92. 25*

Today, some of the witty one-liners that I've been subject to are as follows

Have fun on your silver-jubilee
You have moved to  new exchequer
You are a certified uncle now
So you're 25...huh, get married at least this year
How does it feel after completing a quarter of a century
Go for morning walks and talk to neighbors about their kids

A friend of mine had his 25th a couple of weeks back. He said "Its been 25 yrs of existence without any achievements or accomplishments." This holds true even in my case. And I just happened to read a graduation speech by some uber-genius who says that after 25, its only downhill. Pro'ly the worst time to stumble upon such an inspiring speech.I pulled my hair in anger, only to find  couple of white strands in my hand after the act of pulling :)

Apart from the occasional gain in weight and the loss of hair, the last year has been a really rollicking one.

Got a job on campus pretty quick (day 0 as they call it)

Hardly attended any lectures (was there on campus for like 20 days during the whole of the last term)

Played a whole lot of CS in the lab at nights, amazing fun. Clan matches, public server and tournaments....made a couple of good friends too, CS friends :)

Visited some gr8 places with friends and family - Rishikesh, Agra, Jaipur, Jodhpur, Jaisalmer etc etc

Won an event worth 40k and all I did to win it was remember a few numbers right

Was the center of our insti's own MMS scandal (MMS is a movie making event, fyi) :)

Got my degree from Mr.Kamal Nath amidst great fanfare 

Bonded with old chums after a long long time

Loads of parties and movies during the idle time before joining work

Parted with two very good friends

Visited tons of i-would-never-have-gone-to-otherwise places - Anand, Rajkot, Junagadh, Surat, Vizag etc etc

Bought a two wheeler and also started learning to ride it (yes, i am 25 and i don't know how to ride a 2 wheeler yet)

Got screwed doing sales

Quit work, which was quite an experience in itself. The HRs made me feel like I was breaking up with 

them

Have a couple of jobs to consider before joining, am walking on a tight rope...dunno where I'll land

Its been good, pretty good, in a different way though.

All in all, a very happening year, must say.

91. The northie - southie squabble

For all the enlightened nitwits out there, lets get one thing straight. Tamil Nadu is not the only state in south-India. In case u missed your class on Geography in primary school, South India has got 4 states with people speaking different languages and having having distinctly different cultures. 

I've witnessed some apalling misconceptions that normally-intelligent-looking ppl have about we ppl from down South. Thought I'd clear some over here, in an attempt to promote unity in diversity (which again is a sham. India is regional.Period. No matter how much you go denying it)

No, 'south-indian' is not a language! Neither is south-india a state, with Chennai as its capital.

No, south-indians are not decendents of Raavan. Get real ppl!!! 

No, Rajnikanth is not the only actor down south.

No, all south-indian movies do not, i repeat, DO NOT have Rajnikanth-ish stunts. Its like saying that all Hindi movies have Mithun-ish stunts or hero-heroines running around trees in song sequences.

No, south-indians needn't necessarily have relatives in Sri Lanka or the US or the Gulf.

No, Telangana agitation is not a demand for a seperate country, atleast yet.

No, dont stare at a south-indian when he/she orders a Naan or a Roti at a restaurant. You needn't give him/her  the "oh-my-gosh-i-thought-you-guys-are-supposed-to-only-order-and-eat-rice-everywhere" gaze.

And no, this doesn't end here. A lot more unpleasantly funny and ridiculously inedible perceptions have been formed against Indians who hail form the 4 states down south.

Need your comments on this one, if you have a thing or two to say (which you surely will, coz this is a hot-topic)    ;)

90. Ambition

Here's a popular quote from the movie Jackie Brown, directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Picture this. Ordell is a gun peddler while Melanie is his blonde girlfriend who does nothing all day except smoke pot.

Ordell Robbie: Goddamn girl, you gettin' high already? It's just 2 o'clock!
Melanie: [chuckling] It's that late?
Ordell Robbie: You know you smoke too much of that shit, that shit gonna rob you of your own ambition.
Melanie: Not if your ambition is to get high and watch TV...

And that was the Kodak moment for me. I studied, tried my hand at sports and extra-currics, wrote shitloads of exams, stayed at places away from home, worked away from home... I've been doing all of this alright, but why ? I don't have an ambition. Hell even Melanie has one, one of smoking pot and watching tv. I don't think I'd like that. I've been sapped out of whatever little interest I had in the few things that I was interested in. Its been a gradual transformation, one whose beginning I am unable to trace.

 I never thought that I'd be saying this so soon, but i guess its time for me to fall back on religion :) You know, the pilgrimages, the long prayer sessions and the likes. Will help me keep my mind off the other horrible thoughts and things around.

89. Call troubles

Have not been able to learn/understand the art of talking on a phone, even after 24 yrs of existence. I'm not kidding. I just don't know how to talk on the phone, be it the land-line or the cellphone.

To a regular person, this may seem trivial. What's the big deal in picking up a phone and talking away. But to people who think a whole lot more than necessary and thus bungle up even the simplest of things, I think i will make sense.

How to pick up calls from ppl you don't like and not leave those calls for later(which'll never come)

How to initiate a conversation - not just the hello, but the stuff that comes between the hello and the main reason behind the call

How to handle the long pauses in between - small time slices of complete silence are unpalatable, just too complicated to deal with

How to think of pleasantries that would be appropriate

How to convincingly convey those pleasantries and not sound like a recitation exercise

How to mask your voice when you've just got out of bed but aren't supposed to sound like that

How to cut short the call and say goodbye

And so the struggle continues...may be 3G may come to my rescue with stuff like video calling

88. Killer english

If you ever wondered how words could kill, here's some evidence.

This was at a movie-hall near the bus-station. Pronounced as Ball-cone-y 

This was taken in a mobile store. 'Avial' is a South Indian delicacy fyi. The moment i read this, i got home-sick :s

This is how we spell 'distributor' in this place

To all my juniors at IMT, this is how we fill the 'Achievements' and 'Hobbies' section in the CV

Who are these 'Outers' ? Are they anticipating an alien invasion ?

This one takes the cake. Amazing !

87. 10/10/10

6 friends, all working in seperate firms, met up on the 10th of this month (ie 10-10-10). This was their first meeting since they'd graduated from college in March. And it goes like this -

Friend 1 : What a date we've finally met on. Its got a zing to it. 10/10/10. Such a pattern wont repeat until 11/11/11, this really is a special day.

Frnd 2 : Yea. We all would have either experienced or done something special today. At least I did. I got a pay hike and I will be going to Germany on an off-shore assignment. What about you guys ?

Frnd 3 : Nice. I won the 'shining star' award for the 17th time in as many weeks. Oh wait, its given once every two weeks i think.

Frnd 4 : I accidentally collided with the sexiest siren in office during b'fast and again during lunch. We exchanged numbers. I'm the king of the world.

Frnd 5 : My department has undergone some restructuring and I will be my boss' new boss from now on. This day couldn't get any better!

Frnd 6 just kept staring at the glass of water in front of him, keeping mum the whole time. All the others asked him in chorus "What happened to you today ?".

To which he said : I made my resume today...FML

86. The overseas send-off

Hindu mythology says that there are only three major events in a person's lifetime. One birth, two marriage and three death. And it also says that since you are fully conscious only during one of these three events, you better celebrate it with all possible grandeur and make it memorable.

But in the life of an Indian 'ex-teen but yet-to-be-called-uncle' youth, there's one other event that's as eventful and memorable as the other three, and this one occurs when that person is fully conscious too. Wondering what I'm talking about ? Yes, its the first trip abroad/overseas for 'higher' studies. That is when you get overwhelmed by the 'Oh I'm gonna be an NRI...I'm going to the developed world....the land of many more opportunities...where the money is good and the chicks are better...where there's plenty to explore and enjoy...where the beer flows like water' feeling .

Once the Visa and the I20 are in hand, pandemonium sets in. Resigning from the work-place, throwing farewell parties, getting sentimental about leaving all your co-workers, shopping a million times for a zillion things, learning to cook, packing all the stuff, buying some more stuff, then re-packing all the stuff, meanwhile getting in touch with all friends (new and old) and letting them know of your departure date(hoping they come send you off at the airport).

You start counting the days to the departure date with a mixture of excitement, enthusiasm, confusion and a fear of what the unknown new world has in store ahead. It's pretty much like waiting for the wedding day, where you have the bride getting all elated and decorated in the last few days while the groom develops cold feet due to fear of commitment. You splurge everywhere on everything – on the necessary, the unnecessary, the unnecessary-now-but-maybe-necessary-later, the necessary-now-unnecessary-later, and the dad-thinks-its-necessary-because-Raju-uncle’s-son-took-it-along stuff. Your savings get wiped out in a jiffy, and then you begin to sport the t-shirt with the logo ‘My dad is my ATM’ and live true to the logo.

Your mom makes you go helter-skelter all over the kitchen trying to teach you to cook basic stuff. Your friends make fun of the remnants of the dried lentils and pulses that they find on your hair when you go to meet them after the disastrous cooking sessions. Your uncles and aunts ask you to go visit some specific temples to get visas, and some others to get call letters from particular universities. Dad keeps giving you career advice every time he catches you taking a break after weighing the bags and finding out that they’re all packed just right.

And then there is the climax at the airport. There’s a colossal wastage of time and resources at the airport. Twenty plus people driving in 4 to 5 cars come to send off this one guy/gal whom they have seen all this while in life ( 20 odd years). They come all the way to the airport, spending on the fuel and the food and singing all the way in cars or hired cabs. But the irony is that they don’t pay that little extra amount on the entry ticket to get into the airport. They all huddle outside, at the entry point, and keep waving like there’s no tomorrow.

It can’t get more dramatic than this. People waving, grandmas crying, moms wiping the sweat off their brows, dads sipping on coffee and scratching their heads thinking as to whether their children have taken the right decision or not. Then comes the final stretch, from the entrance to the sliding doors, the stretch that you have to take alone, the stretch where you keep looking back each second at all that you will be missing henceforth. Alas,  and at last, you disappear amidst the chaos within the airport and the send-off is then deemed complete.

It’s quite an amazing, intriguing and tiring event, I must say.

This article is up on themag.in. Read this

85. Telecom sales - An endless elegy

Telecom sales means

endless cups of tea
endless hours at the distributor's back office
endless number of phone calls from anyone and everyone
endless standing at crowded retail outlets waiting for the retailer
endless number of puffs and soft-drinks
endless banter thrown at you by the disgruntled retailer
endless random roaming on the streets in the hot sun
endless pouches of water
endless hunger and the want of eating something nice and heavy
endless craving for the fairer sex (sales being a no-chick job, u wont find any)
endlessly convincing the retailer to sell your product
endlessly meeting new people
endless fake smiles
endless shaking of hands with random ppl
endless parade of goats and cows everywhere u go
endless specks of chewed-paan-masala flying and hitting your face while you are the pillion rider on the masala-chewing-but-eager-to-give-gyaan TSM/TSE's bike

Some gyaan which I have been a recipient of in the last few days is as follows(gems they all are)

Customer aur maut (death) kabhi bhi aa sakthe hain, koi bharosa nahin!

Sachhe aadmi ka saath dene ka aur jhoote aadmi ka band bajaane ka!

Retailer ke yahaan chai nahi peena mathlab honeymoon pe jaake sex nahi karna! (this is the most hilarious one)

Market ki maa-behen ek karne mein jyaada time nahi lagta beta!

84. Fancy corporate post-names/titles : not so amusing anymore

Just saw this on TV. It blew my mind. The WTFness-quotient of the content I saw was so high that its urged my to post it here almost asap.

It turns out that this is pretty old news, but I'm sure not many would've heard of it. Did you ppl know that the Future group has a 'Chief Belief Officer'. And they have a person, a fully-salaried employee for that post too, Dr.Devdutt Pattanaik.

Its not the post exactly, but the model he presented on CNBC that left me flabbergasted. He first says, the 3B model of management is Belief-Behavior-Business. And then he actually goes ahead and draws 3 circles on a chart and connects them linearly to show the relation. Can you believe that??? And the interviewer actually gasped as if she'd seen the Haley's comet. What horseshit ! Unbelievable !

read this - 60 seconds chief
and watch this - My work as a Chief Belief Officer

The ex-COO of the firm in which I previously worked, has been the 'Gardener' of that firm for the past few years. Another post which although sounds creative, is in a gray area with unclear responsibilities and un-quantifiable objectives.

A colleague of mine, who started off his own company handed me his card which read "Mr.XYZ, Founder". The word Founder did have a great zing to it. Much better than the regular CEO or COO or MD.

When I get into an organization, I would want a cool job title, depending on what I join as. Like say

"Awesemolyst" (analyzes awesomeness of the work being done, Barney Stintson style) or

"Head Markgeneer"(a Marketer + engineer) or

"Logisticologist" (an Ops profile for Logistics) or

"Procurement-man"(again, an Ops profile for Procurement)...has the super-hero zing to it :) or

"Chief emotions officer" (one who reads all of Paulo Coelho's books and recommends women-related policies) or

"Chief emoticons officer" (one who recommends all the emoticons that can be used in any official report or e-mail) or

"Tantri, the Pantry Mantri" (one who heads the Pantry staff)

I wouldn't mind a pay-cut for a month or two in return. The cool name is all that the outside world knows about your job. They don't see the ass-kicking nor do they see the ass-prints that your boss has left on your ass by the end of the day. When someone asks me about my designation at work, I'd rather say "Script Detectivologist" than merely saying "Bug-fixer".

83. The career path

Most of us are clueless when it comes to our careers. We don't know what to do next ? Lets face it, we've never known what to do. If you belong to the minority-group of people who have it all figured out and are on-track and are all set to achieve it, I'm not talking about you(although at some stage, you'll figure out that you just can't figure out where you'll go next in your career, unless all you plan to do next is to sit at home and eat curd-rice).

Mom and pop gave us a name, we dint have a say in that. And by the time we even gained enough consciousness to think about it, they put us in a school, to keep us busy....and we kept going to school. They told us to take Math, Phys, Chem in 10+2 and prepare for JEE....and we did it, most of us not even knowing the expanded form of JEE. They told us to do engineering and we went through 4 more years of 'something we dint know why we were doing but we just had to do', coz mom and pop and 'well-wisher aunt' and 'irritating neighboring uncle' thought it would be good to do so.

There's no wonder that after like 20-plus years of little-finger-holding(career spoon feeding), when we're out in the real world searching for work(or while at work), we're at sea. We don't know what to do, where to go, whom to ask for help. All we know is that we want to do something to be something-else but we're yet to figure out what that something or that something-else is. This is a tribute to all the clueless souls, we are the ones who are endlessly in the pursuit of happyness, although our efforts are mostly random and directionless(but what the heck, we try).

82. Learning curves

Was just filling up a form where I was required to fill the 'Languages you know' table. I was tempted to write C, C++, Java, Perl...but considering the fact that it was a pretty important form, went ahead and wrote the usual four.

1. English
2. Hindi
3. Tamil
4. Telugu

The question intrigued me and with all the idle time I'm having right now, all I needed was a poke, however useless the poke was. The question cannot measure the adeptness with which I used or the fluency with which I spoke those languages. I sat about thinking the various extents to which I knew each language, which one was I more comfy with and why. Now for most of the gen pop, the order of the languages one knows follows a predictable pattern. The degree of comfy-ness with the set of languages one knows most generally is as follows.

1.Mother-tongue > 2.English > 3.then by Hindi(if the mother tongue aint Hindi already) > 4. other languages known(if any)

But for me, a TamBrahm born and brought up in Hyd, followed by a 4-year stint in Gujju-land, followed by a 2 yr stint in the North of India, the order of comfy-ness has changed from time to time.

Learning a language is fun and a gradual process. Slowly I've learnt, sometimes also un-learnt the languages I know, un-learnt due to sheer lack of people around to speak that language(for long periods of time). So I thought, why not plot the learning curves of each of the languages I know and see if there's pattern.

And then, I plotted this.....

81. Facebook

Nut 1 : Did you hear what 'pretty-but-shy-and-low-profile' girl has done ?

Nut 2 : Did she come out of the closet ?

Nut 1 : Nah...I'd hate to see that happen though. Can't lose the very few pretty single-and-ready-to-mingle women to lesbianism. It'd be grossly unfair for us 'Aam aadmi' Indian men.

Nut 2 : So what did she do ?

Nut 1 : She updated her relationship status on Facebook. It now reads that she's in a relationship with 'popular-but-dimwit-and-asinine' guy.

Nut 2 : Lemme guess. That update would've been followed by a 100 'likes' and another 250 'congratulations' comments.

Nut 1 : Yea. I read most of 'em, all different variants of the same word. 'congrats','congu','congo', congos','congs','grats'....

Nut 2 : Each wanting to make his/her greeting look different with an irritating overuse and abuse of dots, smileys and exclamations. Retards !

Nut 1 : Don't be so harsh. They're just expressing their emotions.

Nut 2 : Yea right ! That's the new way to show that you're hep and cool. Gone are the good old days when being cool just meant having streaked hair and walking like a punk. With the onset of Facebook, things have changed.Anyways, you seemed to have had a thing for this chick right ?

Nut 1 : Yea I did....sigh...And was quite surprised to hear that she fell for that dumbass. What do girls look for ? I'm really confused.

Nut 2 : They look for 'cool' men.

Nut 1 : I am cool !

Nut 2 : Well, lets see. How often do you update your status on FB ?

Nut 1 : eerrmm....twice a week.

Nut 2 : Way off the mark. Do you have more than 400 ppl whom you don't know as 'friends' on your Friend list ?

Nut 1 : No

Nut 2 : Do you 'Like' every other cool dude/cute chick's status message or photo upload as soon as it happens ?

Nut 1 : No

Nut 2 : Do you take amazingly random and blurry pictures and upload 'em in an album with an even more random name, making it visible and possible for everyone on FB  to comment and 'Like' ?

Nut 1 : No

Nut 2 : Does your 'Religious  views' column have either 'Atheist' or 'Agnostic'.

Nut 1 : No, I'm a regular run-of-the-mill religion follower.

Nut 2 : Well, that aint good enuf. You need to show that you're a 'rebel in quietism'. (The one shitty thing that the movie RDB has done is taught the phrase 'be a rebel' to the masses, but hardly any of us know how, when, why and for what to rebel.)

Nut 1 : Anything else ?

Nut 2 : Well yea. You need to join at least a 100 groups which your fellow dude-mates have joined. For instance, some have joined groups with highly intellectual names like 'Yes wind, thats fine. Mess up my hair. I didn't plan on looking good today', ' It's okay Pluto, I still think you're a planet', ' Insulting people on levels they can't comprehend.' and the likes...

Nut 1 : Wtf !!!

Nut 2 : It gets even better. Install at least 50 applications like 'Who likes you', 'How much does she like you', 'Horoscope of the day', 'Lover of the day', 'Your favorite color of the day', 'Mystic Meg', 'Psychic leg', 'I went to Winnipeg'....Whatever your actual hometown is, update it to Bombay or Delhi, coz that increases the cool quotient of your profile.

Nut 1 : staring blank

Nut 2 : And lastly, update your 'Music' column with some heavy metal and psychedelic bands. Throw in some 'Ingmar Bergman' directed movies in your 'Movies' column. Garnish your 'Books' column with an Arundhati Roy and a Paulo Coelho written-book....and voila....here we have a totally 'cool' FB profile page. Of course, you need to keep googling for intelligent status messages that you'll need to update your profile with, once every 2 hours.

Nut 1 : Balls! I'd rather not look cool that do all this crap. If I've to make a fool out of myself on FB  to have a chance at a girl, I'd rather remain single. I'm alright being single. All this is coz of the demand-supply gap. Screw you Adam Smith.

Nut 2 : Why don't we encourage male-infanticide in villages. That'd be super-cool and balance the demand-supply gap!

Nut 1 : Screw you Adam Smith.....screw you Facebook....sob sob...sob sob...

80. Adjournments

This is with reference to this article

Our Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha get adjourned every now and then, due to the unruly and uncouth behavior of our elected representatives. How much does it cost to conduct a session in parliament? How much does the Indian tax-payer have to pay for the harakiri that our chosen representatives carry out in both the houses of Parliament. Its a disgrace, watching them on TV, having a go at each other as if they are kids in a play-pen.Should there not be a way to gauge the efficiency and effectiveness of these sessions ? Should people not be punished for wasting time and stalling proceedings ?

Here are some instances(videos) where the house has been adjourned in the recent past.

Dec 15th '09 - Lok Sabha Adjourned as MP's spar over Telangana

Dec 16th '09 - Lok Sabha adjourned over price rise

March 11th '10 - The Lok Sabha was adjourned for the day on Wednesday after Mulayam Singh Yadav, Sharad Yadav and Lalu Prasad staged noisy protests demanding that the seven MPs suspended in the Rajya Sabha a day earlier be taken back

March 15th '10 - Opposition members force repeated adjournments on Dantewada attacks

March 16th '10 - The Tharoor-IPL issue

When will our leaders learn to have a civilized dialogue ? Is this the way its done in every other democratic country ? I don't think so. I'm sure this exclusively happens only in our very own Incredible India.

79. Law of conservation of happiness

Nut 1 sees Nut 2 who is staring into nothingness, goes up to him and the following conversation ensues.

Nut 1 : What are you thinking about ?

Nut 2 : I'm confused....

Nut 1 : confused about what ?

Nut 2 : I want my parents to be happy.

Nut 1 : How noble a thought, at 2 in the morning! But, what's there to get confused about in this?

Nut 2 : Well. You see.They say that they're happy if I am happy.

Nut 1 : And your point is ?

Nut 2 : I know they may not be happy about some of the stuff I do that makes me happy. So I end up doing stuff that makes them happy and doing this doesn't make me happy. So they'll not be happy when I'm happy and they'll be happy when I'm not happy. Something's terribly wrong here.

Nut 1 : Its Murphy's Law of conservation of Happiness. Happiness can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only be transferred from one body to another.

Nut 2 : Profound...

78. A computer-less vacation

This has been a one-of-a-kind, in fact, the first of its kind of vacations for me. Yes, a vacation minus the computer makes Jack a dull boy. The motherboard went for a toss. And it’s yet to be repaired and tossed back to its rightful place. Picture this. A room with all the other computer peripherals, tons of DVDs(movies and sitcoms) and a dangling internet cable. And I can’t do nothin with anythin that's around me.

Without the comp, it's become so tough to pass the time now. The dynamics at home are very different from good old school days where me and my bro did the major chunk of the channel surfing on the TV. Outdoor sports like 7 stones, maar n peeti and gully cricket would consume the rest of the timepass time. Now, its only the internet and movies. I've lost all interest in TV. Hate those reality and talent-hunt shows...ugghhh...they're despicable to say the least!

A vacation has its own dynamics and a computer with internet is an integral part of it. Its the one thing that helps you effortlessly sail over all the idle-time patches during the vacation. The prelude to the vacation, I feel, is the most fun part of the entire vacation. The wait for the day to leave for home, the joy when you dust your airbags and stuff it with smelly clothes, the lure of the home-food, the excitement of meeting old pals, endless discussions about which train/flight to take and why...all this is quite exciting. But once you get there, after the initial high of coming back to the home-ground, it all dampens out a little, coz there's nothing much to do!

The weekends are when everyone else is free and you have lots of people to attend to. While the weekdays are so void of any activity that you contemplate doing things like creating spicy toothpastes(pepper, lemon and cardamom), ultra-sweet toothpastes(maple syrup, litchi essence and honey) and non-vegetarian toothpastes(sprinkled with ants and deliciously sliced cockroaches). You also try your hand at melting a 'Mint-o Fresh' candy with just your palms, use the vacuum-cleaner to quick-dry the already semi-dry just-out-of-the-washing-machine clothes, chew a morsel of food in front of the mirror and follow the movement of a particular bit until it gets totally mixed up and can’t be found and last but not the least, give yourself a manicure and a pedicure once every 3 hours.

The very fact that I'm writing such a piece of drivel shows the extent of my joblessness. Oh wait. It would've been better had I tried to write this with my left hand on a glossy chart paper using wax crayons. That would be 'uber'-lame :P

To add fuel to fire, the telecom operators could not have called for a strike at a better time (in the NCR region, where my college is). I just had 50 paise left on my prepaid thing before leaving for home, couldn't get a recharge coz of this blessed strike, hence couldn't receive incoming calls on roaming, hence dint know of the change of electives announcement, hence couldn't change mine on time and hence I'll have to "SEE the GAME!"(Rural Mngmnt), prepare case studies before each lecture (SOM) and attend horrible lectures at 8:30 AM(Strategic Leadership).

I haven't seen the sun in 3 days, haven't shampooed in 6. The Telangana bandhs and the hiked bus-fares have further lowered my already low inclinations to step out of the house. This has by far been the worst vacation in a long time. It’s yet to end but I don’t see it getting any better unless an Xbox 360 or a Gisele Bundchen drop on my lap.

Dated : Jan 13th '10

77. To and fro

Lemme begin with one of Seinfeld's bits(during one of his stand-up shows)

"You know, why we’re here? To be out, this is out…and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People…did you ever hear people talking about “We should go out”? This is what they’re talking about…this whole thing, we’re all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we’re all out! There are people trying to find us, they don’t know where we are. “Did you ring?, I can’t find him.” “Where did he go?” “He didn’t tell me where he was going”. He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation…There you’re staring around, what do you do? You go: “We gotta be getting back”. Once you’re out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it’s my feeling, you’ve gotta go."

Right from the time I started going to school, school was the 'out' for me. Once I'd get back from school, the routine would be to drink some Bournvita and rush 'out' to the playground. When it'd get dark, it was time to get back home, have supper and end the day. My life comprised of many such micro-cycles of "in and out", "to and fro" everyday. Every now and then, there would be the long vacation(once or twice a year) where we'd be 'out'  for a couple of days or so, and then get back to the trivialities and banalities of daily life.

Once the uniform-days got over, by some freaky twist of fate(am yet to know whether it was for the better or worse), I ended up in a university that was 'far' from my place. I mean real far. My definition of 'far' took a real big change. Until then, I'd always crib that my coaching center was 45 mins from my place, was very 'far'. But this was a different 'far' (24 hrs by train). It was a 'far' from where you couldn't return home daily. A 'far' from where your parents could not keep a tab on what you were doing, a 'far' so far that no one in your earlier "world" could see or know of the antics you were up to, unless you told them yourself.

The power was with me. I could decide what to tell, when to tell, what to do and when to do. I was 'out', and it was totally on me to decide when all to get 'back' home from the 'out'. Initially, it was thrilling, having all that decision making power. 'The power to make your own destiny' as the wise fools put it. Planning a trip back home was never easy. The challenge was to combine the holidays with the non-volatile working days so as to minimize the effect of the wraths from the profs(estimating their tantrums and surprise quizzes) and also to not miss any important event in and around college(read: cultural/fashion/rock shows).

But there was always this urge to go home, to get a hero's welcome, to meet old pals, to catch up with the trends in the city, to attend those boring functions sporting  the "sheepish constipated smiley look" all through and to get recharged by eating some gr8 home food. And then, it would be time to get 'back'...Back to the 'out' which had become the new 'in'. Hostel was the new home and the original home became the 'out'. I'd get back to college, all recharged and fresh, with my airbags filled with home food, all set to take on the world. But after sometime (read: 2 months or so), I'd find myself on the losing end of the battle, all drained out and all set to get back home.

But here's the other deal. Each time that you do come back home, you notice that things have changed. And if you've come back after a reasonably long time, then you're at sea unable to cope up with what's happening around. Slowly but surely, there's an alienation of sorts. You are treated more like a guest, offered all the comforts and liberties (unlike earlier, when you'd be accountable for each and everything) and you just can't help it. I remember the time in class 12 when I was lambasted for getting back an hour (or two) later than expected. A year later (in UG), when I did something similar, the response was radically different.

I've been oscillating "to-and-fro" between home and away for the last 7 years now, still not sure as to which is the 'home' and which is the 'away'. If it depends on just the quantum of time that one spends in a physical place, then it’s evident and elementary. But it’s not so simple. If you look at it qualitatively, the one week at home (the one with the parents + siblings) can be more worthwhile and create more memories than the 2 odd months in a hostel or at a PG accommodation.

On one end, I envy those buggers who get to stay at home all their lives, or at least get a job back in their home town (or close to it) after a brief hiatus away from home (for their UG or PG). But I consider myself luckier than those few who've left their homes for distant lands across the seven seas and cannot return home as and when they want to. The fact is, in this new westernized-India, moving away has become an integral part of our lifestyle. But our cultural and homely-roots keep pulling us back with almost as much force, time and again. I’m tired of this see-sawing. Is there no way out of this? Can't things be simpler....sigh !

76. A Swine flu over my ass !

If you cut the crap and look into the facts, you'll find that swine-flu has a lesser mortality/death rate than diarrhoea, pneumonia or TB. Yes, its caused mass-hysteria, but can you blame the poor virus. The media has had such a major hand in spreading exclusively the negative news related to the H1N1. Let me talk about a virus that is far deadlier and has spread beyond control in this country. Its the D.O.R(Death on Roads) virus. It has two variants : death due to driving or death due to being a pedestrian on road. Now you'll ask me as to why D.O.R is deadlier than H1N1. Lets talk some core statistics here.

a) Swine-flu
Deaths reported(till date): 26
Number of infected cases : more than 1000
Estimated loss to GDP(if it becomes an epidemic) :1 - 1.5% of GDP (as given by World Bank)

b) D.O.R

Deaths reported: more than 300 PER DAY

Number of infected cases : the whole illiterate driving population

Estimated loss to GDP(it has become an epidemic) : 3% of GDP

Now you tell me, which one is deadlier and should get more media coverage! Lets look at what the government can do about this. Regular road review programs, more number of roads, strict rules and regulations and the likes. I'll start with the driver's license test.  It's a joke, a mockery, a sham. This test is a very serious affair in developed countries. Dubai's driver's test is presumed to be the toughest and the most rigorous. I've heard of people flunking the test as many as 20 times. Their test is so trusted that the same license is valid in many other countries. And what happens in our 'Shining' India ? (oh how i hate it when someone calls it that)...You needn't know to drive to get a license, you can use the license to practice 'Live' on the roads along side 'Live' people. That's the value we give to our lives(and to that of our fellow Indians).

I got mine only coz I went through a broker. I barely managed to drive a 4-wheeler for which I was bestowed with a combo license(the 2 cum 4 wheeler one)...a license to kill. But I've decided not to unleash my madness on the roads and be a danger to myself and the society at large.

All this aside, the one thing that the government can't do is to change your mindset. They've given you the road, but its upto you as to how you drive. If you as a driver choose to be illiterate, ignorant of the road rules and not valuing your own life, even Lord Ganesha(whose gonna be immersed soon this month) can't help you out.  And for god's sake, don't drink and drive. Develop a road-sense if you don't already have one. Follow the rule whenever, wherever possible. Rules are meant to keep you from succumbing to D.O.R. And if not for your sake, think about the countless other fellow drivers and pedestrians that are likely to get injured coz of your callous driving. Unless you develop this superior-sense, India I'm afraid will never shine.

And before you go buy one N95 mask for the flu, buy yourself a helmet, get your vehicle insured and get it serviced(if need be). And the irritating media will still not take notice, but do your bit by educating your peers about D.O.R. You'll be saving many a lives, I assure you of that.

A small addition...here's a foreigner's view on 'driving in India' - http://www.pixelatedimage.com/blog/2009/08/driving-in-india/

75. Some awkward moments

Disclaimer : This post is not intended to be funny. Its intended to bring the 'awkward' feeling/emotion out, and may be some chuckles in passing.
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Moment 1 : An abandoned rescue

The first week a.k.a the 'Orientation week' in my college is when the PDP(Personality Destruction Program) sessions are conducted all through the night right until early in the morning. I have always been totally against this whole concept of making 23/24 year-olds sit on the grass for hours, shout some stupid slogans, run around the ground, propose to ugly senior girls and similar nonsense, and all this after the freshers have been bombarded with academic sessions from 8 in the morning till 12 in the night. So I donned the role of the rescuer, the messiah, the one who sends the troubled ones back to their hostel rooms for some well-deserved sleep. If I found a junior roaming around aimlessly, unable to finish a task given to him (invariably, the task would be to find some pretty girls and send them over to the senior bunch), I'd ask him whether he wanted to sleep and if yes, would rescue him from the charade. One fine night, during the session, I found a guy just standing, looking clueless and dumbstruck. Being the messiah that I am, I went to him and asked him
  

Me : So....What's the task that these numbskulls have given you ? Do you have to make love with a pole or wat ? 

That guy : (pats me on my shoulder and whispers in my ear) I'm a senior dude.

And then he left. Boy, that was embarrassing. Awkward and embarrassing. I dint know where to go and hide my face that instant.

Moment 2 : All that glitters is not 'Gold'

Was in Dubai doing my summers. Got a call from mom(at home) asking me to buy some gold jewelry. This was the first time that mom had asked me to buy something so huge(price-wise). Till date, mom had only sent me out to make low-value purchases, such as buying coconuts or milk from Latha aunty's store or Bournvita from the Departmental store or Kaju barfis from Halwa-ram Mithai bhandar at most. I was thrilled and also tense. I had to buy something big and the choice was in my hands. So I went the jewelry store, painfully went through all the chains and ear-ring models that they had to offer(thinking long and hard as to what kind of stuff would mom want to sport) and I made my choice. I picked up two chains, both really pretty. Was really confident that mom would like them and laud my taste for jewelry and my choice-making/decision-taking abilities. Summers got over, I went home. Bro was happy with the stuff I got for him. Went over to mom and handed over the chains. I was expecting the "Oh wow. They suit and fit me perfectly. Thank you son :)" kind of a reaction. Mom, on the other hand said "Nice chains. These are for your wife." This one-liner turned an all-smiles environment into a rather weird one. I laughed, looked puzzled, took deep breaths, blinked furiously, sneezed, coughed, but could not manage to speak. It was way too awkward. Here I was, buying something for someone whom I dint know, whom I may never know, who may be allergic to gold(ok, this is rare), or there's also a chance that I may never want any 'someone' too(for life). I wonder how someone else would have gotten outta such a fix-ey situation.

Moment 3 : The bill 


Mom : Go get some coconuts from Latha aunty's store.

Me : Am outta cash mom. Gimme some money.

(The washerman/dhobi comes to collect clothes, each of us give him our dirty linen...and he's busy counting the clothes)

Mom : I gave you 2k just yesterday, where did you blow that money off ?

Me : umm....I bought some shares with it. Investment you see. I want my money to work for me.

(The dhobi interrupts)

Dhobi : Sir, this is yours(hands me a piece of paper)...It was there in your pant pocket.

Mom  (takes the slip from me) : Hmm...a bill of 2K...'Langoors'....apparel store...(I grab the bill back from her)

Me : errm, I just got myself a few undergarments. 

Mom : For 2k ? 

Me : And 2 over-garments too....and the discussion fizzled out

It was two days later that mom found out that 'Langoors' was a female shoppe, when she asked a colleague about the same. It was very awkward. I knew that she knew, but she dint know that I knew that she knew about 'Langoors'. I had expected a flurry of questions but nothing of that sort happened. Some days later, I went out to mom with the begging bowl again asking for money. She gave me some cash, and with a devious smile said "Buy something for yourself this time!". My theft was caught (damn the dhobi, he could've washed the pant with the bill in it, for all I care) and I felt real tongue-tied even standing there trying to sheepishly smile and think of an excuse, which I eventually couldn't :s


Moment 4 : The girl classmate

You get to know that a school's classmate of yours has been selected to join a 'better known institute of management in northern India'. You feel real happy that someone from your old school's class has done real well. With no one else around to share the good news with, you goto dad with the news.

You : Dad, Serafina cracked the feline test and got through to the 'Better known Institute of Management in Northern India' (BIMNI).
Dad : Whose she ? Is she the one from your school ? The class prefect ?
You : Yea, bingo. You've got a great memory.
Dad : If I remember well, you used to get better grades than her in school rite ?
You : Yea, most of the time.(I was already sensing trouble, with the way this conversation was shaping up)
Dad : Then how is it that she has gotten into BIMNI while you're learning management from the 'Lesser known Institute of Management in the Crime-capital of India' ?
You : Awkward pause. Awkward-er smile. Feel stupid. Regret opening your mouth. Get Irritated. Angry.......Shout @$$#0!e...@$$#0!e  in your head. 

The transition from being happy to feeling stupid to getting angry is so swift, it feels like you're sliding down a steep spiral until you fall with a loud thud. And that's when you reach Ground-Zero(GZ...another acronym for the 'crime-capital' where I'm living right now).

74. Dubai chronicles : The Summer of '09

A year back, if some astrologer or parrot holder would have told me that I'd be seeing the Burj Al Arab daily on my way to office or I'd regularly watch movies in a 1 million dirham home theater system, I'd just laugh it off . But then, reality did have something else in store for me.

Before the summer
The moment I was told by the Head HR that I'd be doing my summer internship in Dubai, I was like 'Dubai....ummm....doesn't ring a bell...where is it ?'....and its then that it struck me. An international internship would be an amazing experience, this was what I thought at that moment. When I saw the complete list of ppl selected for the company, my thoughts took a shift. I knew none of the other selected guys/gals. It is then that I realized that this internship may not be so much fun after all. Yea, 2 of them were frm my class but I'd hardly known them over the course of last year. A day before leaving for Dubai, I'd loaded my comp with movies and sit-coms so that I would not get bored on the trip.(Later did I come to know that even the rest of the junta was as apprehensive as I was) I am kinda anti-social and it takes me eons to get to know people. So I'd settled for the lame reality that I'd be going to Dubai alright, but it would be a drab and dull trip where all we'd discuss about would be work and movies and cigarettes and may be liquor.

The beginning
But the very fact that I just watched one movie on the entire trip, never worked overtime in office, spent around half my stipend on Johnnie Walker(the other half on cabs) and a whole lot more on touring, shows that this has been one of the most rollicking trips I've ever been in. The start of the trip was as mysterious as it can get. We just get a mail from the HR saying that we'll be picked up from the airport and taken to a hotel(sounds a bit like those James Bond movies where he's sent over to strange places and picked up by stranger ppl). So we get out of the airport and we wait. We wait. We roam around lookin for ppl holding banners. No luck. We wait. We smoke. We wait. As a desperate measure, we buy a caller card but don't know how and where to use it. We're just about to go all out shouting for help when we see one guy coming towards us holding the right banner. Oh what a relief. We get to the hotel, unpack our stuff and then get together to decide 'What next?'. We go to the receptionist in the anticipation that he might know about our schedule for the next day.

Me(to the receptionist) : What do we have in store for tomorrow ?
Receptionist : Breakfast starts at 7 AM sir.
Me : Did the office ppl inform you regarding any pick up from the hotel.
Rcptnst : No sir, but breakfast timings are form 7 to 10

In essence, the only thing we knew about the next day was that breakfast would be served. Nothing else. This internship was getting more mysterious by the minute. And so we slept. And we woke up the next day. We had our b'fast as instructed, not knowing what to do next. Some of us thought that we'd have a vote-out session, something like the MTV roadies do and that only the survivors would be taken to office on the next day. Some even started searching the room for clues which our company ppl might have left for us to find and figure out what to do next. Anyways, we did reach office by 10 the next day and thus began our internship.

The regular schedule
Not once did any of us take the regular office pick-up cab coz it was way too early. We'd get ready at our own sweet pace, have a sumptuous breakfast(oh how I miss that b'fast spread now) and then take a regular cab to work. On the pretext of going on 'store visits', we covered all the major malls in Dubai(yea, all of 'em).

Creek
The AM-PM mindset shift was drastic. Sitting idle in the office at 10 AM would be the most boring thing, while having hukkah at the 'Creek' at 10 PM on the same day would give you a surreal feeling. The first part of the day would sap the energy out of us(sitting idle in office all the while) while the later part would be great fun(read: awwwessome). The Creek was our regular hangout joint. One boat ride and a hukkah by the Creek side is more refreshing than even a couple of gallons of Glucon D, blv me :P

Crazy
In one word, this Dubai trip was crazy. The hindi song 'Kaise' that played during the fountain show was crazy, the prices in Buddha bar were crazy, the architecture in the malls were crazy, the size of the popcorn bucket(for 30 dhms) in the movie hall was crazy, the fines were crazy, having hukkah every other day was crazy, finishing a carton in 8 days was crazy, the lively audience at the music and dance concert were crazy, the expressions on each of our faces when we converted our whole expenditure into Indian rupees on the last day was crazy too.

Giving elaborate descriptions for the rest of the events/places will make this post a humongous one. So am just jotting down a few things that we did, a few lines that we spoke and a few things we shud not hav done :)

Malls
WAFI : Egyptian pyramid style architecture
Mall of the Emirates - Snow park and Lebanese food
Dubai Mall - Aquarium, Fountain show, the three pretty violinists, the one sad female harp player
Burjuman - was exotic
Markato - English style ka mall
Deira City Center - apna Big Bazaar type, Coldstone ice cream
Times Square Center - Subway :p
Ibn Batutta Mall - Marble Slab ice cream there was yum
Marina Mall - amazing views all over

Places
Madinat Jumeirah, JBR Walk, Open beach, Jumeirah beach, Buddha Bar, Snow Park, Desert Safari, Palm Islands, Ice lounge, Cruise dinner, Carrefour, Karama center, Starbucks (twice), Coldstone (thrice), Bananas pizza

Quotes
'Dubai ke do sabse faalthu phone apan dono ke paas hi hain' - Nitin
'Cute hai' - Nigarish
'Arey nimbu nahin, Nigarish' - Me
Tujhe patha hai, wahaan pe sharks hai yaar....it was sooo amazing - Hemali
'Wat nansense !' - Me
Davidoff  'One' health ke liye acha hai - Alok
'Main Hemali ke paas nahin baithoonga' - Nitin
'Yaar, I think we should get a camel and ride on it in the desert' - Nigarish
'Marina mein ghar saare awesssoooome hain yaar....tujhe patha hai, wahaan pe authentic arabic food miltha hai' - Hemali

'Tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of our lives' - Alok

'Ithna kharcha tho shaayad main apne honeymoon pe bhi na karoon' - Me

Somethings I'd never do otherwise
Order for water worth 1200 bucks in Buddha Bar
Pay 600 bucks for a cab to go to office(daily)
Have a bubble bath every alternate day
Activate a smoke alarm with just a steam bath
Ask a sales executive in a mall as to where the 'exit' is and she replies saying 'I don't know' (wtf !)
Poach on someone else's wi-fi from the hotel room (favee123, favee maatha ki jai ho)
Buy a carton of cigarettes
Eat prawn flavored crackers
Work in  firm where not one person seems to be happy with his/her job
Do spade work for 2 other interns for their final presentation
See Burj Al Arab daily on my way to office
Make 4 others wait for a 7 seater cab(for 45 mins) after getting wet on the beach
Watch movies in a 1 million dirham home theater system
Have two bath-tub baths on the same day
Have a buffet b'fast for a whole month

After summers
All I'm left with now is a group of gr8 memories, a few new friends, a series of stories for all the people back home, and all this backed by 9 GB of pics and videos. Not bad huh...For an internship that was rumored to be shelved and even when it did start, it started in the most untoward fashion. Yes, the trip dint start too well; yes we did have an explosive feedback session with the HR on the last day; yes we did spend a hell lot more than the stipend we got; yes we got cranky during the return flight home(almost high) and yes, we all are yet to get over the Dubai hangover. But all in all, this was one very memorable trip.

73. Online protocols

The rules of the game of  a 'normal conversation' are different when it comes to the online versions of all the interactions we have with everyone around us. Yes, the email, the messenger, skype and other audio/video chat devices have a different set  of protocols to adhere to, which may not apply(cannot be applied) to the normal person-to-person conversation.

What spurred me to write this piece is a small but irritatingly idiotic norm that has gained acceptance in a group that I have to forcibly be a part of. I'm a part of a 60 member class in a b-school. I became a member of a yahoo group that represents the class. The idea of having an online group  primarily was for the CR(class rep) to mail the important announcements to the whole class at once. Some people also exercised the liberty of forwarding "important" (read : shit-piece) articles to the whole group once in a while. But idle time coupled with the ability and power to bug 60 people at once has changed the whole scenario. The people use group mails mostly to have frivolous discussions, to pull one another's leg(like it was done in primary school), to chat about liquor as if its something exotic and out of the world and to vote for the hottest slut in class(there r none btw). And now, there's an addition to the already existing chaotic nonsense. People have started wishing their classmates on their birthdays on the group mail id. Doesn't sound so bad does it. But imagine, you getting 60 mails saying the same "happy b'day XYZ" on every birthday(60 days a year).....won't that bug you ? I don't know, but it bugs the hell out of me. If its someone's birthday, wish him on his id, why do you want the whole fuckin group to know that you're wishing him/her. I've no interest whatsoever in knowing that.

Am I being anti-social here, YES. But am I being pragmatic, double YES!

But its not just this one instance. People abuse the online platform to a great deal just because its a relatively new way of talking and the rules and norms haven't been established yet(they actually have, but we just aren't aware enuf).

People type 'brb' on their messenger windows, never to return back. If a person who types 'brb' doesn't return in 2 minutes flat, 25 GB of gay porn should automatically get downloaded onto his/her PC.

People who say 'gtg' abruptly, with no care for the guy at the other end should have nightmares about having a  date with Himesh Reshammiya, their 'knight in shining armor'.

The number of insane "fraandhsip" requests on orkut and facebook is a testimony to the fact that for every one non-despo, there are a million despos in this country (a blaring example for 'unity in diversity' in our country).

I realize that chatting online does reduce inhibitions, doesn't mean that you go full throttle and flirt like there's no tomorrow. I've seen break-ups happening online(in my hostel), and it isn't a pretty sight....People slamming the mouse pads, kicking the dust bins close to the table and screaming at their room-mates just coz the girl has gone offline and won't take their calls no more.

People use fake profiles on social networking sites to bug their childhood crushes and to stalk their current crushes online(voyeurs or Peeping Toms). I've seen profiles with names like 'Shakila ki maa Tequila', 'Lola kutty in my mutthi' with status messages like 'I want a hasina with pasina', 'Faad ke panty, c*** de aunty' etc etc. For the record, creating a profile with all censored pics and raunchy stuff filled in it is  a very cheap and lame idea to create humor, although it works sometimes :p

People uploading their photos(standing in front of a stupid rock or just posing for the heck of it) and forcing everyone in the colony to view their online albums should be castrated, to say the least(or atleast given 100 lashes with a leather whip).

Proposing online is not  a good way to go about doing it. You never really know if you're proposing to the girl or to her brother (the girl went out to buy some lipstick...the bro, with his group of friends, has been chatting with you all through your flirtatious build-up to the proposal question...how embarrassing).

The 'Busy' status message is by far the most abused one in today's messengers. When someone is 'busy', don't ping them unless your life depends on it. Seriously, its really bugging. Its almost like knocking on a door with a 'do not disturb' sign on it. And there's the other side of the coin where we find people who have the 'Busy' status msg whenever they're online. People just like to look busy, most of them are never busy. Just for the record, if you're taking time off to dig your nose or to eat your ear-wax or scratch your sweaty ass or to refresh the 'orkut' main page or to scroll up and down on your messenger list, you are NOT busy.

And when you've gotto end a conversation, just say 'bye' and end it. Don't prolong it with all those unnecessary words and abbreviations like bbbye, gn, tc, cya, ciao, haffun, gnite and gud luck, cheers, alvida, shabba khair, khuda haafis, boy boy, sheeyaa....all typed one after the other...its mighty irritating for the person at the other end to think of one other thing or to retype the same thing that you've just typed, just out of courtesy.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Most of us just don't get it. So many more protocols get formed and broken online, all it needs is some common sense to  see this nonsense and go senile.