding, end up eating really less, also the safest stuff possible (which in my case is just a can of milk). Well, if you happen to belong to this category, then you would know that the ‘tummy’ begins to growl asking for something more filling right in the middle of the exam. The paper seems a lesser and “easier to conquer” menace when compared to appeasing the demands of the holy “Lord Belly”. And if you are the “exam day-junk food/any food” eating variety, then you must be really lucky for not having had a rough-belly-exam day till now.


‘The Ride’ - God creates a lot of hurdles en-route from home to the exam hall ensuring that we stumble at least at one of them, enabling us to take our minds off the exam for a while, and get tensed about the problem at hand and worry to death as to whether we’ll be able to write the exam at all ! The Bus failure, the fight with the auto-driver who happens to take you through a little more circuitous route than the usual, the forgotten bus-pass, the ‘blessed hall ticket’ which takes off from your pocket and sails through the window while you are busy searching for your bus pass, stumbling on a beggar while running after the hall ticket, (the bloody driver of )the Maruti van which transfers a lot of the mud-puddle’s contents onto your jeans, the next auto-driver who doesn’t have the adequate change/chiller and the policeman outside the exam center who doesn’t believe even a bit of your story !


‘Sweet Lullaby’ – A song by ‘Deep Forest’, which you happened to hear while mugging up some formulae in the morning, manages to linger in your head through all this madness thus far. What’s more, it stays stuck in the head all through the exam, thereby making the event of doing the paper ‘well’ improbable. Not to mention the strands of hair that fall right on the question-paper while you constantly try and pull your head (with both hands) apart trying to throw this song out.


'Oh!.......Pretty woman' – While searching for the bench allocated to your number, you happen to have a glance at this pretty pretty female sitting right in the front row. “Why dont such pretty people even venture anywhere near my college” is the first thought that flashes. Disaster strikes when you go and ask her(with a broad smile) about your bench’s location and she replies in this awfully croaky, loud and anti-flirtatious tone. “Glad that such people never venture anywhere near my college”, is the first thought that flashes.


'Cupid strikes!!! ' - you figure your location, take a look around and see that the seating arrangement is two-in a bench, get seated and pray that the other person doesn’t come for the exam (a full bench to yourself is the ultimate luxury during an exam). Then, you see this mystically beautiful ‘Damsel in Distress’ (DD) rush into the room trying to figure where she has to sit. The whole class have their eyes on her, even the geeky nerds are eyeballing her through their +7 sighted spectacles. Cupid strikes, hits four love arrows in your butt making you numb to all the exam hysteria. “Love at first sight” seems an understatement. “Truly, madly, deeply” may be able to justify the extent of the effect of Cupid’s artillery. And what’s more, she comes and sits right next to you, giving you the ‘hi’ with a smile while all you are doing is staring at her with the jaws wide open.


Memory ‘magic’ :o – From then on, it’s downhill. Serendipity, but at such an awkward time !!!! .Cant help but have a look at the angel every once in a while, a question seems confusing, take a look at her and then get back to it and remain confused, this cycle repeating every couple of minutes. “Deep Forest” doesn’t seem to leave you alone, this attractive femme making matters worse. A question on probability gets you so transfixed that the question itself begins to talk to you, tells you “Go and talk to her, tell her how you feel, exams are here to stay, but this girl will not come back. Decide for yourself, your future is in your hands”. The mind goes all crazy, and efforts to get back to sanity by pulling your hair are frowned upon by DD. You realize the importance of buying two pens/pencils before an exam when she asks “Do you have an extra pencil” and you gladly give her one with a broad grin that would make Bart Simpson proud!


The 'beginning' of the 'end' - The exam time ends, and predictably, you’ve ended on the ‘screwed-up” side of the population. DD seems pretty happy with her performance, gives you a rising smile and starts making conversation. “Wow, this is my chance”, is the first thought that flashes, and you begin talking. The both of you are almost out of the exam center when a hunk on his bike comes out of nowhere and shouts “Kavita…”, to which DD responds with an enthusiastic ‘hiiiiiii!!!!!’. “Kavita, hmmm, sweet name”, is the first thought that flashes. “Hey, have to go, was nice talking to you, here’s my email id, keep in touch” and hands you a small slip. As you see her slowly disappearing from sight, the first thought that flashes – “ was that her boyfriend? Do I have a chance?” . “Then again, such pretty girls are never free, you should be foolish to not realize that dumbo !!!” is the second thought that flashes.


‘The Ride back’ – “Dejection”,one word to sum up the ride back home. What makes the ride worse is if you happen to meet some of your colleagues who have given the same paper and they begin asking “how was your paper dude?” Anyone who has done miserably would not want to talk about the paper, it’s only those who want to boast of their good performance that brag about how easy the paper was making life hell for the other people who would prefer to stay mum and rout internally in their misery.


‘The Sympathy vote’ : Once at home, the moment you declare that your paper dint go well, there’s this barrage of sympathy-oozing comforting statements from all directions, makes you wanna run away to some distant desert and never return again.

If the exam itself wasn’t tough enough, we exam-givers have to go through all these quandaries as well….Oh God, hope you are listening(praying with joined hands)