Sunday, February 20, 2011

94. With the hair specialist

The title takes its inspiration from Stephen Leacock's 'With the photographer' in which the author conveys the hardships he faces when he goes to a photographer to get his picture taken. I've given this an MBA touch by incorporating this post into a 'buyer decision making framework' which has 5 stages apparently.

Stage 1 : Problem Recognition (Realization dawns)

One fine day, you go take a look at yourself in the mirror. You focus on the hair...your image turns black&white and you suddenly start to hear shallow echoes from the background.

(echo) you don't need a comb anymore...ha ha (/echo)
(echo) taklu uncle (/echo)
(echo) you balding balderdash (/echo)
(echo) An idea can change your life (/echo)

And then you resolve to do something about it. You don't know what or how. But you decide to be a 'self-starter' (fake MBA-jargon)

Stage 2 : Information Search (Looking for help from anywhere and everywhere)

Suddenly, you start paying attention to all the 'Before-After' ads in the TV and newspapers. You also think twice before deleting every 'hair-growth-promotion' SMS that you get from a certain homeopath(et)ic firm. You start looking for receding hair-lines in people just to get the reassurance that you aint the only one who is losing hair by the second. You also consider going to the 'baal-vaale yogi Baba' who lives in the nearby colony (this after going through a pamphlet circulated in the neighborhood in which the Baba guarantees lush green(oops black) hair within one month of praying and chewing herbs)You also let your good friends know about the hair-situation.

Stage 3 : Evaluation of alternatives (what makes more sense)

One of your friends tells you that he'd been to a hair-specialist sometime back and also that he's the best guy in town. He promises to take you to his clinic and walk you through the entire process of meeting the doc and then buying the meds from the store nearby. You realize that of all the available options, this one seems sensible(although the neighborhood Baba does seem to be an ecnomical option).

Stage 4 : Product purchase (Enter the dragon)

Its show time. You finally muster up enough courage to go to the clinic. You're surprised to see the queue of patients waiting outside. It is then that your friend calms you down saying that it gets even worse on the weekends. You're also surprised to see a lot of women folk there (not the bald ones, but ones with long and silky hair). Your doubt is addressed by the friend who says 'everyone has hair everywhere, so the problems are not just with the loss of hair'.

After having waited for about an hour, you're asked to enter the doc's room.  You get the shock of your life when you see that the doc himself is completely bald. Yes, not one strand of hair on his brown shiny well-oiled scalp. You begin to wonder if this guy is any good at what he does. Then you resign to the fact that you've been ripped off and decide to just go through the motions and get over with it.

The doc pulls out a huge pipe-like gizmo which is hanging from the ceiling. He then holds your head and thrusts it into the pipe-like machine. Some bright lights flash, you're blinded for a while and the next thing you know, there are some really weird pictures in front of you. You're reminded of the pictures of the surface of the Moon which you were shown in primary school. But the doc blows your brains out when he says that those are the pictures of your head.

He then asks you a barrage of uncomfy questions like 'Are you married?', 'If so, are you straight?', 'Are you unmarried but straight and sexually active?', 'Are you married but bisexually impotent?', 'Did you steal the mints on the table when I was taking your scans?'....You try your level best to be accurate, but you invariably get stumped.

He then pulls out his prescription pad and writes out 25 lines of gibberish at the speed of light. tells you to take 6 pills and 5 tonics and apply 4 lotions to your head, 3 times a day. He also tells you to follow a diet of 2 olives for breakfast, a bowl of ruminated grass for lunch and dry fruit skins for dinner.

He then asks you to come back for a check-up after a month(if you're alive until then).

Stage 5 : Post purchase behavior (the WTF just happened stage)

You diligently take the meds and follow the diet for a month, only to find that the hair-situation is gettin worse than what it was earlier. You curse your friend for having made you burn a hole in your pocket, courtesy the bald and expensive hair-specialist. You decide to take the leap of faith and head to the neighborhood Baba as the last and final hope.

And the saga continues...