122. The question

He knew this day would come. It had to. There was no running away from it. So he gave himself a pep-talk in front of the mirror in his room. He drew some confidence from the agile never-say-die mosquito that kept buzzing at his ear despite his semi-swift arm movements trying to drive it away. He could sense that they were inching towards his room with malicious intent. He braced himself for what was in store. Who was he kidding ? They were going to ask him the same question again some day. He had tried his level best to dodge this question each time it was fired at him. He had been successful so far. But he was pretty sure that he was going down this time. He had prepared a back-up answer. He was also ready with a second back-up answer in case the first back-up didn't work. And then they entered his room.

Parents (in chorus): Son, you have to go attend a wedding today.

Me: But why? I don't want to go :(

Parents (in chorus): You give the same answer always. They are our close relatives. It won't look good. You have to go.

Me: But I will become the center of attraction there. Everyone over there will tell me I am next in line. They will give me all sorts of advice right from how to pick a bride to how not to pick a honeymoon location.

Parents (in chorus): That is exactly why we want you to go. People will see you and make calls.

Me: But I am not feeling too well. Stomach upset from the papdi chaat I had last night.

Parents (in chorus): Never mind. We already packed a lunch box for you just in case you felt hungry at the wedding and didn't want to risk it by eating the rich wedding food.

Me: But...But...Ok, I'll get ready and leave in 15 minutes.

Parents (in chorus): We love you son! We really do.

121. The stranger at the airport

Me filling a fellow Indian's on-arrival visa application form in Bangkok.

Me: Tell me the name of your 'Contact person' in Thailand
Him: I don't know anyone here. I just came. 
Me: Ok,do you have 1000 baht for the visa?
Him: No. I dint know I had to exchange money.

<Awkward pause>

Him: What is this 'Place of Issue'? Is it there on my passport? 
Me: Let me fill that for you.
Him: Thank you. What do I do next?
Me: Let me fill my form in peace.

120. Train Chronicles - The odd one out

Been a long time since I've boarded a train. Close to 3 years now. That's quite a long while. Train travel and the middle-class Indian cannot be kept apart for a long time. It is an integral part of the Indian middle-class existence. Every train journey brings with it a set of mixed emotions - a sense of anticipation, a hunger pang, an urge to move on, a self-enquiry of the road not taken, a weird pseudo-nostalgic queasy feel overall.

I have had my fair share of interesting train journeys. Some more memorable than others. Here is a brief account of one of the more interesting ones.

The only 'male' in the 8 seat compartment

Being the only 'male' in a compartment ideally should be a cause of joy, simply because you would expect at least one of the remaining 7 women in the cube to be in and around your age group, in which case you would have a paisa-vasool journey. However, that assumption went for a toss when I found myself in a cubicle full of eunuchs/hijras. They had the other 7 berths in the compartment (by reservation, not force). And it was a 24 hour journey. Imagine. No, you can't. Unless you've been through the exact same ordeal, which I hope you have not, for your own sake.

The only eunuchs I'd seen until then(in my entire life) were the ones that did the 'clap and beg' routine in the trains and the ones that would miraculously appear outside every home where a function of some sort was underway. I'd seen them being very persuasive and coercive (until they got what they wanted). The stories I'd heard were scarier. With all these negative thoughts buzzing through my tiny brain, was needless to say that I was petrified.

For the first hour or so, I don't think I looked at anything but my shoes. Raising eyes unto eye-level meant eye contact. And eye contact meant certain doom. Was afraid that eye contact could be misinterpreted - my fear could be interpreted as hate/disgust/aversion.The only consolation was that I had a 'Side Lower' berth. This gave me some room to walk up and down the corridor umpteen times without rhyme or reason. But there was nowhere to run or hide. This was a train. That was my berth. No matter what, I had to go back there and make peace with my demons.

I was afraid of the multitude of ways in which I could unintentionally offend them and earn their wrath in the process. I was trying to convince myself to keep conversation to a minimum and strictly use gender-neutral grammar if and when required. My excess luggage was not helping matters. Excess luggage meant space negotiation. Negotiation meant conversation. Staring out through the window was straining my neck like crazy. I was counting the hours down. Time was not exactly 'flying' when I needed it to. Eventually, I became less nervous and adjusted to the situation which was not as big an ordeal as it had appeared to be at first. 

In their defense, they were doing their own thing all through the journey, didn't bother me in anyway. One guy from the next compartment came over and started chatting up with them. Gathered from their conversations that they belong to a self-help group for their kind. That they worship their own guru and work in co-operative societies. Although these conversations served as a much needed distraction, they did not do much to bring down the paranoia levels. I was on high-alert mode all through and relaxed only when I saw the yellow board with the destination station's name on it. In retrospect, I could have been a little less paranoid and a bit more confident I suppose. I would've still been as circumspect and cautious however.

Intend to add more train journey accounts to this post. Hope I stick to my plans.

Cheers.

119. Writer block or Cranium burn out

Been a while since I've written anything. Call it a writer's block or an imbecile's reluctance to put pen to paper. Stumbled on an old notebook where I'd jotted down some ideas which I had planned to write about (way back in 2010). Now that I seem to have run out of ideas (hoping that this is a temporary phase), I figured I'd write a couple of posts based on my 'once-upon-a-time' ideas.  The world around has been changing and evolving like never before. So much to observe, analyze, do. So much to absorb. In all this brouhaha, I've missed the simple pleasure of inking my thoughts. I've been told that its a stress buster. Not sure about that. Writing opens labyrinths which were safely closed and shut away for good. 

118. Hyderabad Blues revisited

Due to a series of unprecedented events on an otherwise blissful Sunday, I happened to watch Hyderabad Blues again. The first time I had watched it was way back in '99.  Although it was as much as fun now as it was then, I got to appreciate the movie for so much more this time around. Many aspects of the movie make it timeless, a rare quality which seldom a movie can boast about. The story of a confused NRI returning back home and questioning the idea of what a 'home' is - is a theme which is still very relevant and will be for a long time to come.

The reason for the connect this time around is because the protagonist Varun (Nagesh Kukunoor) is 28 years of age and is pestered by society at large to get married before he returns to the US. Both his best friends are married (one of them marries during the movie, while the other is a father of two kids already). Two of my best friends are married. And another one will in August. Cuts like a knife!

Varun challenges the idea of arranged marriage and in his words - "fights 5000 years of culture" everyday. The high-levels of interest others have in knowing and commenting on his life choices is the closest depiction of the reality today. Pretty close to how my well-wishers track my movements via online voyeurism and unsolicited grapevine.

Varun returns to Hyderabad after having spent 12 years in the USA. Although I am no confused NRI, I did return to my hometown after a 8 year stint in different parts of this glorious nation. And when I did get back, it made me question the idea of a 'home' just like the protagonist's repeated meanderings all through the movie.

What makes Hyderabad Blues a timeless classic is the way in which Kukunoor captures the multi-layered conflict which every average Indian Joe has to tackle during the 25-30 years period.  Be it the incessant "When are you getting married?" question thrown at you by everyone around, or the ideological battle between arranged marriage and love marriage, or the perception society builds around your professional-economic status and how that becomes your identity (no matter how hard you try to run away from it), or the   sudden unhealthy stalker-ly interest our society shows in your life, or the generation gap and the cultural gap which you are supposed to acknowledge and bridge in record time(remaining sane all the while).

It truly is a lovely take on life in Hyderabad set in the pre_IT boom era. and despite the city having undergone a sea change over the last 15 years, the dilemmas its people face have not changed much. Felt nostalgic spotting a Nestle Milo billboard shown in a scene during the movie. It all seems to have happened such a long time ago. Will revisit this piece of magic in a few years time for sure. 

Normal and safe

Nut 1 - Why do we always tend to live our lives based on what everyone defines as 'normal' and 'safe'? Why do we let others define boundaries for our decisions ?

Nut 2 - Because if we don't then we will be treated as outcasts rite.

Nut 1 - Not exactly. You know why we do that?

Nut 2 -Why we do what? I am not getting it.

Nut 1 - Why we dont stray away from what everyone perceives as 'normal' and 'safe'.

Nut 2 - Umm....I don't know. We're too scared maybe.

Nut 1 - More than being scared, we hate being told "I told you so!".

Nut 2 - Hein? I told you so? Who told you what? This sounds cryptic to me.

Nut 1 - You see, when we shy away from the 'normal' on an important decision and it doesn't work out, everyone around will come up to you and say "I told you that it won't work out. Why didn't you listen to me then? Its always risky to go down that road you know. I have been telling you that this is a risky decision. Your mom and dad have also told you about 'not' doing this. Even Azhar uncle from across the street was skeptical about your decision-taking capabilities. Now look at yourself. You are cribbing and crying about your failure. What is the use tell me? No, just tell me what is the use? Your eyes have gone into their sockets. You are looking like one of those skeleton-pirates from Pirates of the Carribean movie. From the looks of it, you need that 1-year facial foundation make-up program to liven up your face. Now go eat something atleast. Shall I get you parcel Idly from Nartaki tiffins?"

All through our adult lives, every choice we make and every decision we take is all in an effort to avoid this sentence "I told you so!" from being uttered by anyone.

Nut 2 - You know what, I was told the same thing at home yesterday when I bought a tube of Pepsodent 2-in-1 instead of buying a Pepsodent G.

Nut 1 - <<Takes a gun, shoots himself in the shins and limps away>>

At the gymnasium

Up until the last generation, the 'gym' (as it is popularly called) was not a place for all and sundry(at least in our country). The mango man did not find it necessary and important to have a regular workout at the gym. (Primarily because there was enough physical labor in his daily routine and also because he could not afford to join one) As for the mango woman, a visit to the gym was never an option to exercise as it was a bastion of masculinity. The gym used to be the hub of sportsmen, wrestlers and men from the armed forces.

Well, things have changed for the better since the 1991 liberalization. (I'm an MBA guy - will link everything to 1991 - its a disorder - just kidding - no I'm serious) The increase in the standard of living coupled with the new urban sedentary lifestyle has turned 'hitting the gym' into an urban necessity. Gen Y and Gen Next are much more open to the idea of hitting the gym than their predecessors - the Gen X and the Baby Boomers. Most of them hit the gym in an attempt to stay fit while some have very interesting ulterior motives - like hitting on that cute girl who comes to the gym every alternate Wednesday.

The gymnasium has turned into a vibrant microcosm - with a wide variety of people and the wider variety of situations that they create, all in an effort to live a better life (or so they think). Here are a few of the colorful kind of people you may come across when you 'hit' the gym.

Terminator alias Mr. Know-it-all

Have you seen Arnold in Terminator-2 ? For those of you who haven't, Arnold was the Terminator sent from the future with the sole aim to protect a certain John Connor. He knew what he had to do, was always in control, with in-built one-liners and 'punch' dialogues. Well, Mr. Know-it-all belongs to that breed of Terminators. From the moment he barges into the gym (akin to the way Arnold barges into the police headquarters in the movie), he's a man on a mission with single-minded devotion. Any man/machine/rodent in his way to fitness will be 'terminated'. He wears knee pads that match his water-bottle and his ear phones. His optimized routine cannot be questioned even by the gym instructor. Everyone envies his routine and his physique. He's a mystery.

Iron Man

He's got the biggest muscles in the gym. He gets in. He's always warmed-up. He pumps iron. He stares at his muscles once every 2 minutes. His muscles are so huge that they are 4-D. He helps people out with their weight-training. He tells stories of how he makes his orange juice daily - by placing an orange on his upper arm and squeezing it with his arm-muscles. He also talks about his glory-days when he was a second runner-up in the Ghatkesar mandal body building championship.

Teacher's pet 

You'll always find this one guy/girl who is the teacher's pet - in this case, the gym instructor's pet. This pet will spend most of its gym time in and around the instructor. It's a win-win situation for both parties actually. The instructor is happy as he has someone to share his thoughts with(and get his ego massaged whenever required), while the pet is also happy because the instructor will not force it into high-strain exercises and uncompromising positions during the workout. Where else can such a symbiosis be witnessed.

The girlfriend and her boy-best-friend (Kuch Kuch Hota Hai)

Here's a girlfriend-boyfriend pair who have decided to get fit together. They have noble intentions. But when they enrol, chaos ensues. The girl is not very happy when her guy is not able to lift a 5 pound dumb-bell. The guy is forever worried about his girl getting all the undue attention from the gym instructor. Their see-sawing love story amidst the swivelling gym machines can be a turned into a full-blown bollywood movie. Anurag Kashyap, are you listening ?

The TV watcher (Homer Simpson)

I know its rare but there are a few folks who hit the gym just to watch TV. These are people who are never handed the remote control at their homes. They hit the gym, step on the treadmill, adjust it to a speed of 3 kmph(slow walking) and take control of the TV in front. They come with the tagline in their eyes - 'Anyone who tries to change the channel will have to deal with my mother-in-law'.

The struggler (Uday Chopra)

Here is someone who struggles to shed weight, struggles to run on the treadmill, struggles with his/her diet, struggles while lifting the 10 pound dumbbell. For this person, gym life is full of struggles. Even the gym instructor sympathizes with the struggler. The struggler gets everyone's sympathy but rarely gets anyone's help - unlike the damsel in distress.

Damsel in distress (Cinderella)

She joins the gym. She needs the attention. She knows she's pretty. She knows that she doesn't know anything about a workout. She does however know that she will get help whenever she asks for it. So she wails and pleads for help as she wanders and tip-toes through the monstrous machines and the monstrous men pumping iron - like the damsel in distress waiting for a valorous prince to come to her rescue. Her workout routine is typically punctuated with the cries of 'Ouch', 'Ouieee', 'Oh no' and the 'Can someone show me the stop button on this treadmill?'

Software engineer Brahmi (from the movie Pokiri)

How could this post be complete without the software engineer stereotype. Software engineers are everywhere. You can not ignore them. Some may be hiding even in your closet as I speak. Our software engineer Brahmi is the typical spectacled balding pot-bellied middle-age Iphone-5 owner who has decided to join the gym as an after-thought more than anything else. He's well known for taking onsite/client calls while running on the treadmill. He's also well known for buying the most outrageous set of gym wear - fluorescent-green tracks and sunflower-yellow running shoes. He also believes that his extravagant spending on gadgets and gym wear may get him some attention from the damsel in distress. Kudos to his optimism.

Shall try and capture a few more stereotypes as they come to mind. Until then, ciao.

115. 27*

Turning 27 has been an eye-opener of sorts. At 26, still had a few lingering doubts about my perception of life, the purpose of existence blah blah(essentially Epicurean philosophy). Sadly, many of those doubts still remain. However, all this tumult and confusion has given rise to a new black-box approach to living. An approach guided by the principle - I don't know what I want. I only partially know what I don't want (as quoted by +sanjeev dhavala). An approach where you stop questioning and start living. Take the partial outputs, envision a future and work towards it. 

Looking back at the year that has passed, there have been very many fundamental shifts in my way of life. Some serious, some absurd. Thinking has given way to doing. The famous UG Krishnamurthy catch-phrase "Where is the action?" has driven the decision making process to quite a large extent.The very fact that I am writing this post a month after my birthday is indicative of the fact that I've been doing more and thinking less(and hence writing lesser).

Attended quite a few live events. A Play, a rock concert, a Lucky Ali disaster, a cricket match,  a cock fight(that dint happen finally), a ghazal performance come to mind now(must be a few more). Apart from the ones mentioned, must have attended at least 10-15 weddings of near and dear.

Have been able to shed some of the extra pounds accumulated over the years(13 pounds to precise). However, this is a baby step in comparison to the mountain that has to be conquered. But I am confident that   a few more baby steps one after the other can kill this devil in due course of time. Expecting a miracle overnight would be foolish.

Been another good year professionally. Been rated top performer(this news will be made official next week or so). For someone in search of professional stability(sticking to one job), this year has been very important as I've learnt how to work and how much to work. May not be an important finding for most but 'working under a management' has been an exploratory phase for me and I am slowly but surely unraveling the mysteries of corporate existence. Its been a fun ride thus far.

No accidents this year (touch wood). Begun the last year with a stupefying self-nade fall from the vehicle. This year has been safe vehicle-wise(apart from paying a few fines here and there).

This post would be only half-done if I do not mention how the M word (Marriage) has plagued my existence this year. So much so that its driven me to write not one, not two but FOUR blog posts! I would urge you to read each one of them - each a treasure trove in its own right. 2012 would always be remembered as the year when I lost most of my friends to the M word.

One activity which I need to focus on is catching up with everyone once in a while. Work has kept me terribly busy and I've not been able to take time out to stay in touch with kith and kin. Maybe this can be the new year resolution for 2013. Confession - I secretly wanted the Mayan prediction to come true. Would have saved me the trouble of coming up with new resolutions :)

114. Dial 'M' for Marriage (Part 4) - The first 'arranged' call

As a participant observer to several steps of this process(the 'arranged marriage' process), I've been privileged enough to witness/experience this ritual called the first 'arranged' call.

Background

Now what is an 'arranged' call you may ask. Well, its pretty much like a 'before the blind date' call, only with an extra dash of religion and astrology to it. Since technology has leapfrogged ahead with religion left gasping to come to terms with it, we're seeing new rituals being incorporated as a part of the entire 'arranged' process. This 'arranged' call is one such ritual which has come into being(created by the elders to this generation) where the elders find it within religious and spiritual limits to let the prospects(prospective guy and girl) talk to each other over the phone before the final 'go-ahead' decision is to-be taken by both the parties.

But before letting technology bridge the compatibility gap between the two prospects(prospective guy and girl, to reiterate), the elders use far more superior techniques to conclusively determine compatibility between the prospects. They seek guidance from the stars, the planets, the gods in heaven and the astrologer/pujari/yogi/shaman living across the street to understand the prospective future of the prospects living together. Only after the stars, the planets, the neighborhood temple priest and the local cop give their approval, can technology be introduced to find out if at all there is any compatibility. Pretty much like the 'License Raj' system during colonial times.

Before the call - The preparation(or the lack of it)

Once all the approvals from the heavens and the god-men are in place, the guy is given the go ahead to call the girl (Why is it that the guy has to take the initiative always? Is this not a generation which believes that men and women are equal ? Anyways....) The guy is clueless(as usual). Probably the first time that he has been asked to call a stranger where the stranger also knows that he would be calling her up. He calls up his friends who are either engaged or married for some tips on how to negotiate the first few minutes of conversation. The guys who got 'love married' prove to be of no use(since they never had to do this) while the ones who got 'arranged married' spoke very little or did not get a chance to speak at all(only smile from a distance).

So the guy now back at square one, thinks of ways to get through the first few minutes trying not to be a complete jackass. Says to himself - This is like answering the 'Tell me about yourself' question which you had prepared for during your MBA placements. Only need to change the last sentence. Replace 'Which is why I feel I can be a valuable asset to your company' with 'Which is why I feel I can be a dependable life-partner'. 

Since he's very confident that he'll go blank right after saying 'Hi', he writes down a list of things to talk about.

1. Weather in all the major cities

2. The India-England Test match series

3. Pani Puri

4.  Bats hiding behind the Air Conditioner in the gym

Before making the call, he ensures that there's no one eavesdropping on the conversation(except the wall lizard on the right corner).

The call

The call itself is like a cryptic telephonic interview where both sides are interviewing each other for the same job position(that of a life-partner). It starts of with a 'Hello' instead of a 'Hi' as the guy imagined it to be. 

Guy - Hi...

Girl - Hello...

Guy - Hello...

Girl  - Hi...

<<Awkward Pause>>

Guy - How are things at your end ?

Girl  - Fine. How are things at your end ?

Guy - Fine.

<<Awkward Pause>>

<<Awkward Pause>>

Guy - So, I hear its pleasant weather in Bangalore now.

Girl - Yaa, it is. Soporific weather.

Guy - Oh great!

<<Awkward Pause>>

<<Awkward Pause>>

<<Awkward Pause>>

       |

       |

       |

<<Continues>>

After the call

Once the call is over, the guy is supposed to report back to his elders with either a confirmation or the rejection. He asks for time and for a few more phone calls but all his requests fall to deaf ears. And so, due to reasonable doubt, he answers with a rejection. To add fuel to fire, the elders later get to know from the girl's parents that the girl has also rejected this guy.

After 10 years

While playing with his brother's kids, he recalls the rejection and of all the brilliant vibrant topics he could have thought of during that one potentially-life-altering phone call. And then one of the kids playfully kicks him in the nuts. He screams.

113. Simply Dial M for Marriage

I bring to you the third part of the 'Dial M for Marriage' continuum. 
Part 1 - Dial M for Marriage
Part 2 - Dial M for Marriage 2 - Direct Attack

In the previous post (Dial M for Marriage 2), I made a brief mention of how peer pressure can play havoc with our minds. This post is an attempt to capture the craziness arising out of all the ways in which a friend can confuse your perceptions about arranged marriage.

The good friend
This guy has it all and has done it all. And now he's getting married. Now when a facebook kinda friend gets married,you do not fret or break a sweat. But when a real-world friend, whom with you have shared some quality time in the past announces his marriage, that does kind of bring a million questions in your head. 

Is it time already ? 

Do I want to 'settle' ? (oh that term 'settle' sounds so early-man-ish...hunters and settlers...my ass!)

Oh wait, I don't know what I want. Or do I ?

Questions galore, no one around to give sane enough answers to them.

The dork friend
You made fun of this guy all through high school. He dint do too well at his job either. And then suddenly, the guy has a trophy wife he shows off at every opportune occasion. 
You start screaming(mentally) - What's he got that I aint got! (fading away tune) - akin to the VIP brief advertisement of the 90s. 

The unlucky friend
This guy has it all. Great education, greater job, greatest pay. Humble demeanor, brilliant credentials. But when it comes to searching for a bride, he's been luck-less. Makes you wonder if the gods up there are playing a wicked joke to have some fun at his expense. What you also realize is that this is not a game where credentials necessarily work. Its a game of demand and supply where the better networked people get ahead of the better qualified(if 'getting married' is equivalent to 'getting ahead' ie). 

The douche friend
This guy was your friend a long time ago. You don't even remember why you were friends in the first place. You do know that he's a total douchebag now. What's even worse. He's married his high-school sweetheart. Not that its a gr8 choice made, for either of the two, but still, you (mentally) crib - Why this kolaveri kolaveri kolaveri di? 

The girl who's a friend (yes, a girl can be a friend, not the girlfriend necessarily)
This friend is totally bindaas about the M issue. She doesn't give two hoots about it. She says that she'll find a guy when the time is right. She's positive that it'll all work out. Although the arranged marriage spouse selection process gives women more options than men, its still a risky predicament to play with that equation by waiting it out. You wonder as to how she can be so positive about finding Mr.Right from among this huge pool of un-marry-able prospects(read: suspects) out there in the market.

The sane friend
Now here is the guy who has always echoed your thoughts about this M issue for a long time. You've always been in agreement with his views on how it has become necessary to get married and the social obligation it has been turned into.
And boom! He tells you that he is gonna take the plunge. Pulls the rug from under your feet. You take some time to come to your senses before you start humming - Munni Badnaam hui, darling tere liye...(well, you're so distraught that you just hum any tune that comes to mind) 

The hyper friend
Now we all have this one friend who is obsessed with the idea of marriage and its the only topic that's on his mind at all times (ever since puberty). For the sake of anonymity, lets call our protagonist 'Simply'(a la 'Soapy' from the short-story 'The Cop and the Anthem'). 

The thing about Simply is that he over-thinks about the M word. He over-thinks so much that he puts over-thinking to shame. Below are some of his thoughts.

If you don't get married now, you will not get married until you are 33-34 years.

That girl rejected me. She must be having an affair with someone for sure.

I have rejected so many girls even before they got a chance to reject me. 

I liked that girl but because my mother did not like her, I rejected her.

Generally, people marry when they are 26 years old...I mean in India...I mean in Hyderabad...I mean in our caste...I mean in my gender...Oh I don't know what I mean.

When a good friend recently announced that he was going to get married in December, Simply simply lost it. He's gone been on over-drive ever since. He wants to go one-up on his friend by marrying in November itself(if possible, in October itself) 

Well, that sums up this part. Shall come up with another one pretty soon. Until then, please comment on this one :)

112. Dial 'M' for Marriage 2 - Direct attack

Well, its been more than a year since I wrote my first take on the M word 'Marriage' - Dial M for Marriage

Its been more than a year but the situation still remains the same. The awkward situations that this M word generates is manifold. In the previous post (Dial M for Marriage), the emphasis was on the awkward situations which one may endure as an observer or a participatory third party in any phase of the 'arranged marriage' process.

In this post, I'll list down some of the direct attacks/confrontations which a gonna-be-groom-bachelor experiences during this pre-arranged marriage process.

The unsolicited advice 

Anyone who has ever been married starts giving you advice at really awkward times. It can be a good friend or a nosy neighbor or a totally random stranger who is in the middle of a quarrel with his wife on the phone(halts to give you advice and then goes back to quarreling).

Peer pressure

Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. This could not be truer when it comes to the 'getting married' and 'having a baby' actions. Its turned into a race of who will complete these actions first. And such actions cause a subliminal influence, a damaging one safe-to-say.

The internet matrimony profiles

You are asked to take a look at your mom's third degree cousin's family friend's second degree cousin's daughter's matrimony profile...and many other such profiles gathered from sources far and near - I like to call this network 'the pakkathu veetu maami' network(the aunt-next-door peer group). 

The thing with these matrimony profiles is that they are generally not written by the person whose profile it is. (unlike other social networking sites where the person himself/herself creates his/her own profile) It could be the girl's mom/dad/uncle/elder-brother/grandmother or even her boy-best-friend(the one with the ulterior motives).

And boy! The demands made in the 'Partner Preferences' section in these profiles range from weird to downright absurd. They demand all qualities that would combine to create a hypothetical Indian alpha-male. You know, the 'Tall-Fair-Handsome(T.F.H) IIT-MIT-Silicon Valley-Tech guru' variety or the 'T.F.H AIIMS-Post Doc-Plastic Surgeon for Aishwariya Rai' variety or the 'T.F.H NDA-Fighter pilot turned commercial pilot for Virgin airlines' variety.

With such steep requirements(irrespective of whether they're worth it or not), you wonder if any of these women will ever find their knight in shining armor. 

The road-show

You're paraded around in all public gatherings, be it a wedding or reception or a 'Gruha pravesham' or a 'Poonal'(thread ceremony) or a random distant relative's kid's first birthday. You get to hear many funny one-liners from elders at all these gatherings. 

You've grown so much. You were so little when I last saw you. (you'd be called 'retarded' if you hadn't grown since)

It is your turn next, be prepared.  (They make it sound like an IIT-JEE exam)

You don't have any girlfriends rite. You're so smart, its hard to believe. (A lame attempt at humor)

Oh, you work for Outfosys! Even my sister's daughter works there. She sings very well. (everyone who's anyone knows someone in Outfosys. #facepalm)

A marriage within the family
When there is a marriage within the family(of a near and dear person), you just cannot hide from the proceedings can you. You're asked to chip in with all the marriage chores ranging from buying a pH balanced shampoo from a specific boutique store which is 15 kms away(for the groom), to searching for Kittu mama's grandson(whom you eventually find on the street, blissfully playing with stray dogs), to dropping Meena mami and her entourage at the railway station afterwards. While you're trying to keep a low profile and get all these things done, you are subject to those weird quirky one-liners mentioned in the above segment. Its like a non-stop barrage of these incessant comments all through the whole wedding event(which spans a couple of days at least, unfortunately).

I don't know if I should call this providence, but just stumbled upon this pic on FB which is so in tune to what I've been saying in this post. So flicking it off and pasting it here.

A newspaper ad -

Also adding a rage comic I'd worked on sometime back. Pretty relevant here.

Well, there's more parts of this post which I shall post soon. This M saga does not seem to end anytime soon. #sigh

111. A true fan

Who is a true fan ? What does it take for one to be a true fan ?

Well, based on what the media tells us, a true fan needs to dedicate one's entire life religiously to follow one's idol, and if need be, give up many other common real world joys/pleasures when in the pursuit of the same.

For instance, a true Iron Maiden fan is supposed to have listened to all of their albums, to have been present in all their concerts, know everything about their lifestyle and emulate their lifestyle as much as possible(the tattoos and the rock band lifestyle).

A true Manchester United fan is supposed to watch all their matches hoping they win and also watch the main rival team matches praying that their rivals lose. All this while, the fan is supposed to be as vociferous as possible on all social media platforms about the success of one's idol team(Man Utd in this case). The fan is also supposed to keep track of all the transfers made by the club and the fees they pay to each player and to the coach.

A true Shah Rukh Khan fan is supposed to have watched all his movies, know all about how he struggled to get to the top, know about his family and his smoking habit and should be ready with any new news regarding any new films that SRK signs.

Well, from the looks of it, being a true fan seems too much work. The media has made it that way. And peer pressure has added an unnecessary dimension to this as well. If you're not anyone's fan, then you're not taken seriously in discussions. You're forced to take sides even when you don't want to be on any of them. So you give in eventually. You sport an exorbitantly expensive football club jersey even though you would have preferred to have bought new sneakers with the same money.

I thought being a fan was all about enjoying someone's work to a 'more than average' extent. And since you do enjoy that person/club/band's work more than others in that sector/work-area. you tend to follow that person/club/band's work more religiously. Is that not the purpose of following someone? Getting more bang for your buck because you are sure that your senses would be pleased when embracing your idol's work.

My two cents. A true fan is one who truly enjoys his/her idol's work. Period! A true fan needn't know much about one's idol. A true fan needn't spend every frikkin hour of his/her day thinking about one's idol. A true fan will never change his/her stance about one's idol based on peer pressure. In fact, a true fan will never form a stance on one's idol based on peer pressure. And finally, a true fan stays a true fan for life. 

110. My hand at rage comics

Well, since I'm out of ideas to write something interesting, I figured I should share some of my attempts at creating rage comics. So here goes.

Learning German

The Job Interview

After the Job Appraisal

Thought-timings

The Lunch call at work

Over the weekend

Mr. OK

109. Fleeting glimpses

You know the feeling when you feel that time is rushing by and you are desperate to cling on to those moments of effervescence which you experience along the way. Well, this aint that. Quite the opposite actually. Literally opposite. I'm in the state where I want time to rush by faster than it already is. Have I gone nuts? Why would anyone be desperate to get old quicker? Isn't it against all the 'look\feel younger' ad campaigns which we are fed 24*7 on the idiot box?

This state of mind has been superbly captured in this one classic phrase from Mr.OK - 'Khatam karo saala, jaldi khatam karo sab'. It's the cry of impatience. Of the inability to cope with all the garbage that the world is dishing out at you. Of the transition from calling everyone uncle to being called uncle by everyone. Of the societal pressures to tie the knot, play the slot and have babies that glot. Of the innumerable number of expectations that you have to meet on both the personal and professional front. Of the inability to juggle between two modes of existence: One - being treated like a kid and Two - being expected to behave like an adult.

Naturally, escaping to a new environment is the only solution that one sees when one is subjected to such a multitude of conflicts. Or the alternative is to rationalize oneself into believing that a better time is yet to come. And it is in this scenario that one wants time to fly by for the better times to come by quicker. Well, having an irrational expectation like this without any action backing it is surely bound to bomb(as a wise guy once said - 'where is the action?'). However, letting the fleeting glimpses go past you at light speed seems the only elixir to come out alive(mentally) and so you take that route.

Note - This is just mental masturbation on paper. Don't try to read between the lines. The lines seem self-explanatory I suppose.

108. Nick names

One very innocuous yet effective way to form a connect with someone is by giving him/her a nick-name. Since there's invariably something unusual about them, nick names have an amazing recall power embedded in them. The nicks may be born out of a situation or out of a personality trait or just out of the wicked genius of an idle mind. Some nicks connect so well that the actual name takes a back seat in memory. The person is forever remembered by that nick.

Well, here's some of the nicks I've had in the past. Some mild, some funny and some downright weird. 

Chachi 420

Lets say that this was the first serious long-lasting nick that I was bestowed with. Dates way back to high school. This nick evolved from a very lame initial nick called Abdul. I was called Abdul based on the WWF wrestler Abdullah(coz I was very roly poly like him). Slowly, Abdul gave way to Abdul Chacha. And then along came Kamal Hasan with the Bollywood remake of Mrs.Doubtfire. And I've been called Chachi by my school folks ever since.

Bai babu

The credit for this one goes solely to Pope. Its brutal coz its a gult slang word for a 'boob'. Rhymed with my first name and that's all it took. What made it even worse was Pope's fascination with the word 'bai'. Of the few things that he did like during the 4 years in college, using the word 'bai' in every other sentence ranks right among the top things in the list. And so this name caught on like anything. Its only 'Annayya' who gave it a twist by calling me 'bhai', sort of like 'little brother' to the big brother(Annayya). A little brother who got everything in OC, right from his T-shirts to his toothpaste.

Sad face 

A lady at the workplace gave me this name. She'd say that I always had this perennially sad/knocked-out expression whenever she'd come over to talk about work. It took me some time and convincing to tell her that it was the work that made me sad and not her presence. I feel she never bought it #Facepalm

George Bussss

A classic case of a gaming name gone bad. George Bussss was so unusual a nick that it caught on like wildfire. It had this snake-hiss kinda sound to it. I was doomed the day it was coined.

aK

A gaming name that went well with every1 in the computer lab. aK was second only to '56' and 'CoL.Fr0D' (and 'Pasta' and 'Phoenix' and 'CMToTo' and 'Necksmasher'...but not 'Fakeshadow' :p). I miss CS. Those were fun times.

A.Raja

Got this name at the workplace last year. When expanded, has to be read as 'Anubhavinchu Raja'. Its based on this song from the 70s which urges you to experience life and live it to the fullest. Why I got this name was coz I was pretty much living the dream all day everyday last year.Nice phase it was. Here's the song link - Anubhavinchu Raja

Shaani munji

Translates to 'shit face' or 'dung face'. It so happened that when I was a really small kid, I'd called an uncle with the same name. Mom and dad were red-faced and were all set to gimme the blasting of my life. But the thoughtful uncle took it sportingly and made light weather out of it. However, since then, he started addressing me with the same nick. Small price to pay when compared to getting hammered at home for bad behavior.

Naarad Muni 

During my 2 b-skool years, had this notorious reputation of being the inter and intra-batch gossip library(I shared this reputation with another great 'man'). Had also been tagged as a 'gossip queen' in an fb pic(I think the tag still exists). And who better than 'Naarad Muni' to signify my word-of-mouth marketing prowess. I consider this as an achievement no second to being the class/batch topper :p

Shree Krishna ki Vijay

More of a slogan than a nick name. But this one was brutal coz it tried to link me to a girl in the batch. Wanna know how.Just say it aloud a couple of times. And if you still don't get it, call me and I'll tell you :)

Its been a bumpy yet funny ride until now. Am positive that there are many more colorful nick names yet to be created and added to this impressive list. Fingers crossed.

107. Summer in the 90s

Some trivia to begin with. The word 'summer' actually comes from combining the Latin terms 'sum' meaning total and 'mer' meaning light.


Its actually been quite a while since I spent an entire summer in Hyderabad. I'd lived the first 16 years of my life in Hyd(school and Intermediate here only). Ever since, I've had a  vagabond-ish existence (over the last 8 to 9 years). Its been quite an experience living in so many different places. Now that I've moved back to Hyd (courtesy an amazing job change that was initially frowned upon by all and sundry), it almost feels like I've gone back in time. 


The last time I'd spent a summer in Hyderabad was in 2003. Cruel heat, cruel-er engineering college entrance examinations and relentless peer-pressure. Anyone who has prepared for IIT-JEE in AP knows what I am talking about. 


However, sans that particular summer, the ones prior to that one were totally memorable. Summer meant morning schools, exams, vacations, gully cricket, holiday homework, movies, swimming, Monopoly, tennis, and wearing total-ventilation-garments(the banian-chaddi existence) all day. Summer meant two months of carefree existence coupled with aeons of time to kill. 


The beginning of summer was always marked by the bright morning light right from 6 AM. Being a light-sleeper, I'd wake up with the first jolt of bright light. The morning air would feel different. The TV shows would change. The drinking water timings would change(filling water was my chore, coz i was pretty useless otherwise). Morning school would start off courtesy board examinations for class X.


Morning school was like the unofficial end of the year. We all knew it. We just had the exams in our way. In our way to two months of bliss. Exams also meant exam-pad cricket after an exam got over(if the next day was a holiday). 


It was that anticipation that made life interesting back then. The sign of good things to come. And the best part about the summer break was that it never disappointed. It always arrived on time. And always got along with it, loads of time to chill and while away. Summer camp, swimming classes, plastic-ball cricket, board games, WWF on TV, Video Games,Hollywood flicks, novels and relative visits - summarized a typical summer. 


Having a source of anticipation makes living easier. And although I don't have the summer break to look forward to, I'll have to figure out ways to enjoy the summer to come. Here's to another Hyderabadi summer that I shall conquer. Three cheers.

106. One handed on Valentine's eve

After having a great January, it was but natural that Feb would bring me back to the ground. Fell off my vehicle for the 1st time. No one's fault, it was just pure unadulterated shitty luck. My right side(right palm to right toe) is writhing in pain, my right palm has a red sun in it as I speak. Have been living one handed for the last couple of days now. This experience is teaching me to appreciate my erstwhile two handed life. With bruises on the right hand and a tetanus injection after-effect on the left, life's been amazing off late. Having a one handed bath dodging all the lacerated areas is like climbing the Everest upside down. Super tough and taxing :s

And all this happening on the eve of Valentine's. I couldn't have timed the fall better I feel.  Not that I had gr8 chances of getting a date this Valentine's(or on any Valentine's as a matter of fact). But I wish to believe that miracles can happen, even with me.

This is my first (and maybe only) one-handed post. Yea, typed all this with my left. Dedicating this to an old one-sided valentine who herself was/is a furious one-handed typer.

And to all my fellow readers(me, the mosquito on the monitor and the lizard near the fan), here's wishing you all a very happy Valentine's day in advance.

ps: Beware of Shiv Sainiks. Or better yet, dress up as one so that they don't trouble you :p

pps : Had written one post on Valentine's day back in 2006 (a bit amateurish must say). Here it is - http://abbchris.blogspot.in/2006/02/heart-shaped-wonders.html

105. The last week of Jan 2012

The last week of Jan 2012 has been one with a lot movement, both physically and professionally.

On the personal front, have finished 10k kilometers on my TVS Wego in the last 1 year(started driving it on Jan 1st 2011). For someone who dint know how to drive a vehicle, doing 10,000 kms in a year is kind of commendable(am doing self-dabba here :P)

I've lost 5 kilos in 1 month courtesy a change in diet and lots of exercise.

Professionally, 27th Jan marks my 1 year anniversary in the company I am currently working in. This is the first time that I've stayed in a firm for 1 whole year. The previous attempts were 6 and 8 months(not even close). So I am giving myself a pat on the back for this. Cracking interviews is one thing, staying put in the company is another.

Was given my first appraisal ever. Was given a gr8 job rating at my workplace(CRR 1), which was unexpected but I shall take it as a good sign for the things to look for in future.

Additionally, I've also been promoted. So now I have a new job title to boast about.

After weeks and months of relative inactivity, the last week of Jan has been a refreshing one with only positive happenings all over.

Am hoping that February follows suit. Fingers crossed.

104. 26*

Well, its been 365 days since I wrote this - 25*

Contrary to the year before, this year was more about doing the basics right. Not much in terms of exploring uncharted territories or doing different things or doing things differently. It was in more ways than one, an effort to 'settle' down ('settle' does sound cliche but am using it for the lack of being able to find a better word)

Had had a nomadic existence for the last 8 years(2003 to 2010) (not counting this one). When I say nomadic, I mean staying away from home and doing the 'lets go home' routine at regular time intervals. And apart from the usual 'home and back' travel, have also had the chance to go visit so many places with different sets of people(mostly friends & co-workers). This was a progression from nomadic existence to settlement living(following the footsteps of the 'Early man' about whom we read in our Social Studies books)

This year was more about re-discovering HYDERABAD, my hometown. Yes, I'd lived my first 15-16 years here (before leaving for my educational pilgrimage to Gujju land) but had not done as much loafing around during that time. It was all about going to school daily and studying hard and taking extra coaching classes and playing gully cricket for some respite from all the educational brouhaha. Have done a whole lot of 'in the city' travel in the last one year(8400 kms on my TVS Wego :D) and am absolutely loving every minute/kilometer of it.

It was also about shifting from a high-pressure job which promised the elusive 'career growth' to a low/no pressure one which promised a decent lifestyle from day 1.

Its also been a year when I have not had to plan my trips to home(coz I m already there). Its been a double bonanza of sorts, because I'm earning more than ever before and spending lesser on travel than ever before.

Its also been a year full of activity on the personal front. Have donated good amounts to charity, invested in cosmetics(and used 'em), caught up with a lot of old friends and relatives, investing my money(yea hav enuf of it to invest), making many new acquaintances and establishing a work-life balance by living healthy(morning walks, diets and meditation). These were things I'd forgotten about when I was a part of the 'career growth' race. I realized how dumb I was to forgo so many simple pleasures in exchange for something which I may or may not get eventually.

I would have loved to have shed a few pounds though, which I haven't been able to do.  But there's always time to make a new beginning. And today seems as good a day as any other. Let the pound shedding begin(once the cake+chocolates+sweets inventory is exhausted :p)  

103. Superstitions and Westernization

When our forefathers(and mothers) thought and decided on a certain set of rules & regulations that have to be followed for harmonious living, they could only think within the boundaries of what they could observe. While some of the rules they made stood the test of time, the others started losing relevance(like people who don't age gracefully, rapidly lose importance, like Britney Spears) as societies progressed and people evolved(at least they think they evolved). We started calling these rules as 'superstitions'.

Now up until the prev. generation, people were all OK with following these superstitions. They kinda took it in their stride and dint find it too taxing or troublesome to ever raise a strong voice against it. And then along came 1991(just like in every other MBA presentation) and changed the way Gen X, Gen Y and Gen Next do things. Things changed rapidly. Westernization was the order of the day.

We started to ape the West in every which way possible. I remember, when the 'show the middle-finger' phenomenon was relatively new, I'd seen a  few people show the 'ring' finger too (maybe they thought that they could raise any one of those three longer fingers between the thumb and the little one, two fingers which already had symbolic Indian meanings, namely 'the urge to drink water' and 'the urge to go take a piss')

While so much was going on, our superstitions remained as they were, unable to tide the 'crossover' effect. And this is where many of them took a funny turn as well. A supposedly western way of living juxtaposed with the age-old Indian way brings up many hilarious/awkward situations. Wondering how ? Here's how.

Superstition #1 Don't step on the vermillion-garnished lemon-chill-strung-together combo(meant to ward off demons) when you go out. Just walk past it without stepping on it.

Now this can be done when someone is walking at a speed of 3-4 kmph. (Walking must've been the only mode of transport when this superstition was coined. And no one likes stepping on lemon+chilly when one is walking bare foot because it burns like crazy.) Try avoiding a lemon-chilli on the road when you're in your Ducati/Pulsar/watever zipping through at a speed of 100+ kmph. You can't. You do step on it. At least I can't avoid it even on my TVS Wego (yea its got 'body balance', but still). And if you are one of those who doesn't want to take the risk of the "ire of the superstition", you will go and tell this at home. And an elaborate set of rituals and poojas(on your foot) will ensue. And your feet will never look or feel or smell the same ever again.

Superstition #2 Once you've attended a funeral, you should enter your house from behind and not from the front

This may have had relevance back in the pre-historic era where the 'well'(source of water) was generally in the backyard. But asking me to enter my flat (which only has one entrance) from behind whenever I come back after attending a funeral basically translates to asking me to do a Spider-man (enters his room from the window each time he slips out to fight crime) each time.

Superstition #3 Hang a pumpkin outside the house before you move into it for the first time.

Now, my landlord is a Roman Catholic who had fixed a cross above the entry door when he was living in that apartment. If I go ahead and hang a pumpkin in front of the cross, I'm afraid that the Christ figurine on that cross may re-use the famous dialogue from the movie 'Vennela' - "Pumpkin akka, jara pakkaki jarugutaava. Prapancham kanipistaledu" (Please move, I am not able to see the universe)

Superstition #4 Cutting/Trimming the finger nails

Well, this rage comic(my creation only) manages to capture the gist of the 'timing the nail cutting' phenomenon. (its the same for hair cutting also)

Superstition 5# If a black cat crosses your path, your task will not be completed and bad luck will befall on you

Well, it must have taken millions of black cats to cross so many people's paths with the way the economic recession has spread bad luck the world over. There's so much talk of bad lucka round nowadays. Its come to a point where if a human crosses a black cat's path, its task will not be completed coz it will be jinxed by the human (and not the other way around).

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And the list goes on and on. All contributions to this list are welcome. I am sure there are many more interesting superstitions out there which have to be captured :)

PS: Have written this on a lighter note. Please don't get offended. Just having some fun at the superstition's expense(as it has had at my expense all my life).