28. Hair-ism and the human

There’s this perception world-over that every human on the whole (a conglomeration of all the organs/tissues blah blah) is an individual independent entity. But as far as I see it, there are 2 entities which combine to make a human. One of those entities is HAIR and the other is the person himself/herself (minus the hair). Can’t u see what’s happening. They (the hair people) are all over us. Have a look at yourself in the mirror, they’re ALL OVER !! And we cant do anything about it. They decide when they have to change colour (depending on the current fashion trends in their race, some turn pinkish yellow too), where they want to stay on the human surface, when they want to leave the human (especially the head region) for a long sabbatical. There’s no question of having talks with them and coming to a consensus. Every time a hair falls in front of my question paper, every time a dandruff flake gives me that wretched look while dangling on the collar of my shirt, every time I look in the mirror praying that the tragic disappearance of the lushness of my hair doesn’t become a reality……….. It would be so good if I could talk the hair on my head into a bargain, a settlement, sign a treaty with it. Life would be so much easier.

“Treaty to maintain sanctity of hair-zones” (2006) : LoH (Leader of the Hair people) versus AK (Abhay Krishna)

AK : So, what would it take for you to give me a guarantee that you or any of your people wont leave me in the lurch till I cross the age of 30.

LoH : You see, we are very reasonable people who have very reasonable demands. If you can fulfill our requests, we will be happy to sign this treaty.

AK : (What kind of requests can these people have…. they’re so long, thin, fragile, hope they don’t ask me something which I cant offer) I am eager to strike a bargain with you. Some of your people have already left my constituencies without prior information, which is totally un-democratic, but putting these stray incidents aside, we want to arrive at a common consensus. Let me put it in simple words, I will probably be a single guy who’s bachelor status wont be threatened by proposals to get married until I hit 30(hopefully). So, I wanna flirt flirt and flirt as long as I am legally/morally able to. And as we all know, first impressions are ever lasting, and god knows why, the female kind get way too depressed as soon as they see that your people are missing/have deserted a guy’s capital city (the head-quarters :P ). And your people moving out of my capital city (Head-erabad) in search of a better future, is something which I wouldn’t want to see. So lets hear out what your requirements are.

LoH : You see, we are very reasonable people who have very reasonable demands. Here is a tentative list of demands by my people, all very very reasonable indeed.

The List :

• A trip to Paris every year, to get a haircut from Claude Baapkilele, Johhny Depp’s hair-dresser.

• A trip to Sydney, Austrailia in the near future, my people are die-hard Nicole Kidman fans and want to congratulate her on her engagement with Keith Urban.

• A fortnightly visit to Habeeb’s saloon in Banjara Hills, we’ve enquired about the prices, 500 bucks for 15 minutes of massage, which is extremely reasonable.

• Only Almond hair-oil to be used, specifically the brand “Badamstein” manufactured in Germany, coconut oil wont be tolerated. An all-body curfew will start with mass agitiation and boycott the minute a jar of mustard oil or any naturo-therapeutic oil enters within 50 metres radius of our living areas.

• My people were very impressed with Diana Hayden’s advertisement for Lo’oreal, so they want a complete makeover with the complete L’oreal hair kit to be done only by Claude Baapkilele.

• Keeping in mind the welfare of my people who aren’t in the capital, I demand a ban on the use of Odomos or Nycil prickly heat powder as it causes asphyxiation and has led to the demise of many of my comrades.

• Also, it will be a very reasonable request to suggest that my people be cleansed with bottled mineral water at all times, considering that the economy is on the boom and that they need to have a higher standard of living.

AK (who is pretty dumbstruck with all these demands) : All will be done, in due course of time. I bow in front of you oh almighty LoH, will take care of all your needs, just keep your people convinced that my capital is the ‘happening’ city, that their future will be safe and secure over here as their interest will be taken care of.

Starts to think – Now I need to go and discard that “dhuradha pathraadhi thaiyilam”( a smelly oil from the Kerala Ayurveda samajam) which mom had sent by courier. I also need to go in search of a substitute for Nycil, may be Shower-to-Shower will be a good bet. Will ask mom for 3K stating that I need to upgrade my PC and instead buy ‘Badamstein’. Also need to stay away from that Somu Sen guy, he brings Bengali food for lunch which smells all mustardy!

Goes into a brief trip down memory lane

Age: 15 days (mom told me this later)

Mom rubs her hand over my head (all curly hair) and the nurse standing next to her says, “achhu NTR laanti juttu unnadi” – meaning my hair do was similar to that of NTR , one of the then famous telugu film stars.

Age : 10 years

My hindi teacher in school catches hold of my hair and throws me out of the class. I so wished that I was bald, it would have been so good if she’ d had nothing to pull at that moment :(

Age : 12 years

I am made to wear a frock and sport hair clips ( have mentioned this in an earlier post ) for having bushy hair and not getting a hair-cut. God I so wished that these damn hair dint grow so fast and be easier to manage.

Age : 14 years

Spent literally 2 hours on the barber’s chair, the guy was really sweating it out trying to cut my hair down to the popular “Military hair style” which was the fad in those days.

Age : 20 years 250+ days (getting back to the present)

Those were the golden hair days man ! Now, I spend hardly 30 minutes at the barber’s shop, which includes reading Cine Blitz for 20 minutes while waiting for my turn to sit on the hot-seat. The barber is all smiles to have me as his customer, he’s getting money for little or no effort. Using scales and compasses to measure the changing boundaries of the ever-expanding forehead has become a sort of a daily ritual now (sob sob)