15. Result : FAILED !!!!

Here ‘s the deal. The girl you like, so much so that you spent sleepless nights over preparing lines to say to her whenever you meet her the next time. No, these lines are not the special proposal lines or the cuddly wuddly flirty lines, but the absolutely normal non-reasoning-conversation-builder lines, because you stutter and your mind goes blank when you see her. Writing stuff down and memorizing them, just so that when you meet her next, you make the conversation worthwhile, because you hardly get to meet her c/o your hectic schedule. Never did you prepare so much even for the toughest of your examinations, you may never have encountered exam fear, but this is nothing like that. The “damsel in front - inability to yap” syndrome is not so uncommon, but the way you handle it is like the most peculiar way in which it will ever be handled :P . You like her beyond reason, want to see her smile, want her to give you some attention and all the exam preparation is in view of passing this “All Clear Test”. The test is called so, because if you pass the test, you are given the “all clear” signal to fly in the skies of infinite bliss and happiness, unaware of anything else going on with the world.

But this test is far more complicated than you think it is. Any exam will have a certain timing, a fixed paper pattern, previous year’s papers (they are a BIG help ;) ) but here, there’s no clue as to when the test will start, you can call it a POP-test, coz the ‘femme fatale’ can POP up right in front of you at any moment. Forget about the fixed paper pattern, as for the previous year’s papers, haven’t found others who have written this test before (earnestly hope someone who reads this actually has taken it , plzzzzzz ).

So, you sleep at day break, wake up at sunset , have a headache coz of the irregular and excess sleep, rush to the mess to get some coffee to clear all the clogs in the head. You pay for the coffee at the counter, take the cup of hot brew-aroma spewing Nescafe and turn around to see HER. She’s right in front, so close in fact that you start shivering. A sip from the Styrofoam cup would have helped to calm the nerves a little, but she gives you no time.

She : What do I do to get my passport made? I want to write GRE in September, what all should I do to get my passport made?

You : uhhh…..hmmmm…..a passport ? hmmmm….uhhhh

She : jaldi bathao naaa…..

You keep scratching your head, trying to search for answers which don’t seem to come out, coz no part of the brain is working. You try to think of the various memorized lines and see whether any one fits the bill in this situation, but you get bowled. There’s no solution.

And then you blurt out – India ke bahaar jaana khai kya ?

She : Obviously, what an answer. Now tell me will you help me in getting my PP made?

You : I …..I…..I……don’t know anything about it…….ummmmm, I….I….may not be of much help……..u know……….

In the meantime, a friend of yours and hers comes by, he’s the guy with all the answers always. She catches hold of him and tells him about the PP issue.

The Friend : I am getting late to a meeting, but if you are ready to walk along with me uptil there, I can tell you the whole thingy in a precise and concise fashion. (What a loser, who talks like this.You are bloody angry with him, but as usual, stay silent)

She : Chalo, I have no other work anyway, will walk along with you. ‘Choooo chweet’ of you to help me. come lets go, you’ll get late otherwise. ( Damn, you hate it so much when someone else gets that kinda mushy praise, so wish it were you who'd be gettin that)

You : ummm…..uhhh………bye……… (did she even hear this ? )

And there you are, all cold, be it the coffee, or the mind, all gone numb. There she goes away again, leaving you pondering over what is it that should happen to make things work…..as usual, nothing comes to mind, you order another coffee and say “Life goes on”…………..

Hal ticket Number - IC – 302
POP-test no : 1038
Result : FAILED – This student should be put under probation and a special award has to be given to him because his outstanding score has been recorded in the “All time lowest scorers Hall of Fame”.

13. Heart shaped Wonders

Love is in the air kathey! Hmmm, yeah it really is. Me and Phani, wanted a change and went to the bakery for dinner (they've got chaat too, yummy) and saw the highlight ITEM there. Heart-shaped mini cakes, ek dum mast looking, too tempting to resist, just big enough for two ppl, serving the couples (can call them couple cakes too actually). They were so tempting , i just wanted to have them, ditto with phani. We reach the counter, look at the cakes(the big heart had little cherry colored hearts on it, looked so tasty) look at each others faces , step back from the counter and stare at the cake from a distance.

Me - Shall we buy it?

Phani - what?? no way dude

Me - arey it's lookin too tasty bey (i know i may sound crazy , but a mere look at food makes it tasty for me :) )

Phani - It's only for couples bey, we are outcastes in this bakery,we are only supposed to stare at such beauties (the cakes and otherwise too :P).

Me - yeah, as the guy in Hyderabad Blues says "You can see, but you cannot touch :)"

Phani - bloody, see that guy with the cute girl, ya the fat guy , with the spectacles whoz totally gettin bald..........how in the world do they get gals baap, tell me, aint i smarter than him

Me - why even compare, if you're John Travolta, then he is Johnny lever ....hahahaha

Phani - but then, how does this happen, every 14th we end up talking with abt the same ppl, the same stuff, over and over? Isnt there an answer? am I ever gonna get a girl :(

Me - arey i want to buy that cake, i want to eat it right away.

Phani - you mad or what, the shopkeeper will think we're GB's (gay bastards...this is strictly copyrighted college lingo :P )

Me - let the shopkeeper think anything he wants, hunger comes before gender , i'd rather look gay and live than look straight and die of hunger.

Phani - OOk, do watever pleases you, i too dont mind sharing it with you, lets eat with the same spoon too, attract attention , what say? ;)

Me - You are hopelessly single, only such a mind in need can churn out ideas like these :P Chal, lets pack the cake, eat it in the gully outside, in the dark alley behind the bushes ...hahahaha

Phani - You sick fuck, buy the damn thing and lets leave.

Me - Fuck you Bitch, I'll go and get it...my tummy is callin for the cake "Oh meri munni cake, main aa gaya, tere liye bahaar leekar " :)


ps: All outcastes on valentine's should have a special bakery to go to, where there'll be half-hearted cakes (both in shape and effort). may be some outcastes (of the opposite sex, not stressin on it though :P) may get to talk to each other back into the game from such novel joints ...wat say... i am sayin this bcoz ppl like me 'n phani need these novel joints, coz anything happenin for real without a miracle seems to be unimaginable :(

12. The Missy behind

Chris, the hunk on his way to the dungeon people call a lecture hall, realizes he's late. Enters in through the back door,sits on a squeaky bench which attracts undue attention."Why me, why do i always get the squeaky ones?" , he wonders. As usual, he isn’t able to make head or tail of the lecture, seems LOST. He tries to stay awake with all the strength left in him.Looks at his watch, scratches his head, gives his neck some workout, stretches his legs, sends his friend an SMS and looks at his watch again only to find that one ONE single minute has passed since the last time he’d seen it. The professor seems to go on and on endlessly, Chris is clinging on to dear life, trying to stay awake and come through this ordeal Alive!

Then suddenly he gets a reason to stay awake - A girl sitting just behind him, in the next row, coughs. He’s got a mission now, to find out “Who’s that girl ?”. Thinks for while, cant turn right back as it would make him look silly, so realizes that he needs to accomplish the task with the limited neck-rotation range. Time’s not a problem, it never is when you are in a lecture hall, coz the clock just stops ticking :) Now starts to think of ways, gets very weird ideas. Takes his left wrist (he sports a watch on his left hand) close to his face and starts tilting it in such a way that the reflection of the glass frame zeroes in on her. But does take care that he doesn’t make his viewing efforts obvious to the girl behind. The watch rotation strategy works, but only partially, the IMAGE is’nt clear, it’s all blurry. All he could make out of it was that it was a fair female with long hair….."hmmm, that reduces the list of suspects ;)" he thinks, that’s coz many of the gals in his class are of the bob cut/mushroom cut variety.

Ponders for a while , hears her cough again, so is even more eager to solve the mystery, listens to the prof for a while (courtesy sake) as he is still on the lookout for a way. Sees the guy in front has a pair of sunglasses (the reflective kind) in his bag. Do anything to stay awake and not listen to the lecture ,that was his motto. He takes the glasses out, and thinks “aah, this will do the trick, these shades will gimme a picture of the princess sitting behind…”. So engrossed is he in his musings that he doesn’t notice the professor standing next to him all this while.

Prof : GET UP !!

(Chris does slowly , with the squeaking chair making his rise even more dramatic :P)

Prof: What are you trying to do?

Chris thinks “Should I tell him? He’ll commit suicide if he knows the scant attention I am paying to his lecture, being busy on a girl quest instead, I’ll remain silent”.

Prof : Please leave the class.

Chris bends to take his books, then turns around to leave from the back door. Manages to steal a glance at the female behind, whom he was trying to figure out for all this while. Turns out that it was Reggie….Oh so beautiful Reggie! He had a liking from the time he had joined college. Gets a big smile from her and walks out like a victorious warrior :) “Mission accomplished and done with the lecture too!” he muses as he walks out. What made it still magical was the killer smile she gave passes at him in the end. Begins to wonder “ May be she did notice all my efforts, may be she does want me to notice her…Naah! Be the pessimist you are, just stay away, you cant take girls! …. But that one smile has made my day”.

Footnote :
Remembered this SMS that I got off late.

Barkha Dutt(the NDTV interviewer) ask some boys,

Q. What do you guys do to get a girl’s attention?
Ans: We have to ride bikes, learn to play the guitar and drums, get our hair streaked, get muscular going to gyms, follow them like dogs….Damn , the list is too long, and embarrassing too :P.

She asks a group of girls ,
Q; What do you girls do to get a guy’s attention?
Ans: Just smile once and he’s all yours :)

11. Attention!!! - What the heck

“Attention !” – “I’ll do anything man, I am even ready to shout ‘Attention!’ like a military general, just to make her look at me, because once I get the look naa, I can work my way through with my charm”, says my friend. I say, “ Arey, there’s your cute school friend at the other end of the hall, who’s constantly trying to get your attention, and you are totally ignoring her”, to which he says “no dude, she’s not the, u know, girl friend type. She isn’t demanding, high handed, flirtatious which are total turn on’s for me. She too easily agrees to what I have to say and hardly asks for anything, giving me the impression that she doesn’t want to be anything more than a friend.”

How often does this not happen, the person you want to talk to isn’t as eager to listen to you, as is a person, whom you aren’t so eagerly interested to listen to, yourself. The wretched irony of life, or can it be thought of as a guiding light? Don’t you hear people saying, “What goes around comes around”, or is this just a myth. Lets just not confine the issue to talking, lets take it a step further by saying that the interest you show in a person, the effort you put or want to put to get that person’s attention does not get the kind of reciprocation or response you would like to get.

When it comes to love, a good friend of mine says, “I just cant understand the concept of adjustment in love. People say, why go searching for love when there are people you know who are ready give you love? How can you adjust and compromise in matters of love?”. I’d say a better word for it would be “contentment”, but that’s a secondary thing. If you are in love with someone who isn’t interested even the slightest bit in you, then what does one do? Reassess whether is it really love or is it just infatuation packaged in a glittery wrapper ? Or Continue to be in love without letting the ‘person’ know of it? What if there is another person in love with you already :o ? Or Stay contented saying, this wasn’t meant to be, so let me search for other open roads? Another friend of mine says, “Adjustment is a part of life dude, u have to adjust yourself according to the circumstances and situations”, but that’s a separate issue all together.

We so desperately try to get that someone’s attention, we’ll try every trick in the book, every potion and spell that we know just to get noticed by the right person. And invariably what happens is that it’s everyone else other than that someone, who end up noticing you. And the same holds true for people trying to get your attention as well, you are so busy trying to get someone else’s attention that you don’t pay attention to the efforts made to get your attention. Sounds clichéd, twisted, but that’s the way it is.

I have got so vexed looking at how this “vicious circle” gets formed everywhere, that I’ve stopped consciously from making efforts to be noticeable, even accidentally. Have resigned from the “Attention-mongers” department, have adopted the “if I have to get noticed by someone, it will happen eventually, no point in trying consciously to draw attention.”. have begun paying Attention to every possible attempt made to make me feel better or happier and it is giving me a lot more satisfaction coz I can see the happiness in people’s face when they get the desired reciprocation for their tries.

But then again, the chirpy child within me gets outta control now and then and gets back to trying to impress upon people and get me noticed. There’s this conflict which crops up every now and then , but finally practicality wins(I hate it to win, but it ultimately does) and I am back to being what I have always been, a poor “Attention - gatherer”.