48. The tale of a troubled phone 'callee'

What is the one important tangible thing that makes you happy after it rings or vibrates the way you want it to? Yes, I am talking about the cell-phone, also called the mobile. A smile springs up on your face the moment you get a call from a loved one. A funny sms cracks us up. We tend to re-read these msgs when we're down. We call the ppl we care for. We switch on to our favourite radio station when we're on our way to office.

We take pictures and videos, mostly non-scandalous ones, to capture moments and create memories. We're very proud when we show to others that our mobile has a certain GPRS or PQRS or Blue-tooth or Red-dick super-duper mumbo-jumbo technology. We take it to heart when someone says that our mobile model isnt worth its money, that there are better sleeker models. In essence, we all love our mobiles. They keep us connected with our world and we do agree that they are an inseparable part of our bodies err... lives.

However, there's a problem. Since the mobile is always with you, its a sort of a tracking device, a sensor embedded in your lower pant pocket. We can live with this if only the ppl who care for you, call you, as they are concerned about your whereabouts. But it is when the boss calls you up at midnight or your team mate calls you during a suspense movie to show up at work or a pest who thinks you're his only friend calls during lunch hour that you go mad. Then there are the choosaks(read : suckers. ppl who call only when the want something from you) whom you cant avoid no matter what. You want be left alone with yourself without any one bothering you for long, but that never happens.This is precisely why doctors in the US use beepers instead of phones. Coz its one-way. You need'nt reply. You can reply when u want to. You can reply if the message merits a reply.However, these ppl are still bearable.

What pisses you off even more is when you get calls from banks,credit card and insurance companies,lotteries, hallo ween costume sellers and Dawood Ibrahim(oops). These are ppl who have never seen you, will never ever want to see you, but want the money that you have.(As I write this, my manager at work just got a call from an insurance company....lolz). And not so surprisingly, all these callers are women, women who have tried their level best to cover up their butler-english with some better english. And my god they speak so fast. I dont blame them. I blame the ppl who have stolen our numbers, stolen our right to solitude from us. When you begin to earn 10 bucks, there are 200 ppl who want you to invest/spend your 10 bucks on them. Here are a few sad conversations I've had in the recent past.

Conversation 1 :
She(at light speed) : gud evening sir. I am talking from Nitwit Bank. We are offering you personal loans sir. Its got a very small premium...blah blab blah....
Me : stop stop. I am not interested. Thank you.

Conversation 2:
Another 'She'(again at light speed) - gud evening sir. I am talking from H-SHIT. We want you to know about our credit card. We will come to your door step and give it. It is free of cost. You can get discounts on purchasing pencils from any stationary store in the world. Would you want to take our credit card?
Me : No.
She : Why sir ?
I hang up. Now they even want to know why we dont want to take their credit cards !!

Conversation 3:
Yet another 'She' (at normal speed) : Sir, can i have 5 minutes of your time.
Me : No.(And i hang up)

Conversation 4:
He(surprising) : Gud morning sir. You have been chosen from a lucky draw to be a recipient of our offer. A free trip to Bangkok and Thailand for 2, provided you buy 10 vaccum cleaners from us.
Me : (start sobbing) Why me ? This early in the morning, why only me ?

Conversation 5:
She : Sir you are working for Mindtree right?
Me : Yes.
She : And you have experience in .NET right ?
Me : You're creeping me out. How did you know that ?
She : We are a job-finding company and want to let you know that there are openings in 3 companies which sit your profile.
Me : Can you call me like this ? How did you get my number ?
She : I know which project you are working for. How satisfied are you with your job ? Do you want a shift ?
Me : Hmmmmm....I dont know.
She : Take my number. Give me a call when you are sure enuf about leaving your job. (And she hung up)

I was dazed and confused.

Conversation 6 :
He (surprising again) : Hi Abhay. I am your senior from college. Want you to know that we have started a business and would want you to join it. Come to Koramangala this weekend, we'll give you a presentation about our product.
Me : Ok. What would i have to do in the business?
He : For starters, invest 30,000 bucks and buy our product. And then market it.
Me : err....I'll get back to you later.

Turned out, he's another one of those Am-way suppliers and wanted me to join the bandwagon. I showed him the thumbs down and he never called. Have been troubled by Amway and GoldQuest irritants till now, and have had enough of this in your face product advertising for life.

Sometimes, I feel i should've been living in the 50's or 60's, way before this traumatizing cellphone revolution took our country by storm.Now, Vodafone charges a call-block service for Rs.90/month whereas it should be doing that for free. Coz I feel its a part of the service that they are offering. We have the right to speak to whoever we want to. Not with every other jerk/jerkess in town. And if this wasnt bugging enough, talk about the spam SMS messages that we get. Numerous. Infinitely countable. Infinitely irritating.

Message 1:
Dear Customer, If you pay your phone bill within the next 10 days, you will be a part of a lucky draw with prizes worth lakhs of rupees (to be eventually distributed among crores of subscribers.)

Message 2:
If you are calling someone and like their caller-tune, just press * and it gets set as your tune. How easy!!! @ Rs.45/ song (Yea right. How easy it is to rip ppl off!! You press the * by accident and oops, 45 bucks down the drain.)

Message 3:
Participate in this breath-taking, exciting, shit-farting contest, send us an sms and get a chance to win free IPL tickets to see the unchargable Deccan chargers lose again. Rs.9/sms

Message 4:
Interested in cars? Listen to all the popular car sounds right here. Dial 51555 and listen to your favurite car ignition sounds @ Rs.6/minute.

Message 5:
Get tips on how to make your love life interesting with Romance alerts. Dial *123*85# to activate @ Rs.30/minute and bring out the romantic side in you.

Message 6:
Struggling hard to impress a girl and understand her ? Get tips from girls on what they like and what not.SMS GIRL to 51515. Rs.3/sms.

And if that is not bad enough, I get the same sms(the last one) twice on the same day. I mean, I know that I cant impress girls coz that's me, cant change that trait no matter what. But is it necessary for these numb-nuts to remind me of that once in every 12 hours !In this country, where there is no dearth of 'single-and-ready-to-mingle despos', i'd prefer if these idiots wouldnt make attempts to get me added to that list.

Such messages are precisely the reason I gave the idea of developing a message(sms or mms or wateva) blocker. People laughed at me when i gave this idea for my summer intern(4 years back) at Reliance, DAKC, Mumbai. Ppl said that messages are costly and that no one would waste their money by spamming to your cell-phone. Now have a look. So much c-spam(cell phone spam) around. Right from unwanted information about matrimonials to car-ignition sounds to condom-hurling coconut trees, we get all kinds of crappy messages. In hindsight, an idea could have saved so much hardship for so many of us.