54. Hey teachers! leave them kids alone!

This is the worst class that I have ever taught !
This is the n'th time that I am scolding your class and I feel very bad everytime do it.
This should be the last time that I scold your class for being noisy and indisciplined !
Please be a little serious in the class !
I will not get affected if some of you do not listen to my lecture. It is you who will suffer. It is your career at stake !
This is the most indisciplined bunch of students that I have ever taught !

Are they kidding us ? Do they still believe that this works. Telling us that we're the worst class is like the oldest trick in the book. Come on teachers and professors. Cant you come up with something more innovative. Just updating the curriculum and the courses which you forcibly spoon feed to us hapless students is not enough. Come up with a better way to hold the attention of the class. Its only coz of your inability to hold our attention in the conventional way that you people take to using these kinds of dialogues which have 'emotional blackmail' written all over their faces. If I really was so consistently indisciplined right from kindergarten till my post-graduation, I surely would have become a criminal somewhere down the line. The very fact that I've reached a post-grad college proves otherwise. So why? Why is it that you people are hell bent upon labelling me and a bunch of my peers as indisciplined, worthless, ignorant imbeciles.

I protest !
We don't need no education
We dont need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

53. Snakey - The blue enigma.,

'Dasavataram' is a real life story inspired by Snakey's avatars. His avatars are as follows.
1) German sniper M. (an 18th century assasin)
2) Nai'X (50 B.C Greek mythological God who fought the Shadow fiend)
3) Mojo (Mojo is rising.)
4) Rimbaud like Snakey (26th century poet)
5) CoLdbLood (Vachesthunnaru vachesthunnaru vachesthunnaru....)
6) lavanyA. (Snakey loves himself so much that he reincarnated in the female form and married himself)
7) Jew (A 1930's snake charmer who danced with the angels to celebrate the holocaust)
8) S4 (Surrealist Snakey's Secret Society 's founder and the only member)
9) Tyler Durden (Snakey's alter ego)
10) Phani Shashank (Jack's broken dream)

- Snakey lives in parallel universes traversing through alternate timelines.

- Snakey has one girlfriend in every continent of the world, per universe.

- Snakey believes that sporting 'kaajal' on his eyelashes will give him a good score on the Counter-Strike(CS) server.

- Snakey always updates his 'about me' the moment he wakes up from his sleep, and he sleeps three times a day.

- When Snakey uploads a photo in his album, it gets blurred automatically.

- Snakey has been molested more number of times than anyone else, except Rahul Sharma.

- Snakey once laugh-farted continously for 5 minutes. Now a laugh-fart is a combo of human body responses where air gets exhorted from one's mouth first and from the ass thereafter, with each response sounding more like the other.

- Snakey ate a Frankie with Prankie in front of a monkey.

- Snakey can transform into a night-stalker just by wearing a 2K rupee night-pant, even during the day.

- Snakey once shared a 'Macaroni Marlboro' with the Naix after THEIR victory over the blood-thirsty cannibals under the pyramids of Mount Olympia.

- Snakey thought he could reach the 'Red oblivion' by dyeing his hair(only his sidelocks) red.

- If every sentence of yours ends with 'man', you are allowed to sleep on or below Snakey's bed.

- In every typed message of yours, only if commas and full stops exceeds the number of words, will it appear on Snakey's scrapbook.

- Snakey is spelt as S.hNa.KeY, (dont forget the space after the comma).

- Snakey loves Ingrid Bergman.

- Snakey discusses Existentialism and Objectivism at bed time with the 'man' and the dog who sleep under his bed.

- Snakey's poems are more encrypted than a regular SSL secure connection.

- Google crashed when Snakey searched for "M. + GerMAny + SArtRe + surreaLism + shlokie".

This is a joint effort from me and Potu. Please comment :)

52. An outburst

Alrite.Am gonna sound a bit patronizing but since this is an 'outburst' post, I dont care. People tell us that we need to have goals, ambitions and aspirations. Look at what you want to be, say 5 years from now or 10 years from now. Then model your way of thinking to attain that goal. They go to the extent of telling that a goal-less man/woman is bound to fail in life. He/She will definitely go wayward. And when i be honest and tell them that I really dont have any such ambition till now, they go ahead and tell me that i need to be responsible and take stock of my life.

Isn't this bullshit fed into our minds from day 1, from the day we learnt to understand what a human mouth could convey. All I wanna ask you people is, do you know what's going to happen tomorrow ? or the day after ? No, you dont. Then do you know what's gonna happen to YOU tomorrow, or the day after ? Do you even bloody realise that death is the only truth in life ! And you people are conveniently avoiding to face it day in and day out, building dreams and what not. You may not exist for long. You may become impotent or go blind or win a whore-house in a lottery or die due to constipation. Anything's possible. Then how is it that you can be so sure of being an investment banker or a CEO of a company in 10 years from now? Ok, if you arent so sure of that, you atleast seem pretty sure that you will be living until then. What gives you that confidence? And what audacity you have to come tell me or anyone else that if I dont have a long term goal, I will suffer in life, struggle in life !

Life's one big journey people. You never know when it'll end. All you know is that you've got the chance to live this moment and so go ahead and live it, embrace it, enjoy it. In this way, when life does end, you dont look back at it and say that I was running all along the journey and never had time to stop at the pitstops and look at the world around. Dont compromise on the present for the future, coz you never know if you do have one. And if you really dont have an ambition as of now and people are forcing you to get one, show them the midde finger and move on. Or better yet, laugh at their ignorance.

51. The Open tap

I see the public tap left open when i walk on the road which leads to my place. I realise that illiterate people may not understand the complete picture, that they may not posess the comprehendable capacity to know the implications of their actions or rather inactions. Water is getting wasted. I go close the tap and walk along.

I stop at an Irani cafe for some chai and biscuits. I goto wash my hands and the washroom tap is half open. I just close it and leave the cafe.

(Sometime back)

I used to stay at a PG (paying guest) accomodation where we people (all 22-25 year old software professionals) had to make do with common bathrooms and a common TV. I used to see the washroom tap being left open from time to time. Educated people these guys were. They were a young, responsible part of the corporate world, doing hi-fi techie work and earning a lot of money. Then how could they not understand the profoundity of the impact of the plunder of this natural resource we call water. I used to shrug and then go close the tap.

I used to work in a software firm, where ach employee having a certain degree of civility and awareness is paramount. The taps in the washrooms would be left open. Now here were not just well educated but highly experienced people. People who had seen a lot in life, had 'experience' in every sense of the word. And yet this apathy. Why ? I used to ask myself the same question so many times. Why ? And never was there an effort from the organization's side to create awareness about the wastage of sucha precious resource. Yes, there used to messages hung near the urinals asking us to pee on target and not to go haywire. But never a conscious attempt to spread the 'conserve water' message.

I have shifted base now. Have quit the software firm and have joined a b-school. The place is filled with ambitious people in their mid and late twenties. People who wanna learn about business, get into high profile jobs and earn obscene amounts of money. Also, there are faculty/professors who have innumerable qualifications; qualifications which any average individual would take five life-times to obtain. But here again, be it the canteen, be it the library, be it the faculty block or be it the mess, I see that the water taps are left open time and again.

Its apalling. Now I am sure of one thing. Being aware of your surroundings and being sensitive to it is not dependant on one's level of education or intellect. But now, that complicates the problem even further. If education cant create awareness in the right sense of the word, then what can? How is it possible for ppl to realise their ecological footprint can and should be minimised. Just give it a thought.

50. My 50th post : The First first

My name is Anthony Gonzalves...no(hiccup)...its(bah its the rum talking now)....Abhay krishna.



Yea, I look like a villain dont I. I've always aspired to be a Bollywood villain, a Gulshan grover types(Bad man)....Alrite. 50th post. Applause applause. And I thought this post should be about 'me'. So here goes.

Being first feels good. No two ways about it.You work hard, earn your top position in this competitive world and that certainly does give you an achievement to cherish and get a high. But what if you get to the first/top place in the list without doing anything yourself. No, I am not talking about the intelligent snobs who get the grades, the top positions at work and say that they never studied or did any work to get there. Such snobs are just scared to admit that they did work(in many cases, worked a lot) to get to where they have got. May be their ego gets in the way, they are afraid that their image will go for a toss. Or may be they have plans to patao-fy some dumb blondes,who want brainy guys by their side to get them through all their tough times(read : learn for exams or complete project tasks or baby-sit the neighbour's kid or buy under-garments for the boyfriend).

I ain't talking about the existing reservation system either,although it has, and will keep putting ordinary performers on top of merit lists for a long time to come. No, this is a different issue. When it comes to having an order in a large list of names to be stored , in many such cases, they are ordered lexicographically. Which is where the problem begins. Yours truly has a name that beats most (in many cases all) names when it comes to alphabetical ordering. I mean, unless you have an Aakashwani or an Aakash(generally spelled Akash, but watever) or an Aashirwad or an Aadimaanav in your list, my name generally comes first. This is true for your mobile phones or even your messengers(google, yahoo when arranged alphabetically) or your MS outlook search finder or on social networking sites(orkut, facebook and the likes).

This 'being the first on a list' curse has been haunting me since childhood. In school, I was always roll number 1 in class. And having the roll number 1 meant many rituals used to start with me. Be it a homework check or an assignment submission check or the teacher giving a unit test paper's answer sheet (and whacking me for helping another fella) or a 'shoe polish and clean nails' check. I used to be the scapegoat when the teachers would'nt find targets to shoot at. The computer madam used to sit near the entrance of the computer lab and me being number 1, used to sit on a comp right next to her. I used to dread the moments when there would be a lot of ruckus in the lab. She'd be so lazy that she'd never get up and very conveniently would hit me with the stick as only I was within her hittable range. And in the Hindi language class, it was always - "Roll number 1, tu dusht baalak, sadha badmaashi kartha hai. Class se tumhe barkhaasth kar doongi main".The maths prof would go like - "Number 1, character is very important. You may study well, but improve your character first."(And all this lecturing because i stole all the chalk pieces from the chalk-box and our group played 'maar-an-peeti' with the chalks during lunch hour).

Note : 'maar-an-peeti' is a brutal game where the one with the chalk in his/her hand tries hitting the ppl in the opposite team with all force, so much so that some have dislocated shoulders after hurling the chalks :)

The school principal would come to each class to give the grade cards after each test. He'd give lengthy monologues to the first 10-15 and then realize that he's wasted a lot of time and so quickly give away the rest of the cards and walk off. I used to bear the brunt of so much of his verbal diarrhoea, bahh, real painful it used to be. One eccentric lazy prof, so lazy that he'd always find excuses for not having corrected our homeworks and assignments. He'd just look at mine, and if I had'nt done well, he'd go like -"Roll number 1 has done so badly, that i dint even feel like looking at the rest of the papers", and then he'd gimme a thwack on the head with my own pencil box.


That was school, and once it got over, I thought the curse would fade away. But no. Every other day, I get a stray sms on my mobile. Messages not intended for me, and some which are definitely not intended for anyone other than the intended person coz of the censored content. People forget to lock their phone keypads and keep the cell in their pockets. The result of this small error is that I get called or I get blank messages or the message which they would have composed for the previous sender. Lemme tell you how this happens. Take a standard nokia phone. Unlock ur keypad, press the top left button once, u get the 'main menu', press again and u goto 'messages', then press it again, u goto 'create message' and press it once more and u get to the address list where my name is inevitably the first one on the list. The record is 64. Yea, have received 64 blank STD sms's from one guy at one go. Some have hit the 35 mark, some used to stop after 20.

I get so cheesed off that I call them up and tell them that their keypads are unlocked and that their phones are clinging close to their butts. Have got very many supposedly 'private' content containing msgs(intended not for me: just a clarification) , sometimes feels like I am a secret agent or a TV 9 channel reporter looking out for sleaze. And they don't even realize that I have this info, which makes the situation all the more weird. I'd get msgs like "I love you lots. Got a gift for you. Lets meet at 'coffee day' at 7 today love." And when I'd ask this same guy who sent the msg to a certain 'her' and to me(accidentally) about where he was the last evening, he'd say that he had to visit his relatives for some pooja. I would just chuckle quietly, not knowing what else to do(coz i certainly cant tell him that i knew). And its not just the guys, even the girls are just as careless. They've made me peek into places where they dare not allow even the bestest of frens(and blv me, those places are so so...... secret heh)

Its the 'pursuing the girl during the break-up' and the 'make-up after a break-up' messages that piss me off the most.
"Ohh i like you so much. I will do anything for you. I will never smoke ever again. God promise. Can we talk. Please pick up my calls".
"I am so glad its all over. Its so nice to be with my darlo again. Sweetie, i know god is there, because we are back together."
"Without you, life seems so empty...so empty, that if I fill it with water, I can have a nice swimming pool."(Ok , I made this one up :P)

Ok, these messages are supposed to be mushy and nice and all that un-understandable crap, but why am i getting them? why me :( Now, you may wonder how do I get misdirected unwanted calls? The top-left button and the one right below it, when kept pressed, in some permutation/combination will lead to me receiving a call coz of my 'first' curse. I've heard some really interesting conversations, ppl flirting with their girl friends, fighting with their parents, buying contraceptives at the medical store and the works. Its almost like having a secret power, like Mel Gibson had in 'What women want' or Jim Carey in 'Bruce Almighty'. But I dont want this power. Please take it away. Because with great power comes great responsibility(spidey style) and i am not good at being responsible in any sense of the word.

A friend, I call him langa-man, always bugs me. "Whenever I open my phone book, you're there. Even when I search for a friend on orkut, your profile pic is right there on the top left of the screen. Have to read your name whether I like it or not. Abhay...why dont you change your name to langa ? or how about 'gareeb khan' ?". I tell him "rather than asking me to go for a name change, why don't you add a garbage entry in your phone before mine. That'll save you the trouble of looking at my name and even I will be at peace without the accidental calls and msgs from you."

*NEW ADDITION*

In the b-school that i am currently studying(or rather whiling away my time)in, my roll number is again #1. And because of this, no one is ready to give a proxy attendance in a lecture for me. They say that every professor would recognize the first roll number and so giving a proxy for me would be very risky. But they expect me to give proxies for them ! Why me ? :(

ps : whoosh, this 50th post surely was long, but was not the 'first' to be so :)

48. The tale of a troubled phone 'callee'

What is the one important tangible thing that makes you happy after it rings or vibrates the way you want it to? Yes, I am talking about the cell-phone, also called the mobile. A smile springs up on your face the moment you get a call from a loved one. A funny sms cracks us up. We tend to re-read these msgs when we're down. We call the ppl we care for. We switch on to our favourite radio station when we're on our way to office.

We take pictures and videos, mostly non-scandalous ones, to capture moments and create memories. We're very proud when we show to others that our mobile has a certain GPRS or PQRS or Blue-tooth or Red-dick super-duper mumbo-jumbo technology. We take it to heart when someone says that our mobile model isnt worth its money, that there are better sleeker models. In essence, we all love our mobiles. They keep us connected with our world and we do agree that they are an inseparable part of our bodies err... lives.

However, there's a problem. Since the mobile is always with you, its a sort of a tracking device, a sensor embedded in your lower pant pocket. We can live with this if only the ppl who care for you, call you, as they are concerned about your whereabouts. But it is when the boss calls you up at midnight or your team mate calls you during a suspense movie to show up at work or a pest who thinks you're his only friend calls during lunch hour that you go mad. Then there are the choosaks(read : suckers. ppl who call only when the want something from you) whom you cant avoid no matter what. You want be left alone with yourself without any one bothering you for long, but that never happens.This is precisely why doctors in the US use beepers instead of phones. Coz its one-way. You need'nt reply. You can reply when u want to. You can reply if the message merits a reply.However, these ppl are still bearable.

What pisses you off even more is when you get calls from banks,credit card and insurance companies,lotteries, hallo ween costume sellers and Dawood Ibrahim(oops). These are ppl who have never seen you, will never ever want to see you, but want the money that you have.(As I write this, my manager at work just got a call from an insurance company....lolz). And not so surprisingly, all these callers are women, women who have tried their level best to cover up their butler-english with some better english. And my god they speak so fast. I dont blame them. I blame the ppl who have stolen our numbers, stolen our right to solitude from us. When you begin to earn 10 bucks, there are 200 ppl who want you to invest/spend your 10 bucks on them. Here are a few sad conversations I've had in the recent past.

Conversation 1 :
She(at light speed) : gud evening sir. I am talking from Nitwit Bank. We are offering you personal loans sir. Its got a very small premium...blah blab blah....
Me : stop stop. I am not interested. Thank you.

Conversation 2:
Another 'She'(again at light speed) - gud evening sir. I am talking from H-SHIT. We want you to know about our credit card. We will come to your door step and give it. It is free of cost. You can get discounts on purchasing pencils from any stationary store in the world. Would you want to take our credit card?
Me : No.
She : Why sir ?
I hang up. Now they even want to know why we dont want to take their credit cards !!

Conversation 3:
Yet another 'She' (at normal speed) : Sir, can i have 5 minutes of your time.
Me : No.(And i hang up)

Conversation 4:
He(surprising) : Gud morning sir. You have been chosen from a lucky draw to be a recipient of our offer. A free trip to Bangkok and Thailand for 2, provided you buy 10 vaccum cleaners from us.
Me : (start sobbing) Why me ? This early in the morning, why only me ?

Conversation 5:
She : Sir you are working for Mindtree right?
Me : Yes.
She : And you have experience in .NET right ?
Me : You're creeping me out. How did you know that ?
She : We are a job-finding company and want to let you know that there are openings in 3 companies which sit your profile.
Me : Can you call me like this ? How did you get my number ?
She : I know which project you are working for. How satisfied are you with your job ? Do you want a shift ?
Me : Hmmmmm....I dont know.
She : Take my number. Give me a call when you are sure enuf about leaving your job. (And she hung up)

I was dazed and confused.

Conversation 6 :
He (surprising again) : Hi Abhay. I am your senior from college. Want you to know that we have started a business and would want you to join it. Come to Koramangala this weekend, we'll give you a presentation about our product.
Me : Ok. What would i have to do in the business?
He : For starters, invest 30,000 bucks and buy our product. And then market it.
Me : err....I'll get back to you later.

Turned out, he's another one of those Am-way suppliers and wanted me to join the bandwagon. I showed him the thumbs down and he never called. Have been troubled by Amway and GoldQuest irritants till now, and have had enough of this in your face product advertising for life.

Sometimes, I feel i should've been living in the 50's or 60's, way before this traumatizing cellphone revolution took our country by storm.Now, Vodafone charges a call-block service for Rs.90/month whereas it should be doing that for free. Coz I feel its a part of the service that they are offering. We have the right to speak to whoever we want to. Not with every other jerk/jerkess in town. And if this wasnt bugging enough, talk about the spam SMS messages that we get. Numerous. Infinitely countable. Infinitely irritating.

Message 1:
Dear Customer, If you pay your phone bill within the next 10 days, you will be a part of a lucky draw with prizes worth lakhs of rupees (to be eventually distributed among crores of subscribers.)

Message 2:
If you are calling someone and like their caller-tune, just press * and it gets set as your tune. How easy!!! @ Rs.45/ song (Yea right. How easy it is to rip ppl off!! You press the * by accident and oops, 45 bucks down the drain.)

Message 3:
Participate in this breath-taking, exciting, shit-farting contest, send us an sms and get a chance to win free IPL tickets to see the unchargable Deccan chargers lose again. Rs.9/sms

Message 4:
Interested in cars? Listen to all the popular car sounds right here. Dial 51555 and listen to your favurite car ignition sounds @ Rs.6/minute.

Message 5:
Get tips on how to make your love life interesting with Romance alerts. Dial *123*85# to activate @ Rs.30/minute and bring out the romantic side in you.

Message 6:
Struggling hard to impress a girl and understand her ? Get tips from girls on what they like and what not.SMS GIRL to 51515. Rs.3/sms.

And if that is not bad enough, I get the same sms(the last one) twice on the same day. I mean, I know that I cant impress girls coz that's me, cant change that trait no matter what. But is it necessary for these numb-nuts to remind me of that once in every 12 hours !In this country, where there is no dearth of 'single-and-ready-to-mingle despos', i'd prefer if these idiots wouldnt make attempts to get me added to that list.

Such messages are precisely the reason I gave the idea of developing a message(sms or mms or wateva) blocker. People laughed at me when i gave this idea for my summer intern(4 years back) at Reliance, DAKC, Mumbai. Ppl said that messages are costly and that no one would waste their money by spamming to your cell-phone. Now have a look. So much c-spam(cell phone spam) around. Right from unwanted information about matrimonials to car-ignition sounds to condom-hurling coconut trees, we get all kinds of crappy messages. In hindsight, an idea could have saved so much hardship for so many of us.

47. The 'Young Uncles'

Our subconscious mind can be very perceptive at times. On some days - from the moment you wake up - you somehow get this feeling that this just isn’t going to be your day. Well, this Valentine's day happened to be one such day. You wake up to find your toothpaste tube mutilated, twisted and squeezed beyond recognition. You feel a little sad for it, and don’t wanna put it through any more torture. So, you drop it off in the trash can, and head for the nearby grocery store to get a new one. Needless to say, the store is out of stock; not a single tube of paste left.

So, you get to begin your day with a fist full of “Dabur-laal danthmanjan” (for first timers, it tastes really weird). Well, if this wasn’t a sign enough about the things to follow, your cell-phone charger stops working.

But, as they say, the show must go on, and so must the day. So, you take your soap-dish with 3 soaps (one half used ‘RIN’ bar, one fully used ‘Pears’ bar and one brand new ‘Dove’ bar) and head to the bathroom (a PG bathroom which happens to have two pots, one western and the other Indian, facing each other). On any normal day, you would come out fresh after having undergone the ritual of a nice hot shower. But, it is when you trip while entering the bathroom, causing the ‘Dove’ bar to fall into the western loo and the ‘Pears’ bar to fall into the Indian loo, that you realise that you are left with the semi-used ‘Rin’ bar to have your bath with; it is then that you know for sure that it isn’t one of your days.

You perform a simple no-soap face wash, and then look up into the mirror. You admire your french beard for a while (maintaining one is no mean feat), and it is then that you notice that there is some glittering thing on your head, in your image. You think it's some shiny glitter material, and move your hand across your hair to remove it. To your absolute and utter dismay, it’s a white hair. Yes! a white hair - the first of its kind that reared its ugly head, on your head. You resist the temptation to pluck it (after all, don't they say: pull out one white hair, and ten will come up in it's place) and just wonder how worse the day can get. Then, you head to a friend’s place. You send him an SMS letting him know that you’re waiting for him outside his house. A few kids playing street cricket close to his house grab your attention, and you start watching the match with some interest. It is then that something happens, which completely rocks you off your balance.

A kid hits the ball in your direction. It comes and stops right in front of you. Another kid - the fielder - comes near you, and yells “Uncle, ball please”. It is then that lightning strikes, reality dawns. Uncle???

It wasn’t long ago when you used to call people "Uncle". "Maybe it is the french beard?" you think, "...or perhaps the formal dress?", "...it could be that single strand of white hair." You take a brief de-tour down the memory lane. 10 years rewind, back in class 8, when the cricket matches in the street outside your house were the talk of the neighbourhood. It was you who used to address people as "uncle" and "aunty", whenever the ball fell in their backyards. Then you’d started using the terms ‘bhaiyya’ and ‘behen ji’ which were a little less harsh, and a bit more welcome by all and sundry. The question that pricks you the most is how was it that you fell from 'caller' side (the guy who used to call others 'uncles') to the 'callee' side (read: the guy who began to be called an uncle) in such a short span of time.

Reminds you of the character of 'Pooja' from the TV sitcom "Hum Paanch" which used to be aired on Zee TV in the late 90's. Everyone on the show would call her 'Pooja aunty' (she's in her early twenties in the show) to which she'd get mighty offended and depressed. Her stereotypical response would be : "Aunty math kaho naaaaaaaaaa....." (Don't call me Aunty). You picture yourself in her position, reflecting how sad it would be to go around asking kids not call you an uncle. Go to every kid who has ever called you an uncle and say 'Uncle math kaho naa.....' You then actually wonder whether drowning yourself in a fistful of water would be a better option than to say those utterly ego-destroying words.

You come back to the not-so-pleasant present; a present where you've been branded as the 'uncle of the day'. Being in your early twenties is a big pain in itself. But now that you are an 'uncle' you can’t throw that devil-may-care 'cool-dude' attitude, and those teenager tantrums, and get away with them. You can’t play street games like 'seven stones' and 'gilly danda' without getting stared at by everyone in the colony. You can’t play snooker for long hours because your software job has already wrecked havoc with your backbone. By this time, you are aware of the fact that you no longer can be called a kid or an innocent child to cover up for all your blunders. You also become aware of the fact that your dream of being the biggest and the 'deadliest' programmer in the world and owning Microsoft by the age of 30 is not going to come true. The term 'girlfriend' doesn’t mean someone who'll smile at every joke of yours, ask for your help in her record-writing work, and who comes with you to a movie when you ask her to bunk classes. You realize that you got to be prepared for heavy words like : 'commitment', 'dedication', and heavier phrases like: 'Tell me why you like me', 'If you love me, prove it'.

Amidst all this chaos, if you get the 'young uncle' brand label all of a sudden, your already disturbed disturbances get so much more disturbed that no matter what happens henceforth, they can’t be disturbed anymore. There's just one small consolation that you're yet to be called 'grandpa'. Your friend, who has a bit more of white hair than a usual 22 year old, comes out of his house to greet you. Again, a kid who is batting hits the ball close where we are standing. Another fielder kid comes close, and says 'Thaatha, ball ivvu'(Grandpa, ball please). He gets furious, takes the kid aside, and tells him - "Hey...call me 'bhaiyya' or even 'uncle' if you want to. Please don’t call me 'Thaatha', please".

You burst out laughing, right in the middle of the road, and then overhear some kid saying, “Hey, just look how that uncle is laughing.”

We are the ‘young uncles’, we are here to stay, and we are going to rock the world.

This article has been put up on http://themag.in , do chk it out.

46. Convocation '07 : The last tango

Dated : 20th Jan '08
DA-IICT.

Seldom do I really feel sad. Its over. College is over. There is no going back now. Will i ever meet the friends i made here again? I may have seen some people for the last time in my life yesterday. Why do good things have to end? Why is life like this? You take time to get attached to a certain something/someone and by the time you do get attached, its time to move on and get detached. Why the fuck. What the fuck.

I owe it all to this place. Have changed so much as a person over the last four years. Was a frog in the proverbial well before I came here. Its made me wiser, stronger and open minded. The cliched phrases like 'enjoyed like hell','we had amazing fun','totally awesome','that was excellent dude','oh god, this is heaven'; started to make sense to me only after i entered this place. Its made me what i am today. The things i did here will forever be etched in my memory.
Just goes on to remind me of the lyrics from a song 'Graduation' by Vitamin C.

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together

And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

I never thought I’d miss this place, dint feel so even after taking the degree from the hands of the 'Anil Ambani' replacement. But its only when I got into the train today that it all sunk in. This was 'the last tango'. People would go ahead on their own paths from now on, paths which would seldom intersect.

I look at my degree certificate and the first thing my mind wants to say is - "Yes! finally achieved something. Spent the last four years of my life to get this."....But that's not the complete picture. Its not just the destination but also the journey that matters. The things i learnt, the games i played, the friends i made, the fun we had, the profs who loved to screw us, the joints we used to hang out at - ' galla, SP, Haveli, Trupti', the jokes we cracked, the movies we saw, the exam tension we shared on the night before the exam, the nick names we had for one another, the music we listened to, the night-outs we had, the 1'o clock Maggi and the 5 o'clock poha, the toothpastes that we'd steal daily, the innumerable crushes and failed love stories, missing a pop-quiz coz u overslept that day, the ever dependable 'Daddu' and his son who always had PMS, the library books that we never returned on time, the proxies during attendance(there was one during the convo too), the 'Innovation center' foundation stone which has been there for more time than most of us, the stinky sprinklers which kept us from lying down on the lawns, the irritating gandhinagar government officials - be it the railway office or the passport office, the 'oh gandhinagarrrrr...' type chants from he jeep drivers on the highway, the lengthy train rides back home whenever a vacation would start....all these and many more. So many memories attached with this place, can’t just simply get detached and move on so easily.

This convo was like a refresher of sorts. After being out in the 'real' world for the last 6-8 months, it was so gud to get back to coll, revisit old times, times when things were simpler, when people around used to think the same way that you did, when the jokes you cracked were laughed at, when you dint have to adjust and compromise as much. But I guess it had to end some day. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. There's a saying that goes like this - "Life is'nt easy, live it." So what I need to do is pick up the pieces, move ahead with happy memories from this place, being grateful to that supernatural force for giving me the chance of spending years in this place.

I think there should be more of such reunions. There should be a "Home-coming" sort of an event(coming back to the alma mater) held every year during a particular time, so that everyone, whose there at any place can make plans and make time to attend the reunion. Some good colleges do have this sort of an event on a regular basis, its high time we started one for our college.

This trip to attend the convocation just reminds me of this one cool and meaningful song, title song for the sitcom "Cheers". The lyrics go like this....

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?(pause)

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.

You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.

I end this post on a jerky note(cant write much more, am on the verge of getting teary, which I dun like....so I end this here)

45. 'I dont have'

After two months of being in a new job in a new city, I was gonna have my first break. Was on my way to the bus station to board an APSRTC 'Hi-tech' semi-sleeper to goto Hyd(home sweet home). I made a brief halt at a stall outside the bus station to buy some mineral water and snacks for the trip. The moment i turned around to head for my bus, a beggar stood in my way. He had his palms stretched out and gave me the 'I am a poor guy, give me something' look.

In a hurry, I just told him - "Sorry, mere paas dene ke liye kuch nahin hai".("Sorry, I have nothing to give").To which he replied - "Kya saab, khaane ke liye khaana hai, peene ke liye paani hai, aur aap bolthe ho ki kuch nahin hai".("You have food to eat and water to drink, and you go on to tell me that you have nothing"). For a moment, I was stunned, but dint react and headed for the bus stop.

A few friends from another software company(read:Lynch-fosys) who were boarding another bus in the same station came to meet me.

Friend1 (f1) - You've not just put on weight, you've put on volume dude !
Me- Yea, one of the many plus points of being in a software job.
Friend 2 (f2) - Hows your job?
Me - Training just got over. They're screwing us so much and paying us so little.
f1 - Same here da. I am neck deep in debts.
Me - What did you do to get yourself into this mess.
f1 - Well, bought an iPod. A digi-cam for my sis, an MP3 player for my cousin and finally bought a bike for 60K.
f2 - Even I'm thinking of getting a Blackberry and a lappy soon.
Me - Oh my. and you say you're getting paid less.
f1 - Dont tell me that you dont have any such plans.
Me - Well yes. Have to fulfill a big wishlist that's waiting for me at home.
f1 - And you say you have 'very little'.

Even though that friend told the last line in passing, it really did ring a bell. Why did i crib about not getting paid well? Why could'nt i see the comforts that the new job had provided me with, the purchasing power that it gave me(I mean, it is after all,a 5 figure salary, even if its on the lower half of the lower side, it still is reasonable).

I get to Hyd, take an auto from the bus station. The afternoon traffic being on the high side, the auto had to move at a snail's pace for a long time. There was a huge traffic jam at a place, the reason for the jam was the installation of digital meters for all the autos in the city.

Me - Is there only one place in the city where this installation is being done?
Auto Driver (AD) - Hau saab. Look at the number of autos that are parked in and around the area. It took me two days to get a meter for my auto.
Me - That's very wrong. But its good in a way that proper digital meters are there in all autos.
AD - Kya saab. how much will an auto fellow cheat a customer with a tampered meter. 'Ek rupiye pe bees paise bhi nahin bantha saab'.
Me - At least you ppl speak of meters here. There in bangalore, its all flat rates. they charge such high rates and they wont take a customer if he's goin for a short distance.
AD - Wahi saab. Auto driving has become very cheap in people's eyes nowadays. Think of it from our perspective once. We never eat on time, we dont get to spend any time with our families, stand in queues all night at the gas filling stations. With the soaring petrol and gas prices, what will we get from the fare that you pay us by the meter. How do you think we should live without getting that little extra. And once I drop you off, you think i'll immediately get a customer. I'll surely have to go another 2-3 kilometers without a customer. How do you think we people should run families with lives like this saab....

These small conversations made me a have new perspective on what all 'I have' and have taken for granted thus far.

Reminds me of a line from a Phil Collins song - "Oh think twice. It's just another day for you and me in paradise."

44. A nick-flashback - 2

Well, this post is to prove that my creativity/sanity is still in place, that the assimilation programme(read: brainwashing) at my office has'nt corrupted my grey cells. Yes, it wont be as funny as the last one, coz of the absence of Jj's and Sj's, But it'll be worth the while. Lemme start off in a pious fashion, by giving another small tidbit about our very own Pope. This is what someone wrote abt him, picked it up from orkut.

Pope -

Good Thing : He's the only person who has no good thing abt him. So in a way, that's unique.

Bad Thing : Ok Guys the list is going to be a long one. ya i knw topic was abt only one bad thing but this guy sucks like hell.
1.) I mean for god sake's, Moorthy's post is above him and he replies with a post for Abhay Krishna. How GAY Is tht?
2.) This guy had something going with his last roomie Anil Mohan too, that's cheating ..having two partners ...right..
3.) Can't understand a damn word of wtf language he speaks. Can't understand his HIndi, engish or telegu. Where r u frm Praveen. Not from this planet at least.
4.) Biggest farter in the Coll. I mean guys are shiftin their room due to him.
5.) I dont think he has taken a bath since this year Techfest.
Chalo thts enough for now..

...........Nice way to begin a post na :)

Don - 'vasakolla', 'bengagaandu', 'academic representative', 'kanakam', 'konda naluka kostha', 'Naveen Francis'.......He hails from 'the Lands of Rahul sharma alias Java alias eamcet 79'. Easily the most famous personality among the telugu gang in coll. The last update i got was that he was sent back from TI to Mindtree for having an illicit affair with a 60-year old guy who cleans the floors there.

Pepe - No, he dint get his name coz of his Pepe jeans. 'Pepe' when expanded was meant to be read as 'porno people'. Its a race of ppl who shoot mallu porn using hidden cams. We r proud to say that our Pepe was the inspiration for the blossoming of a hugenumber of bright young enthusiastic mallu porn movie makers. We found out about his hidden occupation through a sting operation of our own. How it all started is a story which goes like this (this was back in sem 1).

pandu - arey pepe, what do u do all day? you never come out to play.
pepe - nothing yaar. i just sit in the room, do nothing.
pandu - hey, why dont u shoot pron with a cam?
pepe - wow, cool idea :D

..........And the rest is history.

Miss 'pointed' - Swear to god, i overheard prateek say this once. 'Arey yaar, woh bahut ajeeb si dikhti hai. uski naak pointed, uske boobs pointed, sab kuch pointed pointed hai'...roflol

Sam - movies ante Sam . songs ante Sam. AWP ante Sam. dope ante Sam. Club 8 ante Sam :) We're die-hard snakey fans. I'd dance madly to the tune of 'keechurallu' , a song that always played in his room.

Laggie - Picture this. A guy who looks at the monitor(comp screen) with the same intensity, be it an embedded systems lecture, or a 'Charmy' picture, or a video file from the folder 'Bhaktha Prahalad'.......would you believe that the same guy dozed off in the middle of a sizzling 'aria giovanni' video ! Well, that's laggie for you. sleeps while watching pron, watches pron in his sleep. His 'shoban babu ring' pic is still the highest rated pic in 'Dobbudu gang'.

Bongu - The tallest, the loudest,the unluckiest....many superlatives get attached to this fellow. He's got the shortest roommate too :P The both of us have just completed a 6-month course on 'how to sustain and survive prolonged assrape and molestation', taken by a beloved psycho prof whoz got a daughter who happens to be a 'tooth fairy'.

Potti - Has got the tallest roommate :P This guy couldnt tell orange from yellow after getting a high. Very well known are his angry outbursts. Karthik oops Creek god used to say "I've stopped telling him jokes. Coz the moment i do, he'd ask me questions,logical doubts about the joke." Guru clan dint win a single match when he was the leader :P


Cheeni meeni - Everyone loves to hate her. She and bongu were a killer combo. She'd start of every sentence with 'Hey Manoharrrrr'..... She'd speak to him in rhymes. Here's one rhyme i heard her say.

Cheeni meeni miney moe,
Oh bongu, come near, i'll give u a hot blow.


Tarak-ovski - 'Taradov', 'taraka-LAM', 'COP-ratna','Tiki-pedia','kama tarara' ...the list is endless. He'd speak his mind always, which, in the case of an average man is very good. But when taraka speaks his mind, its Apocalypse now. When someone asked him 'How do we get medicine from the net?' , he replied - 'Take the LAN wire and shove it up your ass. You'll get the medicine.' He'd get multiple orgasms after solving physics problems from Irodov . Potu would remember the instance where 'Tiki' started laughing out loud and yelling "mee SEN project dengipoyindhi...hoo hoo...hoo". The room was full of ppl and everyone burst out laughing.

Guess who - Lets call him 'stud' for the time being. Here are some of his conversations. (the material below is totally authentic, no fabrication whatsoever).

Palkol - 'How did you get to the exam center so early, Did you know the route before hand?'
Stud - I used 'Wiki-maps' to get here.

Sagar - I think i need to learn a musical instrument.
Bongu - good idea.
(stud enters the room)
Sagar - May be i should learn the keyboard.
Stud - 'enti raa, neeku typing raadha ?'

psr - Your room gets a good amount of breeze mama.
Stud - that is because its located in such a direction that we get the north-easterly winds.

Taradov - babu bai, nuvvu tamilian kadha.
Me - avunu.
Stud - ela cheppesaavu raa vaadu tamilian ani. naaku theliyaledhu asalu. Tamilians oka area lo unnara leraa ani thelusukovadaaniki oka 'tamilian sensor' thayaaru cheyali ra.

(Stunning silence followed each of the above conversations)

Redeye - "Who is this Akshay morrthy? He sends me an e-mail saying 'the redeye is watching'. Call him here. I'll change the color of his eyes, make it black or blue."...said Baba. And this is how he got one of the most famous nicks in our college's history. He's at his best when he's having a head-on with Pope. To one of Pope's frivolous meaningless arguments, he replied by saying 'What a waste of protoplasm!'. Boy, that was a killer comment :)

Santa - Let me end this post by giving to all of you, Santa. He coached our batch's women's cricket team. He guided them to their first victory, for which he was showered with bumps from Miss Doubtfire and co. Urvashi almost planted a kiss on his cheek, but he escaped by sliding through her legs.

'Redeye' was peacefully playing his CS when Santa started to bug him, calling him names like 'Lundeye' and stuff like that....Redeye just turned around and said 'Cuntosh' and Santa zipped his lip. Here's how redeye completed his revenge. He wrote this -

santa [henceforth to be referred to as TBCEC - the biggest chut ever conceived] started playing cs here with the name .player

TBCEC played for 2 weeks...he was the worst player i hv ever seen...EVER...ppl made fn of him, but TBCEC dint care

TBCEC being the despo that he is started a server and asked 2 girls [lets call the jane and eyre] to join...the map was awp india...TBCEC pro doesnt know how to zoom with awp...TBCEC got assraped by jane and eyre...awped MULTIPLE times, before he quit the server citing "finger strain"

the very next day...thirsting for revenge, TBCEC challenged jane...who is NOT catwoman to a 1 on 1 in fy_pool_day

it was a very close match...TBCEC used his l337 aim to kill her with shotguns and smgs...poor jane desperately tried to learn the game, beign generously helped on by TBCEC haters club consisting of pretty much every1 other than TBCEC

a couple of rounds into the match, things were getting intense...TBCEC got excited and started looking at the toilets in fy_pool_day....Jane saw this and KNIFED TBCEC...

And this my friends is why all girls at DAKC got motivation to play cs...my best efforts at preventing this and keeping some form of sanctity in the servers failed...and this might well be an unstoppable force unleashed by the dumb prick otherwise known as TBCEC.

--------End of this part-------------

This is where i sign off for now----------comments are mandatory this time :)

43. A nick-flashback

Well, two weeks in a new city has certainly taken its toll on me. Wearing formals sucks balls. Reporting at 9:10 AM for 5 days a week sucks bats, bails and even the stump microphones :P
Anyways, this heaven to prison transition which my office ppl refer to as 'college to corporate' transition only makes me look back at my 'happy days' in college. Call this an 'insider-post' if u might, but i just thought of bringing together a few really popular/creative nick names which i came across during coll. You'll also find a small description about the person with the nick next to the nick. One very prominent source for nick names was the very popular Counter-strike(CS) . So, lemme start off with a couple of CS nicks.

Tyro and Catwoman - This couple set the whole of DAKC on fire with their 'on-CS-screen' romance. They could just not be kept apart. Even when they were in opposite teams, they'd rush to meet at "mid" and would furiously exchange chat messages, oblivous to all the violence around them. Nowadays, Tyro has a new gal, calls her 'cell-woman'.

Bareily - Great guy. Still calls me 'roomie'. Still combs his hair for hours and hours. Still remembers many of my irritating gestures/mannerisms and faalthu dialogues...Miss u ex-roomie :(

Pulsar - Definitely male ! Back in sem 1,this female had a nice well etched moustache and goatee. Had she not removed them through electrolysis, she'd have surely given Aamir(from DCH) and Edward Norton(Fight club) a run for their money. Nowadays, she's going steady with 'Kaala', who got this nick for obvious reasons.

The G-man - With his intrinsic ability of telling mind-boggling jokes(which were spread far and wide by his alter-ego), he was the reason many a ppl had nerve blocks and temporary brain haemorrages from time to time.

Omg Haxx - "Omg Haxx! Haxx is Saxx"...used to be the chant in every CS server from the moment Haxx would join it. He was a terror with the AK-47. 'smilingdeepu2003' is his yahoo IM. "CAT-rapathi" as he is also called, will forever be remembered for his stellar dialogue "Aaan...pichha kottudu kodatha!".

Pope - Our messaiah. He's touched,or should i say, smudged each one of us at some point or the other during our 4 year stint in college. So many owe him for he was the one to expose them to pron. Started the pron 'brotherhood', gave himself the title of 'pope', took immense unwanted pride in being a bangalore-ian and always thought it fashionable to be late to class(of the very few that he actually attended). My guess is atleast a hundred of us have heard this sentence from him - "What is it that's bothering you, tell me your problem and I'll solve it for you."....'Pope is voodoo....no no...Voodoo is pope', used to be one very popular catch-phrase among CS players. His uninhibited desire to be a part of MIT is known to one and all. the bugger still owes me 200 bucks :x

S.P.A.N.K - 'Sexy Porn Actresses do Nude Kings', is the way Jeevan expanded this acronym. It actually stands for a five-girl group, all of whom tied rakhis to Kumar Raja and another numbskull from Palkol.

Java - You can write an epic on this guy (Java-bharatam).Right from his lund dialogues like "yeh kya chutiyaap hai yaar", to his supporting Congress during rural intern, to his 'cocks...i mean shuttle cocks' fiasco, to his idiotic yahoo IM (rahulsharma1985200), this guy was the butt of umpteen jokes.But he did take it very sportingly.Can recollect one of his geeky jokes. Our Java was walking along the roadside with jeevan when it started raining heavily. Then it came down to a drizzle and finally stopped. To this, Java says "Arey...varsham enti raa, random number generate chesi padipothundhi".

Palkol - This guy used to tell astounding tales about his hometown(which is why , he got this name). He'd say stuff like "In my town, carrots and potatoes are sold at Rs.2 per kg.In my town, condoms fall out of coconut trees.In my town, ppl eat pig rectum to fight impotency." Many a times, I used to wonder whether such a place did exist on earth.

Snakey - coldblood, cayman, ghoul, whitesnake, paganist, Baudrillard, Ponk, snakey....that's his nick name journey. We always loved to bug him, whether he was coldblood or whitesnake or some snake. His high-pitch car-ignition-type sounding laughter was so loud that it used to make ppl from other wings come running to our wing to see what the hell had happened. Creator of the famous phrases like 'a perfect circle' and 'macaroni marlboro', his dot filled orkut scraps, his theories on parallel universes and perpendicular realities are 'beyond-god-like'.

Simply - simply lund, simply jumpy.......This guy thought that life was pretty simple. That is when Miss err Mrs.005 came along and made things smokingly complicated. In agony, heartbroken,he then wrote the masterpiece "Love : It's truth and reality". He used to get a hagnover even before going to sleep(ask LC), I wonder how. One simply joke that comes to mind.

Arun: potta baaga perigindhi neeku....pregnant ayyavaa?
Simply : avunu raa...nee pellam ni dengi pregnant ayyanu !

Potu - If you all dint know, 'Chicken Run' is based on a true life story of a chicken that tries to escape from Potu's farm but fails. From what I hear, the news about 'bird flu' hitting india was actually a scam he planned. He did this to lower the rates of the broiler chicken in South India, so that he could stock up his house with tonnes of farm-fresh chicken.

---------------------The end of this part-----------------comments plz-------------

42. loafer meets cute girl

cute girl and loafer are good friends. They meet up at a coffee shop one day.

Cute girl - Hey, you’ve put on weight.

loafer - Yea, must be from all the beer I guzzled last night at Lolita’s party. So, how have u been?

Cute girl - (with a glowing smile) I got a job in ‘lynch-fosys’.

loafer - Yeyy, party.

Cute girl - for u, its always a party. Have u ever footed a single bill !

loafer - what to do re. I am jobless na :( And dad has stopped giving me pocket money. Says “you’re 22 now, go earn your own money”.

Cute girl - Alright then. This time, its on me…..anyways, what else is new, mister 22 ?

loafer - Nothing baap. Just loafing around. Hey, let me ask you something. I just got an ugly stare from a girl while I was on my way here.

Cute girl - Did you ogle at her?

loafer - I took just as much as peek at her and then changed direction to look at the traffic signal.

Cute girl - Are you sure you dint give her a prolonged look.

loafer - Alrite. Yes, I did look for more than a second or two. But it was’nt that gulshan grover’s ‘bad man’ look or the prem chopra’s ‘aaja chamiya’ look either. It was an innocent appreciation of nature’s beauty in human form.

Cute girl - Aahh…see there you go.

loafer - What? … are’nt guys allowed take as much as an innocuous look at cute females. She looked really pretty in that black salwar with the make up and the jewels. Had I been in the same situation in a telugu film (me being the hero with my sidekick nearby), I’d have said to him “She’s the one. I am in love”. But its so sad that we’re stuck in reality where the pretty girl gives you a ‘you useless fellow’ stare and walks away.

Cute girl - You deserved it. Why should you even fix a look on a stranger!

loafer - Why? Why cant guys look at girls whom they think are pretty. Why do women then take all the trouble? They sport such immaculate dresses and adorn kilos of make up even when they’ve to goto the supermarket to buy rat-poison.

Cute girl - You see…you’re right in a way. We do dress up and look all pretty so that we are looked at. But we want to be looked at only by those guys whom we want to notice us. We don’t want any and every guy to go around staring at us. Who would want that, tell me.

loafer - Let me get this clear. You want to be looked at, but not by the entire guy-community. You want to be looked at by those select few smart n handsome guys only. It is only their attention that you want to attract.

Cute girl - Exactly. That’s what we want.

loafer - Why how is that possible.

Cute girl - That’s what na. but we manage to get what we want. we use our icy stares and glares to avoid stupid gazes from every ram, karthik and chary.

loafer - My god…..no wonder that no one knows what you ppl want….am far from it….I am gonna start wearing sunglasses from now on, so that I don’t get those icy stares anymore.

Cute girl - Good for you :)

41. Two simple questions

I am a cheerful and instinctive guy, go by my gut feeling more often than not coz I don’t like to stress the only nerve that’s there in my brain, with too much thinking. Am a bit easy going, happy go lucky and to put it in typical hyd-ie lingo, I ‘take lite’. Boletho, I tend to take things as they come(move on with life) and that I don’t get angry/disappointed/down easily. No, this is’nt an Orkut profile’s ‘about me’ section that I am trying to fill up here. But there surely are two questions which whenever asked make my only nerve swell to twenty four times its normal size! I’ve been troubled by these two questions all thru my life so far, its like they’re two living entities brought into this world to torment me wherever I go. Well, the two questions are

1.What are you doing now ?

2.What are you going to do next/after this ?

Let me see how I answered/should have answered these questions at different stages of my 21 year life thus far.

Primary school

1. What are you doing now son/beta?
This question used to have a ready answer back then. Just tell them that you’re in school and that was all. Generally, no further second line of questioning would ensue, apart from the occasional ‘Did you stand first in class?’ or ‘Are you still scoring a centum in math?’

2.What are you going to do after this?
Well, this seemed a fascinating question back in those days. These were my usual answers
“Am gonna save lots of my pocket money, buy a truck and become a truck driver.”
“Am thinking of robbing Sharma uncle’s Master-card, taking a flight to Sweden and buying the world’s biggest chocolate.”
“Am gonna watch DD-8 all evening everyday, learn about fertilizers and become a farmer.”

I got a lot of attention coz of my innocent yet quirky answers, which I did like to a certain degree.

Secondary school
1. What are you doing now?
Still the same answer. It worked wonders.

2. What are you going to do after this?
The same answers dint seem to work in the same way :( People began to give stares, glares and told me to get serious. Was told to get an ambition, to have a goal, a vision, a Nintendo Game-boy (oops no, but I did think of getting one for myself :) ). Anyways, then began my search for that elusive ambition, that one quirky and intelligent answer which would get me back the attention I used to get. Those were testing times. Any answer I gave, always followed with it, a complicated second line of questions which I never had any clue about. I used to just nod when the very people who used to ask those questions gave the answers and asked me to think a little more. Well, lets be fair, I was still a kid. I loved playing my video games, my gully cricket and watching my cartoons on tv. I loved quizzing but that was all. I dint have any ambition. But I was too apprehensive to tell this to anyone. Always stuck to the same “I wanna be an architect” or “I wanna be an air-host” crap whenever asked.

Before professional college
After school, I was made to choose the science stream, but I had no qualms. Anything was ok with me. Was made to prepare for the barrage of engineering entrance examinations (I dint know why I was doing what I was doing) and finally, I managed to enter the engineering stream.

1. What are you doing now?
“Well, I have just completed my intermediate (+2). I dint get thru to IIT. Wrote another exam for a certain DA-IICT in gandhinagar and will take admission there.”

This used to be followed by so many irritating comments. “Oh! Dhirubhai Ambani institute ehh. You’re future is secure with Reliance now.”...... “That old man has created a fantastic empire!”...... “Will you be able to study in gandhinagar? I mean, its so far away, how will you go?”

Irrespective of the comment, I used to nod my head and give a rising smile which usually made the other person think that I actually applauded/approved of his comment and he/she used to stop pestering me further.

2. What are you going to do next?
By this time, even though I’d realized that it was no longer possible to be a farmer or a truck driver, I also realized that I dint know what I wanted to do next (and that was kinda perplexing at times). So I thought of doing what we as Indians do best – ‘follow the crowd’. Yea, I wanted to be a software engineer now, like every other gult and tam in town. I was gonna top in all my engineering courses, become a deadly programmer and own Microsoft by the age of 30. Somehow, this answer seemed to please many of my admirers.

After professional college
Realization dawns that I aint fit to be an engineer, but somehow have graduated to become a farzi-neer. Somehow managed to get a first class and get out of that hell hole alive.

1. What are you doing now?
“You remember the long breaks one has between major jumps during one’s student life, the after-10th grade holidays, the after-12^th grade holidays? I am having a similar massive 4 month holiday now. Am doing nothing, absolutely nothing and I am loving every minute of it.” Well, this hasn’t gone down very well with many. All they say is “how is it that you are not doing anything? People are flying off to the U.S, joining jobs, opening brothels…but they’re doing something!”
Oh yeah. I’m doing something alrite. I’m taking car-driving lessons. Even though I’ve almost driven the test vehicle into an open drain twice till now, my instructor is dead sure that I will get my license to kill by next Monday. Also, I’ve created an aromatic oil. Some of my coconut oil fell into an open pineapple jam jar accidentally and the rest is history. It’s a got a refreshing smell. You shud try it.

2. What are you going to do next?
Have a job to join in a month now. And yea, I am still following the crowd. No. I am not rushing off to the U.S coz its become more like India than India itself. Am being made to write all these management institute entrance exams coz my well-wishers think I am brainy. My current answer to this question is “I am thinking of doing an MBA from a top b-skool” - which again seems to go well with the people.

But actually, I still don’t know what to do. I don’t have an ambition. Is it a curse? I’ve done reasonably well so far without one. Is it a blessing in disguise?

40. 'Chak de' Chakvetadze

Is'nt she pretty.....wats more, she's a die-hard AC Milan fan :)

39. Shame on the media

Thought I should also contribute to this effort by sharing this piece.

A MUST READ.......
Dear Editors of HT, TOI, Indian Express and The Hindu, I got the mail below from a friend of mine and following the unwritten code of conduct, I am forwarding it to my friends but all efforts of people who have been forwarding this mail would go waste if this mail doesn't reach YOU......

Something to think about..!!

Shame on Indian Media??? Really what a shame...

By the time u guys read this news, the body of Major Manish Pitambare, who was shot dead at Anantnag, would have been cremated with full military honors.

On Tuesday, this news swept across all the news channels 'Sanjay Dutt relieved by court'. 'Sirf Munna not a bhai' '13 saal ka vanvaas khatam' 'although found guilty for possession of armory, Sanjay can breath sigh of relief as all the TADA charges against him are withdrawn' Then many personalities like Salman Khan said 'He is a good person. We knew he will come out clean'. Mr Big B said "Dutt's family and our family have relations for years he's a good kid. He is like elder brother to Abhishek". His sister Priya Dutt said "we can sleep well tonight. It's a great relief"

In other news, Parliament was mad at Indian team for performing bad; Greg Chappell said something; Shah Rukh Khan replaces Amitabh in KBC and other such stuff. But most of the emphasis was given on Sanjay Dutt's "phoenix like" comeback from the ashes of terrorist charges. Surfing through the channels, one news on BBC startled me. It read "Hisbul Mujahidin's most wanted terrorist 'Sohel Faisal' killed in Anantnag , India .. Indian Major leading the operation lost his life in the process. Four others are injured.

It was past midnight , I started visiting the stupid Indian channels, but Sanjay Dutt was still ruling. They were telling how Sanjay pleaded to the court saying 'I'm the sole bread earner for my family', 'I have a daughter who is studying in US' and so on. Then they showed how Sanjay was not wearing his lucky blue shirt while he was hearing the verdict and also how he went to every temple and prayed for the last few months. A suspect in Mumbai bomb blasts, convicted under armory act...was being transformed into a hero.

Sure Sanjay Dutt has a daughter; Sure he did not do any terrorist activity. Possessing an AK47 is considered too elementary in terrorist community and also one who possesses an AK47 has a right to possess a pistol so that again is not such a big crime; Sure Sanjay Dutt went to all the temples;
Sure he did a lot of Gandhigiri but then........ ...

Major Manish H Pitambare (who is from our very own city Thane,was residing near makhmali talao,who was just like one of us some years ago a former student of maharashtra Vidyalay,Thane) got the information from his sources about the terrorists' whereabouts. Wasting no time he attacked the camp, killed Hisbul Mujahidin's supremo and in the process lost his life to the bullets fired from an AK47. He is survived by a wife and daughter (just like Sanjay Dutt) who's only 18 months old.

Major Manish never said 'I have a daughter' before he took the decision to attack the terrorists in the darkest of nights. He never thought about having a family and he being the bread earner. No news channel covered this since they were too busy hyping a former drug addict, a suspect who's linked to bomb blasts which killed hundreds. Their aim was to show how he defied the TADA charges and they were so successful that his conviction in possession of armory had no meaning. They also concluded that his parents in heaven must be happy and proud of him.

Parents of Major Manish are still living and they have to live rest of their lives without their beloved son. His daughter won't ever see her daddy again. Finally Major Manish, to my generation is a greater hero, someone who laid his life in the name of this great nation.

So guys, please forward this message around so that the media knows which news to give importance, as it is a shame for us since this Army Major's death news was given by a foreign TV channel!!!

If you believe in it, don't feel shy in sharing it.

38. Minglish

Well, I have this habit of switching languages during a conversation. One sentence will be in English, the other in hindi, the next in telugu and the very next in the hyderabadi ‘kaiku’ slang lang. I can’t help it, it’s become a habit. I’ve grown up in an extremely cosmopolitan surrounding and this lang-switch is one of the prominent observed side-effects. A college friend of mine (a purist in many ways), once heard me have a multi-lango conversation with my brother on the phone and was astonished to say the least. “You never stuck to one single language. You kept changing it every sentence. Your bro must be having a tough time understanding whatever u had to say. Wait till I tell this to everyone in the group, they’ll pull your leg till you leave college” (which they apparently did, but its only now when I’ve left college that I realize how much I miss the fun of all those leg-pulling sessions).

Anyways, I’ve come to observe another very prevalent speaking pattern amongst different age groups, which is much more harmful and harder to understand when compared to my multi-lango syndrome. It’s the use of ‘Minglish’. Well, this is a term I’ve coined, and its gonna take some time defining it completely. But here’s a short description of what Minglish is. You see, there are some ppl who involuntarily think in regional languages(mostly their mother tongues) and translate their thought out in English while speaking. Now the problem is that not many of them take the trouble to semantically transform the thought into English before giving it out, they just take the thought in the regional language, replace each word with the closest possible match in English and then blurt it out. The result is a hotch-potch lingo which gets very hard to digest for any purist or a lover of the language. Some use it because they feel speaking in English enhances their position in a group (I call them bloody dumb fuck wannabes). There are others who are forced to speak English as a part of protocol( in offices, schools etc – my sympathies with them). And there are these others who just speak English for the heck of it. People of all ages are using Minglish inadvertently. I hear it wherever I go. It’s hilarious most of times.

Let me give you a few examples of Minglish and how prevalent it is (in hyd atleast) -->

- Was on my way to a temple in a bus when I observed two college going guys talking to each other.
First guy : hey, when does the matinee show in Tivoli theater start ?
Second guy : Now only rey !! We’ll have to go quickly. ( the thought : In hindi – ‘abb heeech shuru hora rey’)

- Was in a restaurant, was waiting for my order to be served. It had already been a half an hour and I was getting impatient. I called the waiter and said -
Me : Excuse me. Have you forgotten my order.
Waiter : No saaaaab. For such a biiiig order, it takes some time no. If you cant wait for that much time also, then what I can do, tell me! ( the thought : In hindi – “nahin sahib. Bade order ke liye thoda waqt lagtha naa. Uthna bhi sabar nahin kar sakthe aap toh main kya kar saktha hoon aap hi boliye !” )

- A 22+ female who has just reached the US writes this scrap to her brother who is back here in India. – “Hey bro, take my number. It is 0091-xxxx…. And I tried so much to call your phone. You dint pick up only!!!”. ( the thought : In hindi – “kitna try kiya, tumne uthaaya hi nahin !” )

- Was dropping my cousin sister off to school (she’s a fourth grader) when we had this small conversation.
Me : Hey, look at that girl there. You should have long hair like her.
Sis : Whyyyyie ?? My hair is not big aaaa ? (the word she thought in her thought : telugu word – ‘kadha’ or the tamil word – ‘illaya’ )

- The movie ‘The Angrez’ has this character called lakshmi who talks pure Minglish. Here’s one of her dialogues.
Lakshmi : “Arey smitha, don’t go even near those NRI boys. When I went to their room no, they were doing something something!” ( the thought : In telugu – “arey smitha, aa NRI poragalla deggara kuda vellaku. Valla room ki vellanu kadha, appudu vallu yememoo chestunnaru !” or as we popularly say in hyd – “woh logaan kya kya ki kar rahe the udhar !!” )

- Me and my frens from college use the ‘–off ’ language a lot.
Come off rey ! (the thought : In hindi – “aaja rey” ) - the word ‘off’ is used just to fill the blank space in the thought.
Lets smoke some fags off rey!
Is that switch on? Off it off rey!

- I call my bro up to tell him to tell mom that I’d be watching a movie and eating outside in the night. He responds in this way - “Arey kaka. Don’t do langa works like this. Come home straight !!”. ( the thought : In telugu – “arey kaka, ilaanti langa panulu emi cheyyaku. seedha intiki raa” )

- A school teacher, while checking homework books said this. “hey boy. Quickly, open your this one and show me your that one !!!”. (the intention – “open your bag and show me your homework book” :D )

- A telugu movie called “Aaha” has this sequence where Chandra Mohan talks to a deaf old chap during a death ceremony.
Old guy : do you know how she died ?
Ch Mhn : ya, she died of heart attack it seems. ( the thought : In telugu – “heart attack vachhi poyindhi anta” )
Old guy (hasnt heard the previous sentence) : There must be some reason for such a sudden death. Do you know the reason ?
ChMhn : ‘That reason only’ i am trying to tell you sir!!! ( the thought : In telugu – “adhe reason cheppadaaniki prayathnam chestunna sir” )

A new dictionary needs to come out with well defined meanings for the “now only”s,“that only”s, “come off”s,“this one”s and “that one”s. I, myself might have used some Minglish while writing this post, if I have, please do forgive me. I do tend to get a bit involved while writing. After all, even writing is a translation of thought into form, and it isn’t always that we think in English, do we ;)