105. The last week of Jan 2012

The last week of Jan 2012 has been one with a lot movement, both physically and professionally.

On the personal front, have finished 10k kilometers on my TVS Wego in the last 1 year(started driving it on Jan 1st 2011). For someone who dint know how to drive a vehicle, doing 10,000 kms in a year is kind of commendable(am doing self-dabba here :P)

I've lost 5 kilos in 1 month courtesy a change in diet and lots of exercise.

Professionally, 27th Jan marks my 1 year anniversary in the company I am currently working in. This is the first time that I've stayed in a firm for 1 whole year. The previous attempts were 6 and 8 months(not even close). So I am giving myself a pat on the back for this. Cracking interviews is one thing, staying put in the company is another.

Was given my first appraisal ever. Was given a gr8 job rating at my workplace(CRR 1), which was unexpected but I shall take it as a good sign for the things to look for in future.

Additionally, I've also been promoted. So now I have a new job title to boast about.

After weeks and months of relative inactivity, the last week of Jan has been a refreshing one with only positive happenings all over.

Am hoping that February follows suit. Fingers crossed.

104. 26*

Well, its been 365 days since I wrote this - 25*

Contrary to the year before, this year was more about doing the basics right. Not much in terms of exploring uncharted territories or doing different things or doing things differently. It was in more ways than one, an effort to 'settle' down ('settle' does sound cliche but am using it for the lack of being able to find a better word)

Had had a nomadic existence for the last 8 years(2003 to 2010) (not counting this one). When I say nomadic, I mean staying away from home and doing the 'lets go home' routine at regular time intervals. And apart from the usual 'home and back' travel, have also had the chance to go visit so many places with different sets of people(mostly friends & co-workers). This was a progression from nomadic existence to settlement living(following the footsteps of the 'Early man' about whom we read in our Social Studies books)

This year was more about re-discovering HYDERABAD, my hometown. Yes, I'd lived my first 15-16 years here (before leaving for my educational pilgrimage to Gujju land) but had not done as much loafing around during that time. It was all about going to school daily and studying hard and taking extra coaching classes and playing gully cricket for some respite from all the educational brouhaha. Have done a whole lot of 'in the city' travel in the last one year(8400 kms on my TVS Wego :D) and am absolutely loving every minute/kilometer of it.

It was also about shifting from a high-pressure job which promised the elusive 'career growth' to a low/no pressure one which promised a decent lifestyle from day 1.

Its also been a year when I have not had to plan my trips to home(coz I m already there). Its been a double bonanza of sorts, because I'm earning more than ever before and spending lesser on travel than ever before.

Its also been a year full of activity on the personal front. Have donated good amounts to charity, invested in cosmetics(and used 'em), caught up with a lot of old friends and relatives, investing my money(yea hav enuf of it to invest), making many new acquaintances and establishing a work-life balance by living healthy(morning walks, diets and meditation). These were things I'd forgotten about when I was a part of the 'career growth' race. I realized how dumb I was to forgo so many simple pleasures in exchange for something which I may or may not get eventually.

I would have loved to have shed a few pounds though, which I haven't been able to do.  But there's always time to make a new beginning. And today seems as good a day as any other. Let the pound shedding begin(once the cake+chocolates+sweets inventory is exhausted :p)  

103. Superstitions and Westernization

When our forefathers(and mothers) thought and decided on a certain set of rules & regulations that have to be followed for harmonious living, they could only think within the boundaries of what they could observe. While some of the rules they made stood the test of time, the others started losing relevance(like people who don't age gracefully, rapidly lose importance, like Britney Spears) as societies progressed and people evolved(at least they think they evolved). We started calling these rules as 'superstitions'.

Now up until the prev. generation, people were all OK with following these superstitions. They kinda took it in their stride and dint find it too taxing or troublesome to ever raise a strong voice against it. And then along came 1991(just like in every other MBA presentation) and changed the way Gen X, Gen Y and Gen Next do things. Things changed rapidly. Westernization was the order of the day.

We started to ape the West in every which way possible. I remember, when the 'show the middle-finger' phenomenon was relatively new, I'd seen a  few people show the 'ring' finger too (maybe they thought that they could raise any one of those three longer fingers between the thumb and the little one, two fingers which already had symbolic Indian meanings, namely 'the urge to drink water' and 'the urge to go take a piss')

While so much was going on, our superstitions remained as they were, unable to tide the 'crossover' effect. And this is where many of them took a funny turn as well. A supposedly western way of living juxtaposed with the age-old Indian way brings up many hilarious/awkward situations. Wondering how ? Here's how.

Superstition #1 Don't step on the vermillion-garnished lemon-chill-strung-together combo(meant to ward off demons) when you go out. Just walk past it without stepping on it.

Now this can be done when someone is walking at a speed of 3-4 kmph. (Walking must've been the only mode of transport when this superstition was coined. And no one likes stepping on lemon+chilly when one is walking bare foot because it burns like crazy.) Try avoiding a lemon-chilli on the road when you're in your Ducati/Pulsar/watever zipping through at a speed of 100+ kmph. You can't. You do step on it. At least I can't avoid it even on my TVS Wego (yea its got 'body balance', but still). And if you are one of those who doesn't want to take the risk of the "ire of the superstition", you will go and tell this at home. And an elaborate set of rituals and poojas(on your foot) will ensue. And your feet will never look or feel or smell the same ever again.

Superstition #2 Once you've attended a funeral, you should enter your house from behind and not from the front

This may have had relevance back in the pre-historic era where the 'well'(source of water) was generally in the backyard. But asking me to enter my flat (which only has one entrance) from behind whenever I come back after attending a funeral basically translates to asking me to do a Spider-man (enters his room from the window each time he slips out to fight crime) each time.

Superstition #3 Hang a pumpkin outside the house before you move into it for the first time.

Now, my landlord is a Roman Catholic who had fixed a cross above the entry door when he was living in that apartment. If I go ahead and hang a pumpkin in front of the cross, I'm afraid that the Christ figurine on that cross may re-use the famous dialogue from the movie 'Vennela' - "Pumpkin akka, jara pakkaki jarugutaava. Prapancham kanipistaledu" (Please move, I am not able to see the universe)

Superstition #4 Cutting/Trimming the finger nails

Well, this rage comic(my creation only) manages to capture the gist of the 'timing the nail cutting' phenomenon. (its the same for hair cutting also)

Superstition 5# If a black cat crosses your path, your task will not be completed and bad luck will befall on you

Well, it must have taken millions of black cats to cross so many people's paths with the way the economic recession has spread bad luck the world over. There's so much talk of bad lucka round nowadays. Its come to a point where if a human crosses a black cat's path, its task will not be completed coz it will be jinxed by the human (and not the other way around).

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And the list goes on and on. All contributions to this list are welcome. I am sure there are many more interesting superstitions out there which have to be captured :)

PS: Have written this on a lighter note. Please don't get offended. Just having some fun at the superstition's expense(as it has had at my expense all my life).

102. Banality

When banality and triteness are the predominantly experienced feelings, then its a clear indicator that you're on the other side of life, the drearier side. Yea, ppl might come up and say "You're just 25, your whole life is ahead of you." Well to be frank, its the other way round. I'm of the firm opinion that mankind goes in pursuit of elusive things like happiness and 'true love' companionship only after it realizes that there's nothing else left to do in this lifetime. Hunting for ways and means to fill the void, all in the pursuit of the elusive emotion 'happy-ness'.

And coupled with banality and triteness comes sarcasm, their evil half-brother counterpart. Everything seems funny, albeit due to anger over the prevailing irrationality in and around you.

The urge to set things right, to scream and shake things up is long gone. There's a prevailing calm. Withdrawal from everything materialistic is the probable forecast for the near future. Naturally, this gets supplemented with an aggressive interest in religion and abstract topics like time and evolution.

ps : Just wrote what came to mind. No event trigger for this one. This aint exactly a rant either. Its more of a transient state of mind. One you get when you're nearing another b'day :s

101. The Braggable List

Preparing bucket lists has become a fad nowadays (thanks partially to Jack Nicholson in the movie 'The Bucket  List' and its sadly remade Hindi version as well.) I for one am not endowed with the ability to think so far and think so much either. What I do wanna do in response to these bucket lists is prepare an own list of mine. I call it the 'Braggable List'.

The idea is pretty simple. Do anything that can be bragged about in front of your friends or family or even random ppl on the street. It can range from using up an entire bottle of Iodex spray on an imaginary sprain that you thought you had(but actually did not according to the doc) to flirting with an old flame (who is married now) to wearing a  different sock on each foot when u're headed to give a presentation to reusing a Domino's discount coupon for the 138th time to peeing on a Harley Davidson when the owner is not around.It can be banal, value-less and gibberish in every way. But its gotto be braggable, that's all.

When you make your Bucket List, if you intend to add a banal activity to it and you happen to tell ppl about it, you risk the chance of being perceived as shallow(coz its ur final list, one for this lifetime), which you don't want to be perceived as, so you'll strike that banal activity off your list, which you should not, coz its you frikkin list, but you will, coz you're a scared timid society-conforming creature.

The best thing about this list is you don't need to have any inhibitions when you prepare the list. You can add whatever you like to brag about. And you can have many lists. Unlike the 'Bucket List' which has to be just the one list and has to be thoughtful and full of meaning and groovy too, the 'Braggable List' is much more chilled out and does not require you to rack your brains as much. Life is too short to spend a half of it to create a thoughtful list and the other half to edit it so that it looks socially acceptable in every sense. The best thing about bragging is that anything can be made to sound cool and groovy as long as its bragged about in the right way. The people around you are as insecure about their shallow lives and as scared of death as you are, but its your brag tales that makes them think that you have it all figured out(which you have not but creating a confident impression always works.)

So people, go ahead and make your Braggable Lists and start working on them. If you change your mind on a list after sometime, make another and work on that one. Or just brag about the one you already made, coz creating this list is a braggable activity in itself :)

100. Proust questionnaire

The Proust Questionnaire is a questionnaire about one's personality. Its name and modern popularity as a form of interview is owed to the responses given by the French writer Marcel Proust - source Wikipedia


I figured that I'd do at 25 what Proust did at 13 and 20, which is answer this questionnaire. Not a bad way to commemorate 6 years of blogging(credit goes to a special someone who asked me to start writing in the first place)


Your most marked characteristic?
Easy-going fun lover, Clumsy and humorous


The quality you most like in a man?
Composure, sense of purpose


The quality you most like in a woman?
Effervescence, Enchantment


What do you most value in your friends?
They add greatly to my understanding of the universe.


What is your principle defect?
I build castles in the air. All planning and no execution.


What is your favorite occupation?
I like to read snippets about random anythings. 


What is your dream of happiness?
Happiness for me is momentary. And I can conjure up many such moments which would be equally delightful. But in the spirit of the question, I shall say that I dream to do something substantial for underprivileged kids and dream of attaining happiness once I've done that (which I may or may not attain)


What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
Losing your loved ones. 


What would you like to be?
Thin


In what country would you like to live?
From all that I've seen, I think Germany


What is your favorite color?
Turquoise. I'll fall for any girl wearing anything turquoise. Its that a brilliant color


What is your favorite flower?
Cauliflower


What is your favorite bird?
The Bat. Its such a fragile yet scary mammal


Who are your favorite prose writers?
John Grisham, Khaled Hosseini, Nicholas Nassim Taleb 


Who are your favorite poets?
Kabirdas, Vemana, Alfred Lord Tennyson 


Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Spiderman. Kudos to Stan Lee for creating an amazing character


Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
Abby Mcdeere from 'The Firm' and Reggie Love from 'The Client'


Who are your favorite composers?
A.R.Rahman, Hans Zimmer, Illayaraja, Eric Clapton, Rammstein


Who are your favorite painters?
Don't really follow art. But the two Karthik(s) I know are brilliant. (Karthik Talloju and PSK Kartheek)


Who are your heroes in real life?
All the lone crusaders behind lost causes - Irom Sharmila for instance


Who are your favorite heroines of history?
Golda Meir 


What are your favorite names?
Recently, I've been given the name A.Raja, which is an abbreviated form for 'Anubhavinchu Raja' (a classic song title from the 70s)


What is it you most dislike?
high handedness


What historical figures do you most despise?
Aurangazeb, Cornvallis 


What event in military history do you most admire?
Little Boy and Fat man


What reform do you most admire?
The RTI Act 2005 


What natural gift would you most like to possess?
To never age :p I need more time to see the world


How would you like to die?
I wouldn't like it any which way


What is your present state of mind?
Pensive


To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Gluttony. I eat like there's no tomorrow sometimes. I think every man should have two stomachs, one internal and one external (pluggable like an external HDD)


What is your motto?
Live within limited means

99. My vehicle, yen vandi, meri gaadi, naa bandi

Riding a vehicle was always a very big deal for me. Simply because I'd never done it ever before. You may argue its not a big deal anymore since most of you would have learnt how to ride a bike when you were in high school(some even in primary school). But for me, it was. Up until high school, the APSRTC was good enuf to get me to school and back home. And after that, staying in a hostel pretty much dint require me to learn the art of driving since there were many others who knew how to. I belonged to the urban minority who dint know how to drive anything(even a bullock cart).

And our gender-bender society is such that it only expects all its men folk to have this skill. Women folk are exempted. They have their boyfriends or 'just friends' who are ever ready to take them out on their vehicles. Talk about gender equality, no equality in this case.

Anyways, Abhay Krishna did not know how to drive a vehicle, especially a 2 wheeler for the first 25 years of his existence. Nothing to be proud of, but that is how it was. A notion that I would never ever learn to ride a bike was getting deep-rooted in my head. One's inability to do something feeds on itself, grows in size in the mind until it eventually becomes so gigantic that it cannot be uprooted at all.

When I told this to my zonal head in Idea Cellular, he laughed. How was I supposed to work as a sales guy without owning a vehicle. It was insane. Well, certain things change for the better, however late. Lemme put it in question answer form to be convenient.

Q. After so many years, how did you suddenly get the motivation to learn driving ?
Ans: It was as sudden as the increase in the pressure from my zonal head, asking me to get more and more sales numbers from my territory. My boss wanted numbers. I wanted to hear lesser gaalis. This was the only way out. Sad but true.

Q. When did you learn how to drive a 2 wheeler ?
Ans: New Year's Eve. Dec 31st 2010. Wanted to start off the new year with a bang. While the whole city was busy consuming alcohol and puking all over public spaces, I for one was driving my 2 wheeler in the lanes and by lanes of a fairly quiet colony. Now I drive pretty well. Almost 6k kms done. Am a reformed man.

Q. Why TVS Wego ? Why not an Activa or a Pulsar or a Yamaha ?
Ans: Good question. Having never driven one before, I wanted to go for a more hassle free and quick to learn kind of vehicle. And I was told by my sales colleagues that scooters were better when it came to driving thru narrow lanes in villages during the sales call. The Activa was on top of my mind but that was the case with hundreds of others as well. It had a lead time of 8 months (festival season, so many bookings had been done at that time). The sales guy told me that he could only get me this vehicle in 2 weeks. And it was 9k lesser than Activa. I said yes. By the time I got my vehicle, I had quit the sales job. So that is the story in short.

Q. How was the first ride on the main road ?
Ans: Scary, downright scary. I was driving at 20-25 kmph and even cycle fellows overtook me. (I still don't go over 50 kmph :p)

Its been 8 months since I started driving the Wego. And its been 8 scary and cautious but eventful and glorious months. From not knowing how to ride a bike to getting a recent compliment from a friend that I am a safe bet when it comes to driving, I have come a long way :)

I don't leave the house 2 hours in advance to get to a far out place anymore. I don't carry change in my pocket for the bus ticket anymore. I make it to many more events now and I make it on time as well. Agreed that driving is no pleasant experience in Hyderabad, but I'm having fun. I still enjoy the cool breeze that hits my balding forehead whenever I hit the accelerator on my Wego. Little joys, I'm still a kid.

There are two morals to be imbibed from this short story (especially for those of you who are yet to learn the two wheeler)


1. Don't wait until its too late. This is true for anything in life. Its better to take the 'leap of faith' early. (Otherwise you'd have to do it under pressure later, like I had to learn the vehicle)


2. Look for motivations to complete a task(learning to drive in this case), rather than waiting for the motivation to come and look for you (the boss in my case). Hell, if someone as paranoid as me could do it, you surely can do it.

ps : That's how my vehicle looks. Nothing too fancy but it does the job. And keeps me happy :)

98. Cubicles and ogre chicks

This post is an extension of the basic idea presented in an older post of mine - Cubicles and cute chicks

Well, this is my second stint in the world of cubicles. It feels good being back. The plush offices, the food courts, the pretty ppl, the carpeted floors...am loving it all. Although, there were some things that dint go well with me during my first stint in this arena (its been 4 years since). One of 'em was the constant annoyance created by the men folk who'd crowd around a semi-cute looking girl's desk(yes, she was a girl, barely a major) who happened to sit right next to me in the cubicle.

If you've read the earlier post(which I think you shud), you would know that the person I was referring to as 'Phoolan' was the semi-cute chick who used to sit to my right in the office cubicle. My current cubicle situation is not very different. I'm the only member of the stronger sex in that cube. To my right is the team lead, vastly experienced, married and has the answers to all your questions(ahem...I mean technical questions). To her right is another senior team member who is so busy coding and scheduling meetings that she hardly ever stares outside of the 14' screen in front of her. To her right(and to my immediate left) is the apple of my eye, the bump of my nose, the shit remains of my slippers: the ogre chick 'Fiona', the new joinee fresh out of college.

Now if I tell you that Phoolan was a fairy-tale version of what Fiona is, you'd think that I am exaggerating. But that is so not the case. Here are the reasons.

The male entourage

On the one hand, Phoolan did have her male entourage, but they were just a regular bunch of despo guys salivating at the sight of a semi cute chick. On the other hand, Fiona has her male posse which comprises of the retarded yo-man-i-dont-know-why-i-show-up-like-a-dick dude, the guy with the my-chest-has-to-be-1 meter-ahead-of-the-rest-of-my-body-at-all-times kind of walking style, the giggle-o who always giggles screechingly no matter what and the boil-faced fellow ogre who gives guest appearances at times. So there we have it - Retarded Dude (RD), Chest Man(CM), Giggle-o (GG) and Boil face (BF)...this is Fiona's posse. Its a noisy, filthy and uncouth collection of uncivil neanderthals. Imagine a Skeletor or a Gollum trying to flirt with a creature who is equally as bizarre(say an Ursula or a Cruella)  in an even more bizarre manner. Welcome to my world :( 

The chick

Phoolan was pretty, at least semi-cute. She had a rising smile and she knew how to carry herself around the salivating mongrels. And I haven't told this ever before, but she also had a sweet voice. Now Fiona is like Phoolan's mirror image(only if the mirror is dipped in dirt and taken out of Retarded Dude's ass). Ok, she's not pretty. Nowhere close to that even. She's got a pigmented face, pigmented teeth and mutant body odor. She doesn't talk, she brays. She doesn't whisper, she brays. She doesn't gesture to call someone, she brays. Her voice box is a cross between MTV's Udham Singh and Times Now's Arnab Goswami (sad that this voice box had to be given to a woman). Guys at the other end of the floor have asked me about the donkey-like brays being heard from near my cube(It's Fiona on the desk phone talking sweet-nothings to one of her entourage members). I've told them that it must be the faulty electrical wiring that's making the funny noises.(But I know sooner or later that they'll find out and make fun of my pathetic condition)

Work Load
Phoolan used to remain engrossed in her work and she knew how to use her work as a weapon to ward off unnecessary advances from the despo kings. But Fiona has no work. Nor does any of her irritating posse members. And from the looks of it, she doesn't even want any work. She seems pretty content braying on her desk phone all day picking calls from her group of followers.

The support

There used to be times when the older guys in the cube would take a harsh stand and ward off the despo guys away from Phoolan's desk. This used to happen once in a while, but it was a very important sanity check for all of us to remain normal. But over here, the other women folk of the cube have not done their bit to try and stop this animal. That is because they themselves engage in excessive low-volume banter from time to time. And I'm like the only silent sufferer bearing all this on a daily basis. 

Presence of mind
At times, Phoolan would get the negative vibe from the cube and she'd then decide to shift the action to the cafeteria or any other place far away from the cube. But Fiona, being the new and un-groomed ogre that she is, is yet to learn the tricks of the trade. And we're all hoping that she learns 'em soon, so that we all can be spared of the daily harassment that she and her entourage are putting us through nowadays.

I need a raise because I am working in such exceptional work conditions :)

97. Everybody loves Advice

Hi. I'm 'Advice'. Here in India, people love to give me away to anyone and everyone. Most people don't even know me for what I am. They don't even know what to do with me. So they mutilate me until they think I am sell-able in their market. Which is why, when they give me away, I cease to be what I was, when I was given birth to. And this distortion multiplies with each send-receive transaction where I get mutilated and then forwarded. Sometimes, I'm created in their idle minds, so that they can give me away to seek attention and importance. 

I flicked this intro style from Everybody Loves Raymond coz it works. Its true. We Indians love giving advice. If there's one thing...no wait...if there are two things that cut across all our cultural and regional boundaries, one of 'em would be giving advice(unsolicited and ill-informed) and the other would be cutting queues.

It doesn't matter who we're giving it to, but we just wanna give advice at every possible opportunity. It could be a close friend or an ex-girlfriend or a happy neighbor or the gay stranger who winks at you in the bus. Here are a few prototypes of people who give advice.

The drunk stranger
The other day, a drunk guy(a typical 40+ aged burnt out software professional, with that tag on his neck) started giving us gyaan about how we should work hard and learn thoroughly about technologies(ERP), failing which we would be screwed by our clients/customers overseas. This was outside a dhaba as we were getting ready to head back to our homes.

A college junior(sloshed out of his wits) once came up to me and said Sirjee...you should start acting in films...you look like that villain from the movie 'Wanted'.

The concerned friend
Your friend circle will invariably have this one guy/gal who will give his/her opinion on everything you do. They'll also tell you that they are telling it for your own good, that they share their opinion with you only because you are amongst their 'best' friends. Lemme mention two such encounters.

Scenario 1 : Monday morning...7 am...getting ready for work...the friend had stayed overnight coz of the heavy rains(although I was praying for the rains to stop so that he could leave)...I pour my cereal and milk in the cereal bowl and wait for it to settle.

Friend : Why do you always eat cereal ?
Me : I find it tasty and its healthy as well
Friend: Take my advice, don't eat cereals daily. Eat normal breakfast items also sometimes
Me: Who told you that cereals are not 'normal' ?
Friend :  You should not eat the same thing everyday. Its not good for your health. I read it somewhere.
Me : Cereals have various varieties. I don't eat the same thing everyday.
Friend : Your wish. As a friend, I told you what I thought. Its up to you if you don't want to listen.
Me : Why do people piss me off on a Monday morning! ....sigh


Observation : Did I ask for his humble opinion...no...did he listen to my defense about the variety in cereals...no


Scenario 2 : Friday morning...its wear-casuals day at work...went in a basic jeans and T-shirt attire...The friend comes over

Friend: Why do you wear such loose-fit jeans ?
Me : I like 'em this way. Don't prefer skin tights.
Friend: Its so plain, got no design either.
Me : As I said, I prefer it this way.
Friend : Then why buy a jeans at all !
Me(dumbfounded) : What are you saying man ?
Friend : Jeans are supposed to be with designs and cuts and fades and are supposed to look flashy. You should also buy such jeans.
Me : But why should they be flashy ? why not plain ?
Friend : You see. I am good when it comes to design and patterns. I designed the interiors for my house.
Me : Isn't interior design very different from fabric design ?
Friend : I also have a good idea about fabrics.
Me : How ?
Friend: I keep reading about fabrics and designs in magazines.
Me : Name a few magazines.
Friend: I don't remember the names. I read them when I visit the barber for my monthly hair cut.
Me : Wow
Friend: I also recommend  different designs to people.
Me : Which people ?
Friend : My family yaar.
Me : So you're basing your advice on a few barber-shop magazines and your cloth recommendations to the five members in your family. Do you understand that your observation set is very very small and that you may give advice based on half-knowledge or no knowledge at all.
Friend : As a friend, I thought I should help you out with your clothing selection. I am not saying I am an expert but that i have some idea about all this.
Me : All I'm saying is that some idea is not good enough :)
Friend : You are being such a pain and not taking my advice also. Some idiot friends always do what they want.
Me : Watever I don't wanna spoil my mood on a fine Friday.


Observation : When you ask questions that scratch the surface, all of what every1 knows seems superficial. People are so superficial, yet so opinionated.


The neighboring uncle
They are the worst kind. The ones who will assert their seniority and at the same time not respect your opinions about anything. They always think that we youngsters are brash, uncouth, always out on the roads,  drinking our wits out and having meaningless sex in manholes.

Scenario : Uncle comes to our home. Calls me as I am leaving for a movie.

Uncle : Hey, you've worked in Idea right. You are the right person to ask doubts. Come and sit.
Me(hoping this ends soon) : Yes uncle, tell me.
Uncle  : What is the price of this iPhone in the market ? (holding an iphone in his hand...a US piece)
Me : starting price is 34k uncle. goes upto 40k i think.
Uncle  : How is that possible ? I got this for some $400 in the US. That means 20k. What you're saying is wrong.
Me : This is what I know. May be I am wrong. I have to leave now.
Uncle  : Take my advice. Don't keep roaming around in the hot sun. Sit at home and relax, like me and your dad.

As I leave, he starts talking about the problems with the 'young' generation with my dad. 

The boss - when you join 
Boss : You will need to work very hard and slog it out. Take my advice. Your pedigree is of no use in the professional arena.
What he means to say is that you will need to lick his ass until it sparkles.


The boss - when you quit
Boss : We didn't expect this from you. Take my advice, reconsider your decision. Give it a second thought and come back to me in the evening.
You imbecile, why on earth would you think that I haven't given it a second or a third or a fifty fourth thought ! Its always well thought out!

Well, this could go on and on. So many advice giving people. Would encourage the readers to mention some of their experiences too...After all, we've all been victims to unsolicited advice on many occasions rite :)

96. Dial 'M' for marriage

When are you going to get married ? - my parents to me
Did you know, Mr.Sharma's daughter got married to a Spanish transvestite it seems - 'Aaj Tak' to me
We just uploaded our honeymoon pics on Facebook - the couple to every1 on fb 
You've got gray hair. Its time to get married - a wicked banshee to me
Kaushik's marriage was very grand. They spent 35 lakhs on the function alone - my grandma to my ma
That Niraj asshole is married. Even he aint a virgin anymore(or so he thinks) - a jilted lover to me 
What kind of girl are you looking for? Tell us son - a know-it-all uncle to me
By the time I finish my PHD, your second wife's third son would be in engineering. (ok this was a bit off the mark, but its a marriage one liner nonetheless) - a joke amongst a circle of friends
The makeovers which women go thru to start looking 'marry-able' nowadays would put Jassi to shame - me to all you readers :)

So much of banter around the 'M' word nowadays, its kinda giving me the creeps. If you have to make fun of someone, take a dig at him/her still being unmarried. If you wanna brag about your friend's uncle's status, talk about the way he conducted his daughter's marriage. Its everywhere, like a plague, a virus.

Family ties

You really hate it when ppl at home start to quiz you on marriage.
Mom : Son, when do you plan to get married ?
Me : Not for another two years at least
Mom : 2 years aaa (followed by a long pause and a contorted disappointed face expression)

Hell, they were not so upset even when I messed up my IIT-JEE entrance. You also hate it when some know-it-all-uncles and cant-talk-about-anything-else aunties pass snide remarks and try to be witty(read shitty) at your expense. And you can't care less about all the dowry talk, the money spent in conducting an arbit third degree cousin's wedding whom you've never met and don't give a shit about.


Peer pressure

Everyone, I mean absolutely everyone around you is getting married. Be it your colleague, your clg senior, your junior and even your office janitor. They've all found their 'love of their life' apparently. So much so that two friends in college who are married now hang out with their wives. Its turned into the classic - Hum do hamaare do thing.

This 'find your love' process is not for everyone...especially for those who aint rich or smart or both.
Retard : Dude, we're neither rich nor smart, how will we ever get a girl ?Even if a girl does like me...I wonder, there's gotto be something wrong with her to like a boner like me!

And when you see that one married batchmate of yours has added another married batchmate's wife on facebook, you wanna laugh until your lungs give way.

Rejections

You get to hear weird reasons for rejecting proposals, both by the men and the women folk.

He doesn't want to settle in the US

He doesn't know whether he wants to or doesn't want to settle in the US

He said he could not cook and was looking for someone who dint need his help

He looks like Prakash Raj

She has a tattoo

She hung out with the rival gang in college

She has crooked teeth

She won't be able to get enuf dowry

Beats me. If you don't wanna get married, just say it. Sometimes, there are no reasons for what we do (like we did engineering....then we did an mba too...all without reason :p)  


Secret agent 007

At times, you may be given secret-agent-like assignments to find out details about people you don't know. This is a part of the background check that both the sides(the bride and the groom) indulge in, to dig deep and look out for murky details. That person may be your colleague at work or may have been your senior/junior in college or may have no connection with you watsoever. But you gotto make the connections, make it happen. Because 'they' want all the details and you are the one they are banking on for 'em(all this without the other person knowing of this).

At times, you may be asked to give opinions on people you know a little, no matter how little that is. The questions may range from the regular ones like a 'ladka/ladki ka chakkar' or a 'smoke/drink ka chakkar' to some weird ones like a 'Is there a mole on the nose?' or a 'Is that a toupee?' or a 'Does her ex-boyfriend's name start with M?'. 

So much of marriage talk around, can I be blamed for writing this post centered around it :)

95. Burnt your fingers

The last couple of months have been nothing short of splendid. After having had a life-scarring tenure at my previous job, I needed this welcome change real bad. Its all relativity. The things that I could/did not appreciate earlier have started meaning so much to me now.

The big guy who'd come to give the welcome address on the day of joining said (yes, this is my third job joining day, its kinda getting boring now) - 'You guys have burnt your fingers in the outside world and then come to us, the mothership. So we expect you to appreciate what we're offering and also respect it by not jumping to another job in the near future'.

Every ounce of watever he'd said made sense. Not only do I like this place, i have also started living well. When I say living well, what I mean is that I am making/finding time to get up on time, eat on time, go to work on time, read good books , goto a gym, catch up with old friends and chill at hangouts on weekends. I've learnt to balance my time, appreciate watever upar-vala (god, the cosmic truth) has given me and am trying my best to live well :)

This post is just a happy overtone. Nothing funny about it (intentional or unintentional)

94. With the hair specialist

The title takes its inspiration from Stephen Leacock's 'With the photographer' in which the author conveys the hardships he faces when he goes to a photographer to get his picture taken. I've given this an MBA touch by incorporating this post into a 'buyer decision making framework' which has 5 stages apparently.

Stage 1 : Problem Recognition (Realization dawns)

One fine day, you go take a look at yourself in the mirror. You focus on the hair...your image turns black&white and you suddenly start to hear shallow echoes from the background.

(echo) you don't need a comb anymore...ha ha (/echo)
(echo) taklu uncle (/echo)
(echo) you balding balderdash (/echo)
(echo) An idea can change your life (/echo)

And then you resolve to do something about it. You don't know what or how. But you decide to be a 'self-starter' (fake MBA-jargon)

Stage 2 : Information Search (Looking for help from anywhere and everywhere)

Suddenly, you start paying attention to all the 'Before-After' ads in the TV and newspapers. You also think twice before deleting every 'hair-growth-promotion' SMS that you get from a certain homeopath(et)ic firm. You start looking for receding hair-lines in people just to get the reassurance that you aint the only one who is losing hair by the second. You also consider going to the 'baal-vaale yogi Baba' who lives in the nearby colony (this after going through a pamphlet circulated in the neighborhood in which the Baba guarantees lush green(oops black) hair within one month of praying and chewing herbs)You also let your good friends know about the hair-situation.

Stage 3 : Evaluation of alternatives (what makes more sense)

One of your friends tells you that he'd been to a hair-specialist sometime back and also that he's the best guy in town. He promises to take you to his clinic and walk you through the entire process of meeting the doc and then buying the meds from the store nearby. You realize that of all the available options, this one seems sensible(although the neighborhood Baba does seem to be an ecnomical option).

Stage 4 : Product purchase (Enter the dragon)

Its show time. You finally muster up enough courage to go to the clinic. You're surprised to see the queue of patients waiting outside. It is then that your friend calms you down saying that it gets even worse on the weekends. You're also surprised to see a lot of women folk there (not the bald ones, but ones with long and silky hair). Your doubt is addressed by the friend who says 'everyone has hair everywhere, so the problems are not just with the loss of hair'.

After having waited for about an hour, you're asked to enter the doc's room.  You get the shock of your life when you see that the doc himself is completely bald. Yes, not one strand of hair on his brown shiny well-oiled scalp. You begin to wonder if this guy is any good at what he does. Then you resign to the fact that you've been ripped off and decide to just go through the motions and get over with it.

The doc pulls out a huge pipe-like gizmo which is hanging from the ceiling. He then holds your head and thrusts it into the pipe-like machine. Some bright lights flash, you're blinded for a while and the next thing you know, there are some really weird pictures in front of you. You're reminded of the pictures of the surface of the Moon which you were shown in primary school. But the doc blows your brains out when he says that those are the pictures of your head.

He then asks you a barrage of uncomfy questions like 'Are you married?', 'If so, are you straight?', 'Are you unmarried but straight and sexually active?', 'Are you married but bisexually impotent?', 'Did you steal the mints on the table when I was taking your scans?'....You try your level best to be accurate, but you invariably get stumped.

He then pulls out his prescription pad and writes out 25 lines of gibberish at the speed of light. tells you to take 6 pills and 5 tonics and apply 4 lotions to your head, 3 times a day. He also tells you to follow a diet of 2 olives for breakfast, a bowl of ruminated grass for lunch and dry fruit skins for dinner.

He then asks you to come back for a check-up after a month(if you're alive until then).

Stage 5 : Post purchase behavior (the WTF just happened stage)

You diligently take the meds and follow the diet for a month, only to find that the hair-situation is gettin worse than what it was earlier. You curse your friend for having made you burn a hole in your pocket, courtesy the bald and expensive hair-specialist. You decide to take the leap of faith and head to the neighborhood Baba as the last and final hope.

And the saga continues...

93. When you quit your job

The act of 'quitting a job' has all the elements required to make a masala movie. There's action, drama and suspense, both before and after you've put down your papers.

Ideally, this is how a 'resignation' conversation should look like.

You : Sir, I am putting down my papers today.
Boss : Why ?
You : I liked something else.
Boss : Ok. Good luck with that.

--- End of story ---

But this isn't what happens at our workplaces. This movie starts out like a thriller and ends up like a romantic-comedy gone wrong.

Stage 1 : The build-up

Like any movie plot, in the build-up, you don't seem to like what you're doing at work. Your manager blames you for all the problems in office (which includes his PA's affair with the maid he likes), throwing expletives at you in all the regional languages that he knows. You're staying away from home, earning lesser than friends and enemies and your workplace is filled with ass-licking colleagues whom you can't go to and crib.

This unleashes 'The Hulk' from within, you scream in an empty room, speak to the lizards and ants nearby and decide that enough is enough. That is when you make a promise to yourself, that you will hunt relentlessly for new jobs(and to remove the air from your manager's car before leaving for home in the evening)

Stage 2 : The hunt

This is where you work like an undercover MI-6 agent, covering all your tracks and applying to every possible job opening in the country. You still keep the smiling face at work, while plotting lo leave that wretched place. You wait endlessly for an interview call. You get a few. You run out of regular reasons and so give flimsy excuses to take leave from work to go give those interviews. 'It's my fifth marriage proposal, can't mess it up after the first 4 rejects' or 'My neighbor's dog ate my life insurance papers' or 'I'm going to a hair-loss specialist' are excuses that you come up with.

Stage 3 : Controlled elation

You have converted one(or more) of the interview calls. Have been asked to join. You're elated that you're going to leave this place soon. But you're waiting for the right time(in many cases, the 1st of the next month) to put down your papers. Until then, although you're on top of the world, you continue to work with the same constipated-under-pressure look that your boss is familiar with.

Stage 4 : The moment

Butterflies in the stomach, pancreas and everywhere else. You practice your speech in front of the mirror, move all your important mails and your pay slips to a personal email id and then go see the boss.  You tell him that you are quitting work. He gives you the 'Why the sudden rash decision ? think about it and let me know in the evening' routine, to which you give back the 'I have given it enough thought and I have made up my mind' routine and leave his cabin.

Stage 5 : The break-up

It feels like a relationship gone-awry when you start having the break-up-ish kind of conversations with your boss and the HR people for the next couple of days. These are a few of the standard lines they use when we employees break-up with the company.

Why are you leaving us ? (duhh...someone else is paying better)

Why did you join us if you had to leave us ? (duhh...doesn't everyone do that at some point or the other ?)

We din't expect this from you. We thought you would be loyal (wth...I aint married to you bozos, I just work where you work)

All you men are the same, pigs! (well, they dint say this, just added it in for the dramatic effect)

Stage 6 : The feel-sad time (notice period)

This is the time in a movie where both the hero and heroine lie on their beds and stare at the ceiling fan while a slow drab song plays in the background, meant to convey the sadness which the actors faces aren't able to convey. Similarly, this is the time when you take a chill pill, lie down and enjoy the last few days of work without working. Meanwhile, the HR ppl are sad, because they need to find a replacement for you, which is a whole lot of work.


Stage 7 : The patch-up

Like in all Indian movies, the lead actor and actress patch up in the end and the happily live ever after. Over here, the HRs accept your resignation letter and call you for the exit interview. Them and you have a nice chat and end things on a happy note(although both are cursing each other in their heads). And once you get your hands on the experience and relieving letter, you walk out a free bird, like Andy Dufresne does in 'Shawshank Redemption'.

And friends, that's how its done in this country. This is how we quit. Quite intriguing na :)

92. 25*

Today, some of the witty one-liners that I've been subject to are as follows

Have fun on your silver-jubilee
You have moved to  new exchequer
You are a certified uncle now
So you're 25...huh, get married at least this year
How does it feel after completing a quarter of a century
Go for morning walks and talk to neighbors about their kids

A friend of mine had his 25th a couple of weeks back. He said "Its been 25 yrs of existence without any achievements or accomplishments." This holds true even in my case. And I just happened to read a graduation speech by some uber-genius who says that after 25, its only downhill. Pro'ly the worst time to stumble upon such an inspiring speech.I pulled my hair in anger, only to find  couple of white strands in my hand after the act of pulling :)

Apart from the occasional gain in weight and the loss of hair, the last year has been a really rollicking one.

Got a job on campus pretty quick (day 0 as they call it)

Hardly attended any lectures (was there on campus for like 20 days during the whole of the last term)

Played a whole lot of CS in the lab at nights, amazing fun. Clan matches, public server and tournaments....made a couple of good friends too, CS friends :)

Visited some gr8 places with friends and family - Rishikesh, Agra, Jaipur, Jodhpur, Jaisalmer etc etc

Won an event worth 40k and all I did to win it was remember a few numbers right

Was the center of our insti's own MMS scandal (MMS is a movie making event, fyi) :)

Got my degree from Mr.Kamal Nath amidst great fanfare 

Bonded with old chums after a long long time

Loads of parties and movies during the idle time before joining work

Parted with two very good friends

Visited tons of i-would-never-have-gone-to-otherwise places - Anand, Rajkot, Junagadh, Surat, Vizag etc etc

Bought a two wheeler and also started learning to ride it (yes, i am 25 and i don't know how to ride a 2 wheeler yet)

Got screwed doing sales

Quit work, which was quite an experience in itself. The HRs made me feel like I was breaking up with 

them

Have a couple of jobs to consider before joining, am walking on a tight rope...dunno where I'll land

Its been good, pretty good, in a different way though.

All in all, a very happening year, must say.

91. The northie - southie squabble

For all the enlightened nitwits out there, lets get one thing straight. Tamil Nadu is not the only state in south-India. In case u missed your class on Geography in primary school, South India has got 4 states with people speaking different languages and having having distinctly different cultures. 

I've witnessed some apalling misconceptions that normally-intelligent-looking ppl have about we ppl from down South. Thought I'd clear some over here, in an attempt to promote unity in diversity (which again is a sham. India is regional.Period. No matter how much you go denying it)

No, 'south-indian' is not a language! Neither is south-india a state, with Chennai as its capital.

No, south-indians are not decendents of Raavan. Get real ppl!!! 

No, Rajnikanth is not the only actor down south.

No, all south-indian movies do not, i repeat, DO NOT have Rajnikanth-ish stunts. Its like saying that all Hindi movies have Mithun-ish stunts or hero-heroines running around trees in song sequences.

No, south-indians needn't necessarily have relatives in Sri Lanka or the US or the Gulf.

No, Telangana agitation is not a demand for a seperate country, atleast yet.

No, dont stare at a south-indian when he/she orders a Naan or a Roti at a restaurant. You needn't give him/her  the "oh-my-gosh-i-thought-you-guys-are-supposed-to-only-order-and-eat-rice-everywhere" gaze.

And no, this doesn't end here. A lot more unpleasantly funny and ridiculously inedible perceptions have been formed against Indians who hail form the 4 states down south.

Need your comments on this one, if you have a thing or two to say (which you surely will, coz this is a hot-topic)    ;)

90. Ambition

Here's a popular quote from the movie Jackie Brown, directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Picture this. Ordell is a gun peddler while Melanie is his blonde girlfriend who does nothing all day except smoke pot.

Ordell Robbie: Goddamn girl, you gettin' high already? It's just 2 o'clock!
Melanie: [chuckling] It's that late?
Ordell Robbie: You know you smoke too much of that shit, that shit gonna rob you of your own ambition.
Melanie: Not if your ambition is to get high and watch TV...

And that was the Kodak moment for me. I studied, tried my hand at sports and extra-currics, wrote shitloads of exams, stayed at places away from home, worked away from home... I've been doing all of this alright, but why ? I don't have an ambition. Hell even Melanie has one, one of smoking pot and watching tv. I don't think I'd like that. I've been sapped out of whatever little interest I had in the few things that I was interested in. Its been a gradual transformation, one whose beginning I am unable to trace.

 I never thought that I'd be saying this so soon, but i guess its time for me to fall back on religion :) You know, the pilgrimages, the long prayer sessions and the likes. Will help me keep my mind off the other horrible thoughts and things around.

89. Call troubles

Have not been able to learn/understand the art of talking on a phone, even after 24 yrs of existence. I'm not kidding. I just don't know how to talk on the phone, be it the land-line or the cellphone.

To a regular person, this may seem trivial. What's the big deal in picking up a phone and talking away. But to people who think a whole lot more than necessary and thus bungle up even the simplest of things, I think i will make sense.

How to pick up calls from ppl you don't like and not leave those calls for later(which'll never come)

How to initiate a conversation - not just the hello, but the stuff that comes between the hello and the main reason behind the call

How to handle the long pauses in between - small time slices of complete silence are unpalatable, just too complicated to deal with

How to think of pleasantries that would be appropriate

How to convincingly convey those pleasantries and not sound like a recitation exercise

How to mask your voice when you've just got out of bed but aren't supposed to sound like that

How to cut short the call and say goodbye

And so the struggle continues...may be 3G may come to my rescue with stuff like video calling

88. Killer english

If you ever wondered how words could kill, here's some evidence.

This was at a movie-hall near the bus-station. Pronounced as Ball-cone-y 

This was taken in a mobile store. 'Avial' is a South Indian delicacy fyi. The moment i read this, i got home-sick :s

This is how we spell 'distributor' in this place

To all my juniors at IMT, this is how we fill the 'Achievements' and 'Hobbies' section in the CV

Who are these 'Outers' ? Are they anticipating an alien invasion ?

This one takes the cake. Amazing !

87. 10/10/10

6 friends, all working in seperate firms, met up on the 10th of this month (ie 10-10-10). This was their first meeting since they'd graduated from college in March. And it goes like this -

Friend 1 : What a date we've finally met on. Its got a zing to it. 10/10/10. Such a pattern wont repeat until 11/11/11, this really is a special day.

Frnd 2 : Yea. We all would have either experienced or done something special today. At least I did. I got a pay hike and I will be going to Germany on an off-shore assignment. What about you guys ?

Frnd 3 : Nice. I won the 'shining star' award for the 17th time in as many weeks. Oh wait, its given once every two weeks i think.

Frnd 4 : I accidentally collided with the sexiest siren in office during b'fast and again during lunch. We exchanged numbers. I'm the king of the world.

Frnd 5 : My department has undergone some restructuring and I will be my boss' new boss from now on. This day couldn't get any better!

Frnd 6 just kept staring at the glass of water in front of him, keeping mum the whole time. All the others asked him in chorus "What happened to you today ?".

To which he said : I made my resume today...FML

86. The overseas send-off

Hindu mythology says that there are only three major events in a person's lifetime. One birth, two marriage and three death. And it also says that since you are fully conscious only during one of these three events, you better celebrate it with all possible grandeur and make it memorable.

But in the life of an Indian 'ex-teen but yet-to-be-called-uncle' youth, there's one other event that's as eventful and memorable as the other three, and this one occurs when that person is fully conscious too. Wondering what I'm talking about ? Yes, its the first trip abroad/overseas for 'higher' studies. That is when you get overwhelmed by the 'Oh I'm gonna be an NRI...I'm going to the developed world....the land of many more opportunities...where the money is good and the chicks are better...where there's plenty to explore and enjoy...where the beer flows like water' feeling .

Once the Visa and the I20 are in hand, pandemonium sets in. Resigning from the work-place, throwing farewell parties, getting sentimental about leaving all your co-workers, shopping a million times for a zillion things, learning to cook, packing all the stuff, buying some more stuff, then re-packing all the stuff, meanwhile getting in touch with all friends (new and old) and letting them know of your departure date(hoping they come send you off at the airport).

You start counting the days to the departure date with a mixture of excitement, enthusiasm, confusion and a fear of what the unknown new world has in store ahead. It's pretty much like waiting for the wedding day, where you have the bride getting all elated and decorated in the last few days while the groom develops cold feet due to fear of commitment. You splurge everywhere on everything – on the necessary, the unnecessary, the unnecessary-now-but-maybe-necessary-later, the necessary-now-unnecessary-later, and the dad-thinks-its-necessary-because-Raju-uncle’s-son-took-it-along stuff. Your savings get wiped out in a jiffy, and then you begin to sport the t-shirt with the logo ‘My dad is my ATM’ and live true to the logo.

Your mom makes you go helter-skelter all over the kitchen trying to teach you to cook basic stuff. Your friends make fun of the remnants of the dried lentils and pulses that they find on your hair when you go to meet them after the disastrous cooking sessions. Your uncles and aunts ask you to go visit some specific temples to get visas, and some others to get call letters from particular universities. Dad keeps giving you career advice every time he catches you taking a break after weighing the bags and finding out that they’re all packed just right.

And then there is the climax at the airport. There’s a colossal wastage of time and resources at the airport. Twenty plus people driving in 4 to 5 cars come to send off this one guy/gal whom they have seen all this while in life ( 20 odd years). They come all the way to the airport, spending on the fuel and the food and singing all the way in cars or hired cabs. But the irony is that they don’t pay that little extra amount on the entry ticket to get into the airport. They all huddle outside, at the entry point, and keep waving like there’s no tomorrow.

It can’t get more dramatic than this. People waving, grandmas crying, moms wiping the sweat off their brows, dads sipping on coffee and scratching their heads thinking as to whether their children have taken the right decision or not. Then comes the final stretch, from the entrance to the sliding doors, the stretch that you have to take alone, the stretch where you keep looking back each second at all that you will be missing henceforth. Alas,  and at last, you disappear amidst the chaos within the airport and the send-off is then deemed complete.

It’s quite an amazing, intriguing and tiring event, I must say.

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