36. The Tooth Fairy

On a moonlit night, Chris was walking through the dense shrubbery within the confines of his college campus. He dint know why he was walking, where he was walking, for how long he had walked. He dint want the day to end, it had been so smooth and good all through. He had just finished eating a delicious sizzler at brajwashi’s. He had seen ‘Before sunrise’ and ‘Before sunset’ back to back, and it had felt real good. He had found his precious ‘Real Madrid’ football jersey (he thought he’d lost it) while cleaning his room. His Btech project mentor was happy with the progress he had made. His mom had called up in the morning to tell him that they had planned a trip to Goa in another three weeks time, as soon as he got back home. She had also told him that another 5 K had been deposited in his Syndicate bank account. Now that his college days were coming to an end (just left with 2 weeks that’s all), he was all thrilled about the various ways in which he could spend so much money in such little time. He had 14 days. The already existing 2K plus another 5K in the bank. He was beside himself with joy. Shoes, liquor, hard disk, novels…..blah, the list was endless. He could do whatever he wanted. Finally, he was going to become an engineer. After 4 years of college, it was all going to get over just in a flash. Life at DA-IICT was fun. He began to think of all the golden moments, a few embarrassing ones did come to mind instantly.

As he wandered through the bushes, he wondered how he’d miss college so much. Lost in thought, he said aloud “I wish these days in college would never end”. Unaware of the water pipe in front, he tripped on it and fell to the ground with a big thud. He got up only to find that he’d lost a tooth. As he got up and regained his composure, a very very pretty girl was standing in front of him. She had wings on her back, had a wand in her hand a velvety conical hat to top it all off. It seemed as though she’d just returned from a fancy dress competition or a fashion parade. Chris was smitten by her beauty but there was this one part of him that wanted to laugh the hell out. There was also this one other part that was still writhing in pain, he’d lost a canine tooth and had chipped another pre-molar.

Chris – hi. Who are you ?
Very very pretty girl – I am a fairy.
Chris (rubs his eyes, pinches his thighs, screws his ears) – what ???
Fairy – Yes. I’m a fairy. Why, is it so hard to believe ? doesn’t my attire give it out ?
Chris(still writhing in pain and astounded) – cool. But what makes you appear in front of me at this godforsaken hour?
Fairy (smiles) – I am not just any ordinary fairy. I’m the ‘tooth fairy’ :) . ‘Holy Godmother’ has given me the job of collecting teeth from the Gandhinagar area for this week. You lost an important tooth and I happened to be flying nearby.
Chris – I’m sorry, but I cant help you find it. It’s too dark here.
Tooth Fairy – Don’t worry, I already have it in my pocket.
Chris - But is that it! You came here coz of the tooth ? What a lame job for such a pretty girl.
Tooth Fairy – Yeah! But there’s something in it for you. Now that you’ve lost a tooth, I’m gonna grant one wish of yours.
Chris – wait wait. lemme think. I don’t want to waste it. can I have some time to think.
Tooth Fairy – No no. you’ve already asked for a wish.
Chris – When did I wish for anything ?
Tooth Fairy – You made a wish just before you tripped and broke your tooth.
Chris(thinks for a few seconds) – aaaah! Yes, I did !!! I really wish these days would never end. It may seem a tough wish to fulfill, but you’re a tooth fairy, you can manage it right !

Tooth Fairy (***devilish smile***) – Certainly… You wish these days not to end. They never will.

All of a sudden, the pretty girl turned into a two winged, four legged, five ass-ed monster and started to laugh at Chris. It said “you’re dead meat, punk ! This wish is gonna hurt you real bad”. Saying this it flew away and disappeared in a jiffy. Chris was just plain dumbstruck. He got back to the hostel, dint think much about what had happened and just went to sleep.

He woke up the next morning with a slight headache, the chipped tooth still ached. With the brush in hand, he left his room in search of the elusive toothpaste tube (sometimes its tough to even find a single paste filled tube in one whole hostel wing). Just then, his Btech project partner Mandy came running down the corridor all panting.

Chris – what’s the matter ? why do u look so perplexed ?
Mandy – Idiot ! today was the last day to submit the project report. I couldn’t wake you up so went to our mentor all by myself.
Chris – My presence wouldn’t have mattered much. Anyway, you did submit the report right ?
Mandy – Uhhhh..not exactly. Our mentor dint accept it. All of a sudden , he’s turned into a psycho kinda guy. Don’t know what’s happened to him over-night ! He's started telling that the work we’ve done is hardly enough. Says that we have to stay here for the entire summer, that means another 3 months !!!
Chris – wtf???? Let me go talk to him once.
Mandy – I am not going there again. Have had enough for one day.

Chris marched to his professor’s office, with a whole lot of questions in mind. He entered the room and saw that the prof was looking at some photo album.

Chris – Good morning err..afternoon sir. Is that your family album ?
Professor – Yes.
Chris – Sir, about the project…..
Professor – I’ve already talked about it with Mandy. I wont entertain any more questions.
You’re staying here for the summer. That’s final !!!!

Saying this, he slammed the album in his hand onto the table which was between the both of them. Chris managed to have a good look at one of the pictures. He had seen the female in the photo sometime before, but wasn’t able to recollect. Since he could ask no questions about the project, he went ahead and asked

Chris - Sir, whose the girl in this photo?
Professor (gives him a stare) – That’s my daughter. She’s studying abroad.

They talked for a while, but Chris wasn’t able to get out of doing an extra 3 months in college. He stormed out of the prof’s office. He was angry. Suddenly he dint start to like his college that much. The professors and their massive California-sized ego’s, the military like discipline system, the sheer autocracy of the profs with no authority above to dictate to them, the stupid water pipe which chipped his tooth. , all of them started to get to him. He wished his stint at college would end soon and he’d get out of this place. Then he sat back and thought, why did all this happen?

In a flash, he remembered. That girl whom he’d seen in the photo album was none other than the Tooth Fairy. HOLY FCUK !!! It all came back to him. The wish that he had made. The devilish grin of the fairy and then her turning into a monster. It ran in their family. He could see the same smile all the mouths in that pic.He clenched his fist, and hit his own right thigh real hard saying “I knew it !!! I've been tricked. Why at all did I make such a wish ??”. Only after he had hit his thigh did he realize that he’d broken the ATM card that was in the right pocket. Now he’d have to goto Sector-16 each time he’d have to withdraw money. Tears rolled down his cheeks. He screamed in agony “ When will these days end ??? I wanna get out of here.” Then came a sound from the background “NEVER NEVER NEVER !!! hahahahahaaaaa”.

33. 'Well-left'

The minute I read the title, what comes to my mind first is the classic “well-left” that Rahul Dravid showcases when he faces a ball that pitches outside off-stump and swings away. Kya technique hai baap; the way he leaves the ball, enviable to say the least. Guess this is’nt a good time to remind anyone about Indian cricket, with the huge world cup debacle (where the Pepsi Ad slogan “Hoo haa India!!!” became “Ghar jaa India!!!” even before most of the Indian supporters could reach the Carribean :D).

Losing to B’desh ! How can you?? These bloody cricketers are swimming in money, advertising for every new shampoo, hair oil, battery, biscuit, chocolate, bust-cream and Vibrator in town. And the media is no big help, keeping our cricketers at such a high pedestal ! What made me go nuts was a comment from Navjot Sidhu just before the “Ind vs Sri Lanka” match. He went on air (may be on NDTV, am not sure) saying “An optimist is one who thinks that bullshit is fertilizer”. Lets dissect this comment literally first. He equates the current Indian position to bullshit [ roflol =)) , I personally had a huge laugh, coz I’m sort-of anti-India] and then asks them to use it as a fertilizer. Yes, these fellas should be sent to rural internships like we were sent to (back in first year); and be made to plough lands and spread dung all over the fields(their faces too, if possible) with their bare hands. Ok, even if we do take the figurative meaning of the comment which asks the Indian team to be positive, that they will win over Sri Lanka; how in the hell can that happen. You cant lose to a bunch of Horlicks drinking school kids and club players in one match; and expect yourself to be supremely confident of winning over a side with pro’ly one of the best bowling attacks of this World Cup; and that too in the same week (within a span of 5 days)!!!

Anyways, this isn’t the main intent behind this post. Just got carried away coz of the unbelievable un-understandable cricket mania/hysteria which just doesn’t seem to die in this country, despite the repeated failures. Can safely say that our Indian team is consistently inconsistent (God I love saying this whenever India loses; and all at home can do nothing but give me an icy stare). It’s high-time we ppl “well left”-ed this sport for some other one, or for some other goddamn activity. I’d suggest a good doze of Basketball. Man! It’s one exhilarating sport, awesssomely fast paced and one where the team coach actually does matter (is pivotal in fact!). Soccer comes next on my suggestion list. Anything’s ok, but for the sake of God/Christ/Buddha/Mahavira/Allah , just do something to divert your attention and money from Cricket. Pull these assholes down to earth, from the seventh heavens where they’re happily nestling and displaying their endorsed shampoos, kesh-kala hair creams and blah…

A point should come where the cricketers realize, that either they’ll have to “well-left” their ad campaigns and play gr8 cricket, or the faithful Indian supporter will just “well-left” watching Indian cricket ( in such a way that even Dravid will admire the “well-left” ) . Yea, they can do as many revenue generating antics as they want, as long as they dont forget that it is playing classy cricket that has gotten them to this stage, and that they should continue to do so !

“Desamuduru”, an exceedingly irritating gult movie seems to have benefited greatly by the Indian debacle at the WC. Apparently, it’s hit the second all-time high collections at the B.O :P. This is just the beginning. We must, MUST ignore the cricketers until they perform to our expectations. The ignorance and rejection should be such that there should come a time when ppl like Dhoni and Agarkar start running behind children pleading them to take their autographs and the children have a gala time not giving their autograph books to these fellas. Kinda surprising that none of the senior fellows announced their retirements, taking the cue from Inzamam who totally took the blame of Pak’s bad performance on himself and raised his bat declaring that he’s “well-left” international cricket.

Well, it seems that I’ve successfully managed to complete a post without even mentioning the central idea /theme till now, guess I’ve “well-left”-ed it, will write on it soon :D “Well-Left – 2” will be right around the corner, but do post ur comments on this one, puhleeez.

32. At the coffee shop

At present

He – a student

She – a student

Time : 10:00 AM (on the phone)

He : Hi re, lets meet up ? wat say ?

She : Ok…I am not sure if I should bunk today.

He : hey come on, a cold frappe is the best way to start the day !

She : hehe, yeah.

He : So, it’s a date then :)

She (Smiles) : I guess !

Time : 11:00 AM

At the coffee shop

He – hey, looking damn pretty today !

She just blushes.

She – You smell funny !

He – ya, it’s a mix of ‘Axe’ deo and that stupid anti-dandruff herbal hair oil !

She – You’re weird you know…I like weirdos !

He – You smile a lot you know….I sometimes wonder if it’s because of me….Anyways, wats the plan today ? Wanna watch “Dhoom 2” ?

She – anything’s ok.

He- And before I forget, here are your chocolates…

She (all blushes) – Thank you…and I wont be sharing them !

He – Chalega.

He – And what abt your customary “Blue lagoon” mocktail, when do you plan to have that? before the movie or after ?

She – After! This fellow is so sweet, never forgets to ask me this. I wonder if he’s the one. Why dint I know him a lot earlier? Btw, stop calling at my place with weird aliases like ‘Ace Ventura’ and ‘Laddoo ram’…My mom’s getting suspicious!

He (laughs) – I simply love doin that…. So, looks like I’ve saved you from your ‘Monday blues’ this time…

She – Ya! My friends are all really mad at me, coz you’re making me bunk college all the time ! I’ve missed every Monday this semester you know.

He - Is it !

She – And I am running out of excuses for getting late at home. It’s for you damn it !!!

He – that u’ll manage I know, you’re one evil genius.

She – How rude! Never call a girl evil ok…you can call me an angel you know :) what’s he waiting for? Aint I clear enough !

He – Oh I see ! Devil’s angel :P … Anyways, for today’s excuse, you can say that you helped out a friend who dint know how to spend his money :P

She – Yeah right ! Was I wrong ?

He – Arey serious, I’ve never loved spending so much before you know ! And start bunking Tuesdays too :P

She – hahaha….That’s it ! He’s going to tell me what I am expecting next.

He – And I almost got into a fight today. On my way to meet you, I went up to a guy next to an auto, thought that he was the driver and said “Minerva coffee shop”. He began to give me directions to the place, which puzzled me. I said “Ohh, yeh auto aapka nahin hai kya ?” He took offence to it, saying “main tereko auto wala dikhroon kya re b***** m**** c*** !” and almost gathered a group to beat me up. Thankfully, a bus came close by and I jumped into it.

She (smiling all along) – Only you can do stuff like this ! Btw, look at this pic, me and my baby cousin…doesn’t she look cute.

He – I am not able to decide whose the cute-er of the two :)

She – Is he flirting again? Why is he still hopping around the bushes? Haaa, my cuz of course!…lets go watch the movie.

He- As you say boss.

She – I know he’s shy. He’ll never come out….Should I tell it to him now or not ? I’ve waited for a long time already….. OR….

Time passed, they kept in touch, mainly through the phone coz she had to move out to a different city.

3 years later

At the coffee shop

11:00 AM

He – a manager

She - an artist

She – Hey Hero, you’re looking a l’il off today, what’s the matter ?

He – Nothing re. Just having a cold, that’s all.

She –: Moron ! Stop lying ok ! I can see it in your face that something’s bothering you. Spill it out.

He – Arey. What zabardasti ! I’m telling you that I’m having a cold naa… damn, I guess I am not that good of a cover-up artist after all

She – hmmmph …! He’s never looked so nervy before.

He – We’ve met like after four months and have started off with a quarrel.

She – ok ok ! When did you get here from your place ?

He – Got here just today morning.

She – And came to see me right away ?

He – You said you wanted to meet so I came off…

She – You could have said that u had just come na, u must be tired !

He – forget about that, tell me what was it that you wanted to talk about ?

She whispers something in his ears.

He - What ! You had feelings for me ! When ? Where ? How dint I know ???

She – I was giving you signals all the time, and you never seemed to pick ‘em up. Then came a time when realization dawned on me; that you’re just too innocent and still this jovial little kid… So I stopped, felt we’d be better of as friends.

And it wasn’t just me, even you used to flirt aimlessly, just that you dint know that you were flirting.

He – I always have had this strange belief “Lucky with food, unlucky with love” and it proves right all the time :(

You know , even I liked you a lot. Just that, I dint feel it was proper to rush into things, coz you had just come out of a break-up and I dint want to be the rebound guy. I always felt that the time would come later, so just waited…and time flew…and here we are.

She – Moron ! He hasn’t changed one bit !

At first, I used to see traces of him in you, then I began seeing you in him. That’s why I decided to break up.

He – Ho…my wretched luck. Guess I misunderstood whatever u said, in fact dint understand at all…. And that’s what I intended to tell you now. I felt that too much time had passed and I had to take the first step. Can we start afresh ?

She – I think you’re luck’s gonna change, you’ll have bad food from now on I guess ;)

He – Doesn’t matter, too much of good food is also bad na :P

She (laughs) – Silly fellow !

He – Listen, I’ve directly come from the airport. Need to get home and show my face to mom ‘n dad…My bags are out in the car.

She – What ! Go home right away moron! But I wish you could stay longer.

He – Yea…So, when next ? tomorrow, same place at 5 ?

He – It’s a date then :) Oh god, let this work well this time

She (smiles) – I guess :D…….

31. A brush with the supernatural

Why in the hell is the male being so numbskullishly eager to get noticed by the cute female, who is in the next cubicle of the 3^rd AC compartment (of the Lok shakti express) ? I mean, what does he expect ? that she’ll turn towards him, give a rising smile (may be even wink) and follow it up with a “Hi handsome ! lets go out on a date sometime.” :P

The male hears a voice out of nowhere, looks in the direction from where he hears the voice, but doesn’t find anyone. He’s kinda puzzled, then he’s told by the voice to just look up and listen, so he does that obediently. The voice begins it’s narrative:

“ Don’t u ever forget that cute girls can never fall in love at first sight with ppl who have a waist line of 38 and an eyesight of –0.25 in both the eye balls!

Don’t u ever forget that u are a tamil Brahmin, that u are gonna have an arranged marriage with a female of preferably the same sub-sub-sub sect !

And how did u forget that u’re this huuuuge miser who tries to bargain even in brand showrooms like reebok, u haven’t even bought any clothes for urself in the last 3 years.So, how in the hell will u get the willingness to spend money in such a free flowing way.

Also, should’nt u be considering the fact that even if u get smitten by the gal and somehow do get the urge to splurge, that u don’t have any cash, tht u’re dead broke !

Lets hypothetically consider that despite all this, she does agree to go out on a date with u; how are u gonna pick her up from her place? have u forgotten that despite staying in a city like hyderabad for 21 years, u haven’t learnt how to drive !!! ”

The male interrupts…. “Enuf enuf enuf ! Yes, I guess I am a misfit for the cute female category,but should’nt I have a minute chance, considering that ‘love is blind’!”

“My dear, love may be blind, but it definitely is’nt mentally or physically challenged ok ! So wipe out such possibilities, spread the bedsheet on your side-upper berth and goto sleep.”

Alas ! the luckless male rests in peace, rather in pieces (heartbroken :( )

30. a Murphy addendum

I was of the impression that Murphy’s laws were actually written by a guy named Murphy. It’s only a lot later did I know that it was a flexible set of laws to which anyone could add their own, provided they’re weird enough and agreeable with a large section of the ppl. This made me think for a while and I realized, that I have a couple of my own laws/experiences which cud be appended to the already huge Murphy set. So here goes ….

If you’re going to the lectures, surely there’s not gonna be any surprise quiz(es) that day!

It’s only from your batch that the question paper pattern changes for each exam!

You happen to teach one girl, for one hour, one day before an exam and your peers make sure that that one mistake haunts you for the rest of your life!!

It’s invariably on the exam day that you wont find a single dependable pen, a trip to the stationery store is a must !

It’s only when you’re in the loo (two hours before the exam) and have just started downloading that you get these STD and ISD calls from long lost friends!

It’s only when you don’t have the change to buy a bus ticket that even the conductor appears not to have the change.

It’s only when you spit phlegm out through a window of a moving bus that the phlegm manages to land on a bald guy’s forehead. (the rest is history)

A friend, of the female kind (the one mentioned earlier) calls you on your landline (asking about ur exam) only when the whole family is sitting on the couch next to it watching a soap opera, with ears wide open!

During a cricket match (enjoying the post-exam relief time), when your side is batting, it is only when your turn comes to pad up to go bat (invariably at the end, the last wicket more often than not), that the ‘guard’ is not to be found! Too scared to go and face the music without ‘the shield’, but cant keep searching for long, otherwise will be timed out !

(Once you get timed out, u remember that watching a movie is on the agenda) Every movie whose tickets u’ve bought in ‘black’ turns out to be an utter flop ! (Dhoom 2 being the latest, your girl is stunned that you could not manage to buy balcony tickets, doesn’t speak to u throughout the movie!)

The stranger next to u in a public place (the movie hall), invariably knows the vernacular (in this case, Tamil) that you are using to swear at him/her !(the rest, again is history….get kicked out of the theater, ur girl accepts a lift offered by another handsome hunk, u return home with bruises, only to find a huge family gathering, all gleefully waiting for ur arrival)

The porno CD collection that’s been in a safe and secure place for eons, somehow falls out during this family gathering, into the hands of your 8 year old cousins!(the rest again, is history !)

Your cell’s Sim card loses its validity on the very day(the next day) that you are expecting the break-up call from ur girl !

Your battery loses its charge when you’re mid-way through a call, trying to make up the break-up that happened during the last call before your validity had expired :P ( lets hope the rest is not history :P)

29. How emotionally mature are you ?

You Are 55% Grown Up, 45% Kid

You've grown up a good bit, but you still have a way to go before you're emotionally mature. You have the skills to control your emotions, you just have to use them.

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

28. Hair-ism and the human

There’s this perception world-over that every human on the whole (a conglomeration of all the organs/tissues blah blah) is an individual independent entity. But as far as I see it, there are 2 entities which combine to make a human. One of those entities is HAIR and the other is the person himself/herself (minus the hair). Can’t u see what’s happening. They (the hair people) are all over us. Have a look at yourself in the mirror, they’re ALL OVER !! And we cant do anything about it. They decide when they have to change colour (depending on the current fashion trends in their race, some turn pinkish yellow too), where they want to stay on the human surface, when they want to leave the human (especially the head region) for a long sabbatical. There’s no question of having talks with them and coming to a consensus. Every time a hair falls in front of my question paper, every time a dandruff flake gives me that wretched look while dangling on the collar of my shirt, every time I look in the mirror praying that the tragic disappearance of the lushness of my hair doesn’t become a reality……….. It would be so good if I could talk the hair on my head into a bargain, a settlement, sign a treaty with it. Life would be so much easier.

“Treaty to maintain sanctity of hair-zones” (2006) : LoH (Leader of the Hair people) versus AK (Abhay Krishna)

AK : So, what would it take for you to give me a guarantee that you or any of your people wont leave me in the lurch till I cross the age of 30.

LoH : You see, we are very reasonable people who have very reasonable demands. If you can fulfill our requests, we will be happy to sign this treaty.

AK : (What kind of requests can these people have…. they’re so long, thin, fragile, hope they don’t ask me something which I cant offer) I am eager to strike a bargain with you. Some of your people have already left my constituencies without prior information, which is totally un-democratic, but putting these stray incidents aside, we want to arrive at a common consensus. Let me put it in simple words, I will probably be a single guy who’s bachelor status wont be threatened by proposals to get married until I hit 30(hopefully). So, I wanna flirt flirt and flirt as long as I am legally/morally able to. And as we all know, first impressions are ever lasting, and god knows why, the female kind get way too depressed as soon as they see that your people are missing/have deserted a guy’s capital city (the head-quarters :P ). And your people moving out of my capital city (Head-erabad) in search of a better future, is something which I wouldn’t want to see. So lets hear out what your requirements are.

LoH : You see, we are very reasonable people who have very reasonable demands. Here is a tentative list of demands by my people, all very very reasonable indeed.

The List :

• A trip to Paris every year, to get a haircut from Claude Baapkilele, Johhny Depp’s hair-dresser.

• A trip to Sydney, Austrailia in the near future, my people are die-hard Nicole Kidman fans and want to congratulate her on her engagement with Keith Urban.

• A fortnightly visit to Habeeb’s saloon in Banjara Hills, we’ve enquired about the prices, 500 bucks for 15 minutes of massage, which is extremely reasonable.

• Only Almond hair-oil to be used, specifically the brand “Badamstein” manufactured in Germany, coconut oil wont be tolerated. An all-body curfew will start with mass agitiation and boycott the minute a jar of mustard oil or any naturo-therapeutic oil enters within 50 metres radius of our living areas.

• My people were very impressed with Diana Hayden’s advertisement for Lo’oreal, so they want a complete makeover with the complete L’oreal hair kit to be done only by Claude Baapkilele.

• Keeping in mind the welfare of my people who aren’t in the capital, I demand a ban on the use of Odomos or Nycil prickly heat powder as it causes asphyxiation and has led to the demise of many of my comrades.

• Also, it will be a very reasonable request to suggest that my people be cleansed with bottled mineral water at all times, considering that the economy is on the boom and that they need to have a higher standard of living.

AK (who is pretty dumbstruck with all these demands) : All will be done, in due course of time. I bow in front of you oh almighty LoH, will take care of all your needs, just keep your people convinced that my capital is the ‘happening’ city, that their future will be safe and secure over here as their interest will be taken care of.

Starts to think – Now I need to go and discard that “dhuradha pathraadhi thaiyilam”( a smelly oil from the Kerala Ayurveda samajam) which mom had sent by courier. I also need to go in search of a substitute for Nycil, may be Shower-to-Shower will be a good bet. Will ask mom for 3K stating that I need to upgrade my PC and instead buy ‘Badamstein’. Also need to stay away from that Somu Sen guy, he brings Bengali food for lunch which smells all mustardy!

Goes into a brief trip down memory lane

Age: 15 days (mom told me this later)

Mom rubs her hand over my head (all curly hair) and the nurse standing next to her says, “achhu NTR laanti juttu unnadi” – meaning my hair do was similar to that of NTR , one of the then famous telugu film stars.

Age : 10 years

My hindi teacher in school catches hold of my hair and throws me out of the class. I so wished that I was bald, it would have been so good if she’ d had nothing to pull at that moment :(

Age : 12 years

I am made to wear a frock and sport hair clips ( have mentioned this in an earlier post ) for having bushy hair and not getting a hair-cut. God I so wished that these damn hair dint grow so fast and be easier to manage.

Age : 14 years

Spent literally 2 hours on the barber’s chair, the guy was really sweating it out trying to cut my hair down to the popular “Military hair style” which was the fad in those days.

Age : 20 years 250+ days (getting back to the present)

Those were the golden hair days man ! Now, I spend hardly 30 minutes at the barber’s shop, which includes reading Cine Blitz for 20 minutes while waiting for my turn to sit on the hot-seat. The barber is all smiles to have me as his customer, he’s getting money for little or no effort. Using scales and compasses to measure the changing boundaries of the ever-expanding forehead has become a sort of a daily ritual now (sob sob)

26. Quandaries of an exam-giver

If you think I am gonna be talkin about the pre-exam blues which each one of us face, or our futile attempts at guessing the supposed paper pattern/expected questions, nopes, I aint gonna bore your brains with such stuff. There are more pressing matters which for some reasons have always remained unmentioned. This post is an attempt to put forth some of the unusually regular quandaries which an exam-given runs into on the D-day.

‘The diet’ - Very very crucial. Most of us, aware, that eating some junk before the big day can only but ruin the already slim chances of succeeding, end up eating really less, also the safest stuff possible (which in my case is just a can of milk). Well, if you happen to belong to this category, then you would know that the ‘tummy’ begins to growl asking for something more filling right in the middle of the exam. The paper seems a lesser and “easier to conquer” menace when compared to appeasing the demands of the holy “Lord Belly”. And if you are the “exam day-junk food/any food” eating variety, then you must be really lucky for not having had a rough-belly-exam day till now.


‘The Ride’ - God creates a lot of hurdles en-route from home to the exam hall ensuring that we stumble at least at one of them, enabling us to take our minds off the exam for a while, and get tensed about the problem at hand and worry to death as to whether we’ll be able to write the exam at all ! The Bus failure, the fight with the auto-driver who happens to take you through a little more circuitous route than the usual, the forgotten bus-pass, the ‘blessed hall ticket’ which takes off from your pocket and sails through the window while you are busy searching for your bus pass, stumbling on a beggar while running after the hall ticket, (the bloody driver of )the Maruti van which transfers a lot of the mud-puddle’s contents onto your jeans, the next auto-driver who doesn’t have the adequate change/chiller and the policeman outside the exam center who doesn’t believe even a bit of your story !


‘Sweet Lullaby’ – A song by ‘Deep Forest’, which you happened to hear while mugging up some formulae in the morning, manages to linger in your head through all this madness thus far. What’s more, it stays stuck in the head all through the exam, thereby making the event of doing the paper ‘well’ improbable. Not to mention the strands of hair that fall right on the question-paper while you constantly try and pull your head (with both hands) apart trying to throw this song out.


'Oh!.......Pretty woman' – While searching for the bench allocated to your number, you happen to have a glance at this pretty pretty female sitting right in the front row. “Why dont such pretty people even venture anywhere near my college” is the first thought that flashes. Disaster strikes when you go and ask her(with a broad smile) about your bench’s location and she replies in this awfully croaky, loud and anti-flirtatious tone. “Glad that such people never venture anywhere near my college”, is the first thought that flashes.


'Cupid strikes!!! ' - you figure your location, take a look around and see that the seating arrangement is two-in a bench, get seated and pray that the other person doesn’t come for the exam (a full bench to yourself is the ultimate luxury during an exam). Then, you see this mystically beautiful ‘Damsel in Distress’ (DD) rush into the room trying to figure where she has to sit. The whole class have their eyes on her, even the geeky nerds are eyeballing her through their +7 sighted spectacles. Cupid strikes, hits four love arrows in your butt making you numb to all the exam hysteria. “Love at first sight” seems an understatement. “Truly, madly, deeply” may be able to justify the extent of the effect of Cupid’s artillery. And what’s more, she comes and sits right next to you, giving you the ‘hi’ with a smile while all you are doing is staring at her with the jaws wide open.


Memory ‘magic’ :o – From then on, it’s downhill. Serendipity, but at such an awkward time !!!! .Cant help but have a look at the angel every once in a while, a question seems confusing, take a look at her and then get back to it and remain confused, this cycle repeating every couple of minutes. “Deep Forest” doesn’t seem to leave you alone, this attractive femme making matters worse. A question on probability gets you so transfixed that the question itself begins to talk to you, tells you “Go and talk to her, tell her how you feel, exams are here to stay, but this girl will not come back. Decide for yourself, your future is in your hands”. The mind goes all crazy, and efforts to get back to sanity by pulling your hair are frowned upon by DD. You realize the importance of buying two pens/pencils before an exam when she asks “Do you have an extra pencil” and you gladly give her one with a broad grin that would make Bart Simpson proud!


The 'beginning' of the 'end' - The exam time ends, and predictably, you’ve ended on the ‘screwed-up” side of the population. DD seems pretty happy with her performance, gives you a rising smile and starts making conversation. “Wow, this is my chance”, is the first thought that flashes, and you begin talking. The both of you are almost out of the exam center when a hunk on his bike comes out of nowhere and shouts “Kavita…”, to which DD responds with an enthusiastic ‘hiiiiiii!!!!!’. “Kavita, hmmm, sweet name”, is the first thought that flashes. “Hey, have to go, was nice talking to you, here’s my email id, keep in touch” and hands you a small slip. As you see her slowly disappearing from sight, the first thought that flashes – “ was that her boyfriend? Do I have a chance?” . “Then again, such pretty girls are never free, you should be foolish to not realize that dumbo !!!” is the second thought that flashes.


‘The Ride back’ – “Dejection”,one word to sum up the ride back home. What makes the ride worse is if you happen to meet some of your colleagues who have given the same paper and they begin asking “how was your paper dude?” Anyone who has done miserably would not want to talk about the paper, it’s only those who want to boast of their good performance that brag about how easy the paper was making life hell for the other people who would prefer to stay mum and rout internally in their misery.


‘The Sympathy vote’ : Once at home, the moment you declare that your paper dint go well, there’s this barrage of sympathy-oozing comforting statements from all directions, makes you wanna run away to some distant desert and never return again.

If the exam itself wasn’t tough enough, we exam-givers have to go through all these quandaries as well….Oh God, hope you are listening(praying with joined hands)

25. Reporting from Hyderabad, Deepu, For LPTV.

Hi, i am Deepu from Loose Pants Television Network famously known as LPTV. The last one month has been very busy for us at LPTV, for we have been doing extensive research on an outbreak of a deadly viral fever called 'Chickun (or chicken??) Guniya'. (Please go through the link to believe it).Immediately after we came to know of this we sent our special correspondent PSR Chaitanya and a freelancer Abhay krishna to Hyderabad where this fever has seen a rise in the past three weeks. PSR who was making a story on 'We don't have to cry anymore- There's hair transplantation' ,a documentary for people like him who believe in 'The more hair you loose ,the more head you get' has left his dear project to work on this very serious issue 'The outbreak of Chi kun Guniya- What and Why?'. Abhay, a freelancer, who has been busy doing a report on a multi national company called “ORGy”, rushed from ‘Hi-Tech city’ (where he was doin his report) to capture the essence of this “Chicken-mania”. Oh, by the way, “ORGy” is trying to address the problem of weight-gain and “excessive flab” which is escalating in the “software professionals” community. The heads of the company in an interview have said that they are shortly going to release a product called “Sexy-Flex”, a device which any software professional can use to lose the excess flab and weight while he’s watching porn on his PC.

Now lets get down to our subject 'The outbreak of Chi kun Guniya- What and Why?'.

Chicken guniya: Legend has it that the first incidence of this fever was found in 1755AD in a small village near Nasik ,when a sex-starved guy was affected by this kind of fever.The patient suffered from severe joint pains and had high temperature of about ...actually we couldn't find out the exact temperature.But yes, he did suffer from high fever for about a week. (atleast PSR says so). People in the village supposed it happened because the guy indulged in acts of physical intimacy (or bluntly ,sex) with a chicken. People called it 'Chicken Guna' ,guna here meaning 'sin' ,cos they thought it was wrong (They weren't metrosexuals , were they???:P). South indians in the village,ya those two gultis and the mallu girl got the name wrong and started calling it 'chikun guniya'.Slowly 'Chiken guna' became 'chickun guniya'

So nearly two and a half centuries later we are again getting to hear about 'Chikun guniya'. While PSR was doing his reseach at his place in Hyderabad , Abhay was talking to the general people in Hyderabad about the awareness of the disease and so forth.After interviewing about 143 people this is what we had:

The name 'Chicken Guniya' was no more used by the Hyderabadi people, especially in the old city area of the city.Instead people nead Quthbullapur called it 'Chicken Dhuniya' because rumours spread that customers of the biggest chicken centre in that area 'Chicken Dhuniya' were the ones affected by this fever. The poor guy sayeed bhai had to shut his shop down.

Friend:Tera chicken dhuniya kaisa hey bey.
Guniya patient:Kya bataoon yaar. Maa ki kirikiri, bahut dard dera baap.aage, peeche, poora baap.


Supposedly this rumour was spread by a house wife in the same area named supraja* for reasons not known to Sayeed bhai. Sayeed Bhai wanted his revenge ;so did extensive research to find out the motive behind the rumour.He eventually found out the reason and we don't know what he did ,but two days later people ina nd arounf kuthbullapur and saidabad started calling it 'Chicken Dhaniya'. So, what did he do????
Abhay our correspondent dug deep into the matter and figured out that supraja, a self proclaimed international chef was very famous her 'Dhaniya Chicken' Receipe and so set up a small chicken shop beside her house. So who ever bought chicken from her shop and paid 10 bugs extra would get a free receipe of 'Dhaniya chicken'.Now you get the connect, right????

Dhuniya to Dhaniya.So lets go all over the dialouge again.

Friend:Tera chicken dhaniya kaisa hey bey.
Guniya patient: Kya bataoon yaar. Mast hota bolke laya re. 10 rupaiye jyadha li baap."ek kilo do" bole tho, "accha hoga bolke 2 kilo lelo. phir nahi milega" bolke dhi baap. Ab dekh kya hua. Uski tho.....

Abhay’s dad has an attender who too thinks that it’s “Chicken dhaniya”. Here are excerpts from a conversation between him and Abhay’s dad.

Dad: Arey Jowahar, kal nahin aaye kya jee ! dumma kaiku mare??
Jowahar : kya bolon saab, biwi subah uthke boli mere ko “chicken-dhaniya” hai, bachon ko school leke jao aur khana banao. Khana bana bana ke laghta hai mere ko bhi “Chicken dhaniya” ho gaya, pura joint-joint dard kar ra !!!!


With pandemonium reigning supreme in Kuthbullapur and Saidabad, Abhay spoke to people from the ‘old city’, the most literate part of Hyderabad (pun intended), who are not ready to accept that a chicken can do any “guna” (sin). They strongly believe that the chicken was made by the Almighty to serve as food to mankind, not to commit sins like adultery (that too with members of another species).They won't accept any name starting with chicken and ending with anything else other than biryani.They will call it 'Chicken Biryani' no matter what. PSR came across a guy who said; "Dhuniya kuch bhi bolne dho, hum tho chicken Biryani hi bolenge.Duniya main chicken ka ek hi ho sakta hain.Chicken Biryani"


Youngsters from the more "hippy" parts of the city (read Yo Yo guys)have been calling it “Chick hi duniya”. Apparently, these guys got sick as soon as they got a wink from a hot chick and started screaming “This chick is my world”. Looking at the actual causes of the disease, they may be totally off target, but this excuse has worked miracles in front of their parents who have readily agreed to give ‘em all the money they want to pursue their “chick” so as to get cured. Silly, isn’t it !

Friend:Hey dood! how'z your chick hi somethin??
Guniya patient: Yo yo man!! It hurts in the arse maaan.Yo!

Calling it “Chicken Dhun-iya”, there have also been reports of people contracting this disease by receiving phone calls on GSM mobile phones; they seem to have heard a “cock-a-doodle-doo” tune from the other side, but these reports are yet to be confirmed. All Reliance users have been cautioned to not download any ringtones with the words “Chick” or “Dhun” in them , for the fear of getting this dreaded disease.


While their research almost came to an end, PSR found a good deal when a doctor offered him an Hair Transplant for Rs 6 a follicle instead of the usual RS 26 per follicle in Ahmedabad. So, he left his research midway for his surgery.Meanwhile Abhay is back to Hi-tech city unraveling the mysteries of "Sexy -Flex.".They also
had an important warning for all the readers here. People who fail to comment in their blogs from now on will contract Chickun Biryani err Dhuniya err Dhaniya err ya, Guniya.Now, dont ask me wat's in the name.So, people go flood in the comments while i Deepu will take your leave.





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Authored (mostly) by Abhay and (a little) by PSR. Visit PSR's blog.
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24. May-be or may-be not

May-be or may-be not,
do all of us think a lot ?

There are people we think of,
whom we like and cant seem to get our mind off.
Oh why is it so hard ?
Can an angel come down and answer this question.

May-be or may-be not,
do all of us think a lot ?

It’s the same image that hovers,
Wherever, be it the mall, the disco or the couch.
This one question which never disappears
“Do they ever think of us, as much?”

May-be or may-be not,
do all of us think a lot ?

Looking for endless ways to please them,
Searching for as many excuses
to get a chance to do something for them,
Always wanting to be there for them.

May-be or may-be not,
do all of us think a lot ?

Then again, there are people we think of,
who like us and there’s a need to reciprocate.
There’s a need to be sane all the time,
Walking on thin ice is’nt everyone’s forte!

Doing everything in one’s power to make ends meet,
To bridge the gaps, to learn to give and take.
To steer this ship we call our mind,
away from troubled waters and keeping it near sanity.

I never thought it’d be like this,
I never thought it’d be so hard,
I never thought if i would do things better
If I was given another chance!

Is it just that I think a lot?
Naah! We all do, don’t we? :)

23. Transvestites on exhibition

LISTEN U GOT TAGGED !

This is the first time that I’ve got tagged, lets see how I fare at this Tag-xamination ;) So, as Janani (my tagger) would say, lets get down to business..... This TAG is gonna be all about the MOST embarrassing moment/s in ur life.... so here we go....

Well, it’s quite tough to choose just one u know, coz there are so many worthy contenders for this prestigious accolade. But at the end of the day, there can only be one winner. So, here’s my winner tale.

Title : Transvestites on exhibition

Venue : St.Joseph’s High School
Day of the week : Thursday
Day Temperature – 30 degrees C
Forecast – Sunny

Rewind – 9 years back, when being in Class 6 was a matter of pride. The reason, because among all the Classrooms only the Class 6 ones had a separate balcony for themselves, each section had it’s own balcony (this was possible because there used to be one Class 6 Section on each one of the floors of the high school building). Oh, we had our own space, the breeze blew right into the classroom and we always had that much extra time to cover our tracks of mischief whenever the princi made his rounds coz ours used to be the last room in the corridor. Wondering why the excruciating detail on the location of my classroom, you’ll soon see why.

Well, Thursday is the one day of the week when we students are supposed to wear whites. Thursday is also the day when our class Leader or Prefect( a stern female, Miss S ) checks the whiteness of our shoes and chucks us outside the class right at the beginning of the day. Our class teacher (Madam C), an eccentric female, was quite famous to give ingenious punishments to students. Well little did I know that I would be on her hit-list today. On our return from the assembly back to the classroom, S stands at the front door, and doesn’t allow me to enter the class coz of unpolished shoes. I don’t mind, coz I’ve got quite a few others as company, and am quite sure that Madam C would let us all off because we were like 20 guys standing outside. She enters the corridor, sees the 20 of us, and looks at us keenly, as though we are some Mongolian tribals who have accidentally stumbled onto a Catholic missionary school.

Then S comes and whispers something in Madam’s ears and then she shouts “Today’s hair checking day as well”. I am like “Oh Shit ! I haven't even combed my hair today. Haven't cut my hair for 2 months now. Should have atleast oiled my hair.Bloody, keep sitting and watching that stupid WWF all morning and forget polishing and combing, now pay the price, Idiot !”

I somehow keep praying that she passes by me without noticing, but then, all wishes don’t come true you see. She halts, catches me by the hair and says “Abhay, what do you do with all the money that you save by not going to the barber?” I want to say “ Have spent all of it on bets in our gully cricket matches” , but end up giving her the stupid innocent bent-head smile. She takes me and a friend Arvind to the side and yells at the others - “Remove all your shoes and socks and leave them in the balcony, you’ll spend the whole day walking bare-foot”. Looks at the both of us and says, “The same applies to you two as well”. So we do as directed and remain standing in the corridor while the others rush into the classroom before Madam thinks of a harsher punishment. So this leaves the two of us at her mercy. She calls the Leader and yells “Oh S***a , get me the two frocks that I have kept in the bottom shelf of the cupboard”. Arvind and I look at each other, stare blankly at Madam C after hearing this. “Holy cow, she’s really gonna make us wear frocks !!!!”

Arvind and I try to reason it out with Madam C but she isn’t ready to listen to anything we gotto say. Says “You boys should be taught a lesson. You should look like students , not hooligans. You have to wear these frocks all day” . “yeah right ! like having a little extra hair was the one and only qualification to look like a hooligan…..Agreed that we students needed to be taught a lesson, but why just make the both of us the ‘bakras’, this is so unfair :(( ” S goes to the cupboard, does some searching and returns with a couple of cute looking frocks. One of ‘em a maroon one with grey stripes, the other being a fluorescent yellow one patched with marigolds and sunflowers all over. But they looked so small from a distance, I began to wonder whether I would fit in them? “Worst case, if I have to wear a frock, I’ll jump and take the maroon one, coz wearing a dazzling flowery frock all day will make the top headlines for the next few years to come.”


To be honest, I wasn’t in the best shape back then, with nick names like “motu-seth”, “gol-matol”, “laddoo” , you can get a rough idea , cant you ;) Madam C gives me the frocks to choose from, I grab the maroon one and try wearing it on. All this while, the other students of the class are peeping outside the window and watching us getting humiliated. “Please let this be a dream , let this be a dream, I cant bear this humiliation”. Turns out that the maroon one is too tight, I barely squeeze myself into it, while Arvind looked kinda cute sporting the yellow frock :) Then we are made to enter the class, bare-foot, wearing frocks and hair-clips on our head. Hear huge laughter from all directions……boy that was so so embarrassing. But this was just the beginning. My friends start to ask me out - “You are a pretty girl in a frock, will you go on a date with me ?” and then there are the other dim-wits who come up with lines like “ Mast lag raha hai mama….Anna, yellow frock main chamakra …….hair pins mast fit hai”.

Every teacher who walked in that day mocked at us, one of ‘em told “Who are these two new admission girls in my class, can you introduce yourselves? hahahaha” I had this overwhelming urge to jump off the top of the building that very instant, wanted to get out of school and rush to the barber to get my head clean shaven, may be a Michael Jordan look or a Mohican style ala David Beckham. Arvind was feeling even worse, his frock got him more attention, while I was struggling for survival in mine. “Arey, this frock is too tight, my whole figure is getting revealed, as it is I am no hunk to look at…..Damn, it’s suffocating!”


And to complicate matters, it started raining. It poured like anything for about one hour, enough time to soak up all the shoes out in the balcony. My wretched luck, am in a bloody frock and now my shoes are soaked, can it get worse. Yes, it did get worse. By lunch time, I had had enough of it, so me and Arvind decide and start to remove the frocks when Madam C makes a surprise entry, catches us red-handed. She makes us swap the frocks, so now, I am the one in the fluorescent yellow marigold-y frock. At least it fit better, poor Arvind had to struggle with the maroon one now. With five minutes for the lunch break to end, people from all classes start to rush towards our room, apparently news had spread far and wide that the notorious (I was quite famously notorious) Abhay Krishna was wearing a Yellow frock. So, now me and Arvind are these ‘transvestites on exhibition’ and students ranging from kinder garden to class 10 come to pay us a visit. Man, we couldn’t even eat our lunches that day. And our wet shoes dint make matters any better…It was one of the most embarrassing days of my life, an integration of many “Most embarrassing moments”.

Ps:
To this day I am remembered as the guy who wore a frock for not having a haircut, it’s a legend in my school. The story goes “Once upon a time, there was a boy who dint care for a haircut……………”

Time for tagging – I tag the following people

PSR

Pavan

Puneet

Mohan

Satish

June

22. Priceless

A Time Sheet ( a spoof on the MasterCard ad as well :D )

Discussing and designing the project : 20 hours

Working on the project in a team of 10 : 100 hours

Getting screwed by the profs while presenting the project : 1 hour

Cursing those bastards for asking stooopid and irrelevant questions : till the weekend

The fun and fights we had working together ( getting fucked too ) – PRICELESS :D

----------------- x ---------------------- x-------------------------

There are some ways in which it screwed us, but for all the fun we hav had, I love my college .

21. An ode to School days - 1

“School days were so much fun, I wish I could go back in time” – how many times have I heard this, from the people around me and myself as well. ‘School time’ memories do have some kinda zing, some magic associated with ‘em.

It was so easy to top the class back in school. Hardly any of us gave a damn about studies in the first place, school was meant for masti, total fundoo innocent fun. Exam time, just mug up some stuff on the last day and voila, end up getting first. Things were so simple back then, I agree that there was a certain sense of competition among a few of us to get the first rank, but even if one didn’t, it was no big deal, life just went on, there was always the next test to try for the first place. There was just this one guy whose mom and dad would refuse to come collect his grade sheet if he ever got a second or third rank.


Over here in college, amidst hungry ‘text book knowledge-mongers’, I find myself at the lower end of the pack. Have no qualms about it anyway, have been bindaas about grades all my life, that aint gonna change no matter what. But the point is, with people who have just ‘text books’ and class notes for all three meals of the day, writing the same exams as you are and relative grading being employed, is there any chance of not getting ‘screwed’ !!

Back in school, I was the only guy in the top 5 who used to share all the home work assignments with others, the others dint because they had a valid reason not to. The punishment for sharing a HomeWork used to be quite severe, but I liked playing risky, the usual me ;) . Not that I never got caught, there was this one time, when I had done mistakes in my Math HW , which showed in almost half the class’s notebooks because all of ‘em had copied my stuff. The prof was distributing the books back to the students, but just about half the students got back their books. Then he announced “Those who haven’t got their books will get it tomorrow, I haven’t given them today because the cane stick I had ordered for these people hasn’t arrived as yet.”. Turned out, he had spotted the mistakes in all the books! Looking at me, he said “Now tell me who showed his book to others.” Don’t know why but I got up on my own, can never forget the thrashing that I got that day, but that didn’t stop me from sharing my home works in future. Only thing being that I spent more time doing my homework correctly, so that I never would get caught :P


Over here, it is I who is the copier, there hasn’t been a single assignment which I can say I have done totally on my own. The irony is, I haven’t been caught here till date, TouchWood!

It was so easy to get girls to notice you. The whole class could be called a microcosm in its own right, with girls’ interests the ranging from being Harry Potter fans to Bharatnatyam professionals to Missionary helpers(really respected these girls for their commitment to social work). As for the guys, it was cricket, all kinds of gully sports, junk food, video games, home food………… All one had to do was, just be good at whatever he was, he was sure to get noticed, by the right people more importantly. I used to give my own labellings to all the drawings in my text books, for instance, each organ of a cow’s body was labeled as one of the characters of ‘The Simpsons’. Mahatma Gandhi always had a lush blue wig filled with curly hair, one black eye like a pirate, with a parrot on his shoulder while Adolf Hitler had to be content with a shaved look, a G-string and a feeding bottle in his mouth. Somehow, this did strike a funny chord or two with the girls, and they promptly let me know of it too !

Now if I do something similar in college, I’ll probably get myself a ‘label’ as ‘WEIRDO’ I guess…… As it is, there are hardly any Venusians here(literally, the number is so so less) and even among them, there is hardly any femme who’d get out of her world of “books” and notice, leave alone appreciate. Moving from school to college was like moving from the lush gardens of France to the Kalahari desert in Africa. The draught, the dearth is so so acute, believe me !

I realized one post is too small for this, there’s more to come…..To be contd in the next post……

20. Brokeback Diaries

Here's stuff that happens to you when you are broke.

1.Whenever you meet anyone you know , you’ll visualize them as a big bunch of green dollar bills ( you think of dollars and not rupees coz it somehow sounds cooler – the U.S effect )

2.You become an ‘expert Scanner’, swim through all your draws for the oh-so valuable ‘chiller’ that’s left in ‘em.

3.Hair needs a wash, shampoo needed big time. So, gather all the chiller you can possibly see, go to the store only to find that you have fallen short by just one rupee, your favorite brand seems so out of reach now. Can actually see it waving you good bye from the shelves. Settle for a third rate brand which has the picture of a girl with slices of lemon and mint on her head, MAN !!! The worst part is when you open it and it starts smelling like Mango!

4.So wish the talk-time on your cell could be converted back to cash.(Wondering how the money for a phone recharge - that’s another BIG story all together)

5.Every meal of the day requires pre-planning, search for a Source or Scan for chiller :(

6.Start praying that you win one of those online lotteries, wanna try your hand at double-struck, but even that guy wont accept ‘chiller’ :P

7.Start using detergent sparingly ( ditto of Kamal Hassan in ‘Pushpak’ – soap water only for the underarm sections of the shirt )

8.Your debts with the newspaper guy reach new heights. So much so that he wants you to work under him now, throwing newspapers @ 6 AM daily.

9.Your gal wants to meet you tomorrow, is expecting a treat from you and here you are all broke, sitting on and watching a pirated CD of ‘Broke back Mountain’.

Luck seems to have deserted some of us, it’s like Ganguly’s sweet timing, existed once upon a time, is’nt visible anymore.

19. PERFECT !!!

I’m all bubbly, filled with excitement; it’s my first train journey. Get into the wagon merrily with my buddies, we settle in a cool deck close to the “pantry car”. The train begins and we’re giving high-five’s and thumbs up’s to each other (literally :P) all in a jocund mood, no one except me notices a queer looking pantry staff man spying on us from a distance. He gets a stiff stare from me, nevertheless continues to look intently at us as if his life depended on it. I get back to having fun singing and dancing ignoring that fella. After sometime, I see that guy talking to someone. WAIT a minute, I know the guy he’s talking to, that’s Donnie there! I had seen him once in the supermarket, a friend of mine who was right next to me then had told me that Donnie was a funny guy and his blogs were quite good. What is Donnie doing talking to this fellow? I see Donnie giving the guy some money, something’s wrong here. The both of them come charging towards our group. In an attempt to begin a conversation, I say “Hi Donnie!”.

He doesn’t respond, on the contrary, grabs hold of my neck, pulls me out of the huddle and yells “PERFECT!!!”.

He drags me all along the pantry car holding my neck ever so tightly all along. Why is he doing this to me? I try to break free but he’s too powerful. I want to scream but I am all choked up, no words coming out of my mouth. Why isn’t anyone helping me? Can’t they hear my cries?

After we reach the end of the wagon, he relaxes his hold on my neck. I open my mouth to shout at him when, with a sudden jolt I feel drained. Begin feeling weak, am in a daze. Hear Donnie saying - “Life’s a bitch! Why can’t I get her out of my head? I want to move on but that’ll never happen! Why, because I am screwed, that’s why. Why can’t she like me like I like her?”

Saying all this to himself, he looks at me, and before I know it, I feel even more drained. Have no strength left to speak. What’s he doing to me? Never felt so weak and weightless all my life! Donnie grabs my neck tightly, screams “Fuck YOU !!” and pushes me off the train! Here I lie, wounded in the bushes along side the track.

Who am I ? I am your regular MIRINDA 500 ml Pet jar :)

18. Rape me ?

One of the very many senseless discussions among hostel-ites.

Me : Heard the song "Rape Me" by Nirvana.

Phani : Nopes

Me : Rape me....Rape me my friend...Rape me...Rape me again.........

Phani : wats the deal with rape and drape?

Me : Drape ????

Phani : Dint u sing - Rape me...Drape me my friend ....

Me : No, how weird is that. Ask your friend to rape and then drape you as well.

Phani : Yeah right, as if just asking your friend to rape you is totally normal.

Me : I never said that.

Phani : Go suck a lemon

Phani : Rape me again....who'd want to get raped again baap?

Me : Arent we getting raped. Each semster, a whole new set of professors, but the same old gang-rape.

Phani : Seriously baap, i am getting tired of all this.

Me : They should put up a sign outside colleges during counselling sessions : "Beware! Rape inevitable ! Be PREPARED !!! "

Phani : No wonder, why all of us have plans to be re-incarnated Phoolan Devi's and Deva's once we pass out.

16. Veteran Blogger

Was just wondering, how does one become a veteran blogger? What does it take to earn this prestigious title? ;) The other day, a friend of mine commented on my comment on a supposedly ‘veteran’ blogger. Does it have to do with the length of the time span for which one has been posting? Does it have to do with the number of posts one makes. Or does it have to do with the quality of the posts a chap/chapess (LOLZ , coined this just now) writes ? Or is it something unanimously agreed on, a dogmatic reality ?
The word veteran generally refers to the length of the posting time span, related to ‘experience’, but it doesn’t somehow fit in with blogging. Who is experienced and who isn’t ? how does one make this difference ?

15. Result : FAILED !!!!

Here ‘s the deal. The girl you like, so much so that you spent sleepless nights over preparing lines to say to her whenever you meet her the next time. No, these lines are not the special proposal lines or the cuddly wuddly flirty lines, but the absolutely normal non-reasoning-conversation-builder lines, because you stutter and your mind goes blank when you see her. Writing stuff down and memorizing them, just so that when you meet her next, you make the conversation worthwhile, because you hardly get to meet her c/o your hectic schedule. Never did you prepare so much even for the toughest of your examinations, you may never have encountered exam fear, but this is nothing like that. The “damsel in front - inability to yap” syndrome is not so uncommon, but the way you handle it is like the most peculiar way in which it will ever be handled :P . You like her beyond reason, want to see her smile, want her to give you some attention and all the exam preparation is in view of passing this “All Clear Test”. The test is called so, because if you pass the test, you are given the “all clear” signal to fly in the skies of infinite bliss and happiness, unaware of anything else going on with the world.

But this test is far more complicated than you think it is. Any exam will have a certain timing, a fixed paper pattern, previous year’s papers (they are a BIG help ;) ) but here, there’s no clue as to when the test will start, you can call it a POP-test, coz the ‘femme fatale’ can POP up right in front of you at any moment. Forget about the fixed paper pattern, as for the previous year’s papers, haven’t found others who have written this test before (earnestly hope someone who reads this actually has taken it , plzzzzzz ).

So, you sleep at day break, wake up at sunset , have a headache coz of the irregular and excess sleep, rush to the mess to get some coffee to clear all the clogs in the head. You pay for the coffee at the counter, take the cup of hot brew-aroma spewing Nescafe and turn around to see HER. She’s right in front, so close in fact that you start shivering. A sip from the Styrofoam cup would have helped to calm the nerves a little, but she gives you no time.

She : What do I do to get my passport made? I want to write GRE in September, what all should I do to get my passport made?

You : uhhh…..hmmmm…..a passport ? hmmmm….uhhhh

She : jaldi bathao naaa…..

You keep scratching your head, trying to search for answers which don’t seem to come out, coz no part of the brain is working. You try to think of the various memorized lines and see whether any one fits the bill in this situation, but you get bowled. There’s no solution.

And then you blurt out – India ke bahaar jaana khai kya ?

She : Obviously, what an answer. Now tell me will you help me in getting my PP made?

You : I …..I…..I……don’t know anything about it…….ummmmm, I….I….may not be of much help……..u know……….

In the meantime, a friend of yours and hers comes by, he’s the guy with all the answers always. She catches hold of him and tells him about the PP issue.

The Friend : I am getting late to a meeting, but if you are ready to walk along with me uptil there, I can tell you the whole thingy in a precise and concise fashion. (What a loser, who talks like this.You are bloody angry with him, but as usual, stay silent)

She : Chalo, I have no other work anyway, will walk along with you. ‘Choooo chweet’ of you to help me. come lets go, you’ll get late otherwise. ( Damn, you hate it so much when someone else gets that kinda mushy praise, so wish it were you who'd be gettin that)

You : ummm…..uhhh………bye……… (did she even hear this ? )

And there you are, all cold, be it the coffee, or the mind, all gone numb. There she goes away again, leaving you pondering over what is it that should happen to make things work…..as usual, nothing comes to mind, you order another coffee and say “Life goes on”…………..

Hal ticket Number - IC – 302
POP-test no : 1038
Result : FAILED – This student should be put under probation and a special award has to be given to him because his outstanding score has been recorded in the “All time lowest scorers Hall of Fame”.

13. Heart shaped Wonders

Love is in the air kathey! Hmmm, yeah it really is. Me and Phani, wanted a change and went to the bakery for dinner (they've got chaat too, yummy) and saw the highlight ITEM there. Heart-shaped mini cakes, ek dum mast looking, too tempting to resist, just big enough for two ppl, serving the couples (can call them couple cakes too actually). They were so tempting , i just wanted to have them, ditto with phani. We reach the counter, look at the cakes(the big heart had little cherry colored hearts on it, looked so tasty) look at each others faces , step back from the counter and stare at the cake from a distance.

Me - Shall we buy it?

Phani - what?? no way dude

Me - arey it's lookin too tasty bey (i know i may sound crazy , but a mere look at food makes it tasty for me :) )

Phani - It's only for couples bey, we are outcastes in this bakery,we are only supposed to stare at such beauties (the cakes and otherwise too :P).

Me - yeah, as the guy in Hyderabad Blues says "You can see, but you cannot touch :)"

Phani - bloody, see that guy with the cute girl, ya the fat guy , with the spectacles whoz totally gettin bald..........how in the world do they get gals baap, tell me, aint i smarter than him

Me - why even compare, if you're John Travolta, then he is Johnny lever ....hahahaha

Phani - but then, how does this happen, every 14th we end up talking with abt the same ppl, the same stuff, over and over? Isnt there an answer? am I ever gonna get a girl :(

Me - arey i want to buy that cake, i want to eat it right away.

Phani - you mad or what, the shopkeeper will think we're GB's (gay bastards...this is strictly copyrighted college lingo :P )

Me - let the shopkeeper think anything he wants, hunger comes before gender , i'd rather look gay and live than look straight and die of hunger.

Phani - OOk, do watever pleases you, i too dont mind sharing it with you, lets eat with the same spoon too, attract attention , what say? ;)

Me - You are hopelessly single, only such a mind in need can churn out ideas like these :P Chal, lets pack the cake, eat it in the gully outside, in the dark alley behind the bushes ...hahahaha

Phani - You sick fuck, buy the damn thing and lets leave.

Me - Fuck you Bitch, I'll go and get it...my tummy is callin for the cake "Oh meri munni cake, main aa gaya, tere liye bahaar leekar " :)


ps: All outcastes on valentine's should have a special bakery to go to, where there'll be half-hearted cakes (both in shape and effort). may be some outcastes (of the opposite sex, not stressin on it though :P) may get to talk to each other back into the game from such novel joints ...wat say... i am sayin this bcoz ppl like me 'n phani need these novel joints, coz anything happenin for real without a miracle seems to be unimaginable :(

12. The Missy behind

Chris, the hunk on his way to the dungeon people call a lecture hall, realizes he's late. Enters in through the back door,sits on a squeaky bench which attracts undue attention."Why me, why do i always get the squeaky ones?" , he wonders. As usual, he isn’t able to make head or tail of the lecture, seems LOST. He tries to stay awake with all the strength left in him.Looks at his watch, scratches his head, gives his neck some workout, stretches his legs, sends his friend an SMS and looks at his watch again only to find that one ONE single minute has passed since the last time he’d seen it. The professor seems to go on and on endlessly, Chris is clinging on to dear life, trying to stay awake and come through this ordeal Alive!

Then suddenly he gets a reason to stay awake - A girl sitting just behind him, in the next row, coughs. He’s got a mission now, to find out “Who’s that girl ?”. Thinks for while, cant turn right back as it would make him look silly, so realizes that he needs to accomplish the task with the limited neck-rotation range. Time’s not a problem, it never is when you are in a lecture hall, coz the clock just stops ticking :) Now starts to think of ways, gets very weird ideas. Takes his left wrist (he sports a watch on his left hand) close to his face and starts tilting it in such a way that the reflection of the glass frame zeroes in on her. But does take care that he doesn’t make his viewing efforts obvious to the girl behind. The watch rotation strategy works, but only partially, the IMAGE is’nt clear, it’s all blurry. All he could make out of it was that it was a fair female with long hair….."hmmm, that reduces the list of suspects ;)" he thinks, that’s coz many of the gals in his class are of the bob cut/mushroom cut variety.

Ponders for a while , hears her cough again, so is even more eager to solve the mystery, listens to the prof for a while (courtesy sake) as he is still on the lookout for a way. Sees the guy in front has a pair of sunglasses (the reflective kind) in his bag. Do anything to stay awake and not listen to the lecture ,that was his motto. He takes the glasses out, and thinks “aah, this will do the trick, these shades will gimme a picture of the princess sitting behind…”. So engrossed is he in his musings that he doesn’t notice the professor standing next to him all this while.

Prof : GET UP !!

(Chris does slowly , with the squeaking chair making his rise even more dramatic :P)

Prof: What are you trying to do?

Chris thinks “Should I tell him? He’ll commit suicide if he knows the scant attention I am paying to his lecture, being busy on a girl quest instead, I’ll remain silent”.

Prof : Please leave the class.

Chris bends to take his books, then turns around to leave from the back door. Manages to steal a glance at the female behind, whom he was trying to figure out for all this while. Turns out that it was Reggie….Oh so beautiful Reggie! He had a liking from the time he had joined college. Gets a big smile from her and walks out like a victorious warrior :) “Mission accomplished and done with the lecture too!” he muses as he walks out. What made it still magical was the killer smile she gave passes at him in the end. Begins to wonder “ May be she did notice all my efforts, may be she does want me to notice her…Naah! Be the pessimist you are, just stay away, you cant take girls! …. But that one smile has made my day”.

Footnote :
Remembered this SMS that I got off late.

Barkha Dutt(the NDTV interviewer) ask some boys,

Q. What do you guys do to get a girl’s attention?
Ans: We have to ride bikes, learn to play the guitar and drums, get our hair streaked, get muscular going to gyms, follow them like dogs….Damn , the list is too long, and embarrassing too :P.

She asks a group of girls ,
Q; What do you girls do to get a guy’s attention?
Ans: Just smile once and he’s all yours :)