114. Dial 'M' for Marriage (Part 4) - The first 'arranged' call

As a participant observer to several steps of this process(the 'arranged marriage' process), I've been privileged enough to witness/experience this ritual called the first 'arranged' call.

Background

Now what is an 'arranged' call you may ask. Well, its pretty much like a 'before the blind date' call, only with an extra dash of religion and astrology to it. Since technology has leapfrogged ahead with religion left gasping to come to terms with it, we're seeing new rituals being incorporated as a part of the entire 'arranged' process. This 'arranged' call is one such ritual which has come into being(created by the elders to this generation) where the elders find it within religious and spiritual limits to let the prospects(prospective guy and girl) talk to each other over the phone before the final 'go-ahead' decision is to-be taken by both the parties.

But before letting technology bridge the compatibility gap between the two prospects(prospective guy and girl, to reiterate), the elders use far more superior techniques to conclusively determine compatibility between the prospects. They seek guidance from the stars, the planets, the gods in heaven and the astrologer/pujari/yogi/shaman living across the street to understand the prospective future of the prospects living together. Only after the stars, the planets, the neighborhood temple priest and the local cop give their approval, can technology be introduced to find out if at all there is any compatibility. Pretty much like the 'License Raj' system during colonial times.

Before the call - The preparation(or the lack of it)

Once all the approvals from the heavens and the god-men are in place, the guy is given the go ahead to call the girl (Why is it that the guy has to take the initiative always? Is this not a generation which believes that men and women are equal ? Anyways....) The guy is clueless(as usual). Probably the first time that he has been asked to call a stranger where the stranger also knows that he would be calling her up. He calls up his friends who are either engaged or married for some tips on how to negotiate the first few minutes of conversation. The guys who got 'love married' prove to be of no use(since they never had to do this) while the ones who got 'arranged married' spoke very little or did not get a chance to speak at all(only smile from a distance).

So the guy now back at square one, thinks of ways to get through the first few minutes trying not to be a complete jackass. Says to himself - This is like answering the 'Tell me about yourself' question which you had prepared for during your MBA placements. Only need to change the last sentence. Replace 'Which is why I feel I can be a valuable asset to your company' with 'Which is why I feel I can be a dependable life-partner'. 

Since he's very confident that he'll go blank right after saying 'Hi', he writes down a list of things to talk about.

1. Weather in all the major cities

2. The India-England Test match series

3. Pani Puri

4.  Bats hiding behind the Air Conditioner in the gym

Before making the call, he ensures that there's no one eavesdropping on the conversation(except the wall lizard on the right corner).

The call

The call itself is like a cryptic telephonic interview where both sides are interviewing each other for the same job position(that of a life-partner). It starts of with a 'Hello' instead of a 'Hi' as the guy imagined it to be. 

Guy - Hi...

Girl - Hello...

Guy - Hello...

Girl  - Hi...

<<Awkward Pause>>

Guy - How are things at your end ?

Girl  - Fine. How are things at your end ?

Guy - Fine.

<<Awkward Pause>>

<<Awkward Pause>>

Guy - So, I hear its pleasant weather in Bangalore now.

Girl - Yaa, it is. Soporific weather.

Guy - Oh great!

<<Awkward Pause>>

<<Awkward Pause>>

<<Awkward Pause>>

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<<Continues>>

After the call

Once the call is over, the guy is supposed to report back to his elders with either a confirmation or the rejection. He asks for time and for a few more phone calls but all his requests fall to deaf ears. And so, due to reasonable doubt, he answers with a rejection. To add fuel to fire, the elders later get to know from the girl's parents that the girl has also rejected this guy.

After 10 years

While playing with his brother's kids, he recalls the rejection and of all the brilliant vibrant topics he could have thought of during that one potentially-life-altering phone call. And then one of the kids playfully kicks him in the nuts. He screams.